Hi Leigh60,

It would appear that thatever the time difference, whether days, weeks, months or years, of when we lose our loved ones, it never really gets better for us. I read the book, 'It's ok no to be ok' and it has some useful guidance and support. The problem is, as you well probably know, each day is different in the way I feel. Some days I feel strong and feel 'yes I am going to get through this', but the next day, I would prefer to stay in bed all day to avoid talking to people and putting on a mask.

I would like to believe that Fiona is with me, but I don't know, it would be nice to have a sign. 

Like you, I am/was so lucky to have had Fiona in my life and so thankful she chose me to marry to share her life with. 

I hope David has met Fiona while up there as I bet they would get on well, in fact, Fi got on with everybody, didn't judge people.

I am driving up to Fiona's beloved Newcastle upon Tyne at the end of September, to meet with friends but also scatter some of Fiona's ashes over the Tyne, which we be quite emotional.

Anyway, you look after yourself and have a good week and anytime you want to chat, I am here. It helps me also. x

Hi Babyem,

It is strange that grief is so tiring and draining, on top of the stress and emotions. Haven't we got enough to deal with?  I know what you mean about the house, I have so much paperwork that Fiona had accumulated over the many years for her work and need to clear her desk sometime, but I have no motivation or energy.  I have a pile of ironing to do and so I close my eyes when I pass my wrinkle shirts and trousers hanging up.

I hope the coming week proves to be better for you and Leigh60, 

Take care x

You remind me of my dad. Your post broke my heart and I wish you lived in Darlington so I could visit you so you're not alone. We lost my mum from secondary brain cancer too. She lost everything... her sight, hearing, ability to walk/talk/swallow/produce tears. The end was horrific and I completely advocate euthanasia as a result of this. 

My dad lost his best friend. He never left the house for more than an hour without her. At 63 he is too young to just give up and for the last year I've been encouraging him to leave the house and do things he never used to do. Finally after 18months he has started to go out with work friends. He seems happier than he has been. I've recently had a baby and that has honestly given him a purpose in life. Do you have any family??

Hi Racey1 & Leigh60

So today I woke up & thought let's try & get some things done today! Put the radio on ~ why do they have to play a record that we loved, first tears of the day. Go in the garden a pot that he brought had fallen over & smashed why? It had been there for ages, he hated it anyway & quite frankly it was only a couple of £'S second lot of tears. Bet he smashed the ruddy thing. 
Thought I would walk up to his grave & take some fresh flowers & to tell him about the pot! listened to some music on the way, got to his grave all upset again just too emotional, crying again. Got some water to water the flowers fell over with the watering cans that then tipped over me , hurt my ankle, crying buckets now & looking like I've got caught in a rain storm as I'm soaked. Hobbled home & sat here cursing him because everything was his fault ~ today was 'just about had it' 

Yesterday it suddenly dawned on me that this was definite & somehow I need to go forward & honestly I just don't know how too & I know it will take time but the sorrow that we all carry inside us who have lost someone is excruciating & today my pain has been unbearable & like you Racey some days I find the fight in my belly & be strong & other days, well I've lost my fight. 
I do think tho guys to go thru all this pain we are actually incredibly strong & they would be proud of us I know Kev would be & I could here him giggling at me today too!

I love reading what we say to each other, it helps me too Racey :happy:

I hope both have had a good day xx 

I replied to both of you, you & Racey

Thank you Leigh60 xx

Hi

Keep reading our posts because I'm sure this is how Dad will feel with losing his friend/soulmate 

Baby news is just fabulous & will bring some sunshine into your home especially for Dad 

xx

Hi LILTRUMPS,

It is nice to hear from you and I am sorry to hear about your mum. That gap is just impossible to fill.

I have a Brother and sister, both living approx 30 miles away and I have a daughter of 42 years from my first marriage and a Grandaughter (Angel), both live approx 20 miles away.

They have all been so supportive but at the end of the day, I am on my own. I am not going to go on with my moans and I am sure that some friends have stopped calling.

It is so awful to see my wife and your mum deteriorate before our eyes and I wish I can forget that image but it is forever in my mind.

It is good thet your father is getting out. I have been meeting up with friends and family for coffees and lunch, post lockldown. We need to find a way through this pain. My wife Fiona is from a little north of you, Newcastle upon Tyne.   

I am sorryt this email is a bit bitty, I have the film American Pie; The Reunion, on in the back ground and it is so funny. 

Please pass my regards to you dad and hope he finds some peace. x 

Hi Babyem,

Oh, I am so sorry to hear of your awful day.  It is as if the whole Universe has got together to make your day even more shittier (sorry) than it is normally. It is so unfair.

You will find that this awful day doesn't repeat itself that often. It has been a tearful day for me but nothing to top yours, you win the most crappiest day ever, award.

I think my Fiona is somewhere around me, as my Central Heating has turned itself on twice in the last couple of days.

I live in the most uniteresting place in England, Aylesbury in Buckinghamshire and the only busy roads we have are the ones going out of the area. Today was some shopping in Aldi's and tomorrow it is a visit to Milton Keyne's Costco, which should be fun, along with busy, fraught and full of idiots who can't push a trolley in a straight line. 

We had a Cremation for Fiona as I think, that is what she wanted. As Fiona died relatively quickly, we never got to talk about what happens when she passes. The service was good although I found myself staring at the floor as I knew I would fall apart if I looked at her coffin. I suppose it would be nice to be able to place some flowers of where she lies but, I can't.

I am not weird but found some sayings and poems helpful and saved them. I have another poem from my list called 'Some Days'

They tell me life's a journey                                                                                                                      That will take me many years                                                                                                                    Some days are filled with laughter                                                                                                           And some days are filled with tears

Some days I think my heart will break                                                                                                      That I can't persevere                                                                                                                               Some days I have to don a mask                                                                                                            And hide beneath it's veneer                                                                                                                   

Some days I turn and look for you                                                                                                            With thoughts I'd like to share                                                                                                                  Some days I just can't understand                                                                                                        The reason you're not there

Some days the sadness leaves me                                                                                                    And my smile will reappear                                                                                                                Some days I close my eyes because                                                                                                  Your memory is so clear

Some days I struggle to go on                                                                                                            Just wishing you were near                                                                                                                Most days I spend in gratiutude                                                                                                          That you were ever here    

And another:

I konw you're are sad, so I wont tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day. Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes and don't give up on yourself just yet. It'll get better. Until then, have a day.

I am not sure if this helps or you don't bother to read. We are here to look after each other.

x

What a lovely thing to read first thing in the morning'have a day'

Thats exactly what I'm going to do today; just have a day. 
The poem was just lovely; I love poetry but only if it means something if that makes sense? I have printed it off & stuck it in my kitchen so I can read it when well, just when. 
& yep my friend I won yesterday hands down. 
One of our good friends had some trees planted for Kevin which I was truly touched with & I go & put a flower on one, perhaps something you could do or if there is a place near you that Fiona loved, leave a rose/flower there for her. 
I was lucky to talk to Kevin before he passed away ~ not a easy conversation to have I can tell you, but one I am glad we had. Honestly at one point it sounded like we were going away for the weekend when I was asking about clothing etc, very bizarre. 
 

Tackle the shops head on matey know what you mean about Costco but do love the shop our nearest one is Thurrock 

Go careful, drive carefully & catch you later 

Hi Babyem,

Fortunately, the visit to Costco, was a short one as I didn't need much and we goth there as soon as it opened at 10 am, so it wasn't busy at all.

These poems and sayings I have gathered have helped me to get through some hard times after I lost Fiona.

I love Lakeside, I ofter meet my cousin in Lakeside. I hope you are over your awful day and moved on without too much mental anguish. I think I may be in denial as I still expect Fiona to walk through the door anytime. Our brain plays horrible tricks on us when we lose a loved one.

Well, I got halfway though my ironing yesterday but had to stop as I was so tired so, I am just about to continue. 16 shirts and 8 pairs of trousers, why oh why didn't I do the ironing before it built up. earghh.

Anyway, you have a good day, or a day and will chat soon.

Take care x