Dear Racey1

I lost my husband 2 weeks ago & struggling too & have never felt sadness, loneliness, scared, confusion like it. 
I just thought to myself I can't wait to go to bed so I've done another day

I want him back, I want to chat to him & tell him all that's been happening & the 100's of tributes I have received. I want to hold his hand again. 
Racey I can't give you any advice but I think be kind to yourself. I like you think it's going to take time but I am sure like my Kev they will be proud of us by just keeping 
One foot in front of the other. 
I hurt beyond words & still have his funeral on Thursday how on earth am I going to get through the day. 
I feel completely broken just like you mate 

Hug from someone who knows how you're feeling x

Hi Babyem,

Thank you for your prompt reply. I am so sorry for your loss, There is me moaning about my situation while you are dealing with your recent loss. The funeral can be daunting but as long as you have family and friends surrounding you, you will get through it. We were only allowed 30 at Fiona's Cremation but we could have filled it 10 times over. I keep lots of sayings and poems regarding loss and on of the signs state that there are '3 stages of grief, 1st stage, middle stage and the rest of your life' whioch seems to be about right. after 9 months, my sleep pattern is all over the place but like you, as sson as I get to bed and to sleep, I can forget the extreme pain I am feeling. 

Thank you again for your lovely words and showing me that I am not alone x

Hi,

Firstly, well done for making the journey into London to meet with your kids. I am sure that they were really pleased that you made it, also, you have managed that first step out into London on your own, for which you should be proud of yourself. Hopefully, the next meet will be slightly easier.

With regards to your meeting at School tomorrow, can you ask if you can work a few hours a day until you feel strong enough to return to work permanently? Sometimes, it is nice to get of the home and go into work to feel useful and have a little company.

I retired a couple of years before my actual retirment date to look after Fiona and make sure we make the most of what we have. I decided to return to the job I was doing previously, working for a charity one day a week as a volunteer. It is good to be back and I feel useful and, as I am a volunteer, the staff keep me plied with mugs of tea throughout the day. 

I am not sure whether I mentioned it but like you, I am a little apprehensive for something I have booked to do next month. I am driving up to my Fiona's beloved Newcastle for 3 days. To see ffriends and to scatter some of Fiona's ashes over the Tyne. I then continue my journey to the Scottish Borders to see Fiona's Aunt and Cousin and onto to Edinburgh for hte night. I then will drive to Glasgow for 3 days to see friends and to visit a couple of resorts Fiona loved and then continue to Stranraer to have a go at Wheeelchair Curling (on ice) over 3 days. I am not sure how it will go as, I don't do cold. I love the sun. then I drive home and breaking the journey to stay in Blackpool, where I am meeting good friends who are driving to Blackpool from Winsford, Cheshire to meet up and they are staying in the same hotel. I am also hoping to see the lights of Blackpool and then home the next day. Back to an empty, lonely home but back in my bed. I thinl I mentioned previously, I am a full time wheelchair user and I am independent (to a fault) and mobile otherwise I would have booked this trip. In fact, I met Fiona due to me being in a wheelchair. Fiona was a local journalist and I played Wheelchair Basketball for a league team and for Great Britain. Fiona was told to interview me for the local paper and it started not long after.

I really do know wht you mean when you say that everywhere you look you see a memory, or a piece of clothing or a song that reminds you Kevin. It is like we shouldn't start to feel a little better, we must grieve all the time. 

Anyway, I am going to stop now as I think I have the equivelent to writers cramp. Typers cramp?

Take care 

Hi Racey how you doing?
been a tough couple of days just overwhelmed with sadness & missing my Kevin it's absolutely rubbish & without a shadow of a doubt I'm struggling 

I'll come back tomorrow when I catch my breath 

Thanks Racey for just being here x

Hi Babyem,

I am doing ok thanks. I think that saying I am ok, is probably is the closest I can describe how I am feeling. I am sorry you have had a couple of bad days and missing Kevin so much. I do know your pain.

You need to, not only look after yourself but treat yourself to something, to make you feel a little better, a present or clothing or a pampering session of some sort. I would love to say that it will get better in time, but unfortunately, it won't. You will, however, manage to cope better in time.

I read your recomendation of the book 'It's Ok not to be OK' and it is good as you say and, offers a lot of good advice.  I would ask you to try some of the advice given ie Breathing or Meditation exercises, essential oils. Try to plan to meet with friends or family for coffee or a chat, or both. Give yourself something to look forward too.

You have been there for me also.

And please, I understand if you don't reply straight away or the next day, reply when you feel well enough.

I have picked up sayings and poems from various people, which tries to explain things and saw the following words about grief, which read: 'There are 3 stages of grief, the beginning, the middle and the rest of your life'.

Also, from someone else, 'Grief, I ve learned, is really just love. It's all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place top go'. 

We will get through this.

Hello Racey1

I have just read your last post.

It will be 5 years on the 10th September I lost my husband, my soulmate David.

Your last two paragraphs were just so moving and just say it all, thats excactly how it is.

Also as you say your never get over it you just find ways of coping the best you can  As the book say's and is so true on the days you can't cope it really is "Okay not to be Okay".  I miss my husband more with each passing day and sometimes it still just feels so surreal.  

I try to live each day the best I can and I know how lucky priviledged and blessed I am to have shared my life with my darling David,  I often think and say "All of our yesterdays make all of the tomorrows".

He is with me wherever I go whatever I do,  He will always be with me, my world, my life nothing can ever take that away.

Take care keep looking after yourself x

Hi 

It's just been a horrible week & I feel that for months & months I have kept a lid on everything, caring for Kevin; looking after the home, numerous hospital visits to & from London & I drove which believe me is an ordeal driving in London!! The still working in School; the house looking like a medical /office place & so it went on & now this lid is starting to lift off on top of the sorrow that is eating me away of not having him with me anymore. 
Just like Leigh60 said your last two paragraphs oh my goodness Racey - so out come tissues again  it's true what she also said they are with us always we just can't touch,smell,hear or see them 

I feel grief is exhausting too so feel worn out & tired but do t want to rest as then I'm sitting here by myself

Anyway guys huge hug for you & Leigh xxx

My Kev is with me always too xxx

Hello Babyem

I have so much emphathy for you and im so sorry for the loss of your Kevin and all you have both been through.  Cancer its a horid wicked disease.  I have so much feeling for what you say about the lid lifting it off.  Im so sorry for the journey you are now on.  Its so early for you and I don't know what to say nothing can take away the pain of losing your loved one.  

You will find ways through and as you said about the book on the days that are just to hard its Okay not to be Okay.  Its a lonely journey but I find talking really helps and found Cruse a great support along with our local hospice where my husband spent his last 3 weeks.  Keeping busy helps but I do understand again somedays you just can't but dread sitting alone.  I go with those dreaded days and try to let it out it took me sometime to be able to do that but then tell myself my husband would want me to think of me and live so I try again and gradually you do more things.  But it is so hard.

I hope you have family and friends that can help support you too.

Look after yourself take care virtual hugs xx

Hi Leigh60,

It would appear that thatever the time difference, whether days, weeks, months or years, of when we lose our loved ones, it never really gets better for us. I read the book, 'It's ok no to be ok' and it has some useful guidance and support. The problem is, as you well probably know, each day is different in the way I feel. Some days I feel strong and feel 'yes I am going to get through this', but the next day, I would prefer to stay in bed all day to avoid talking to people and putting on a mask.

I would like to believe that Fiona is with me, but I don't know, it would be nice to have a sign. 

Like you, I am/was so lucky to have had Fiona in my life and so thankful she chose me to marry to share her life with. 

I hope David has met Fiona while up there as I bet they would get on well, in fact, Fi got on with everybody, didn't judge people.

I am driving up to Fiona's beloved Newcastle upon Tyne at the end of September, to meet with friends but also scatter some of Fiona's ashes over the Tyne, which we be quite emotional.

Anyway, you look after yourself and have a good week and anytime you want to chat, I am here. It helps me also. x

Hi Babyem,

It is strange that grief is so tiring and draining, on top of the stress and emotions. Haven't we got enough to deal with?  I know what you mean about the house, I have so much paperwork that Fiona had accumulated over the many years for her work and need to clear her desk sometime, but I have no motivation or energy.  I have a pile of ironing to do and so I close my eyes when I pass my wrinkle shirts and trousers hanging up.

I hope the coming week proves to be better for you and Leigh60, 

Take care x

Hi Racey1 & Leigh60

So today I woke up & thought let's try & get some things done today! Put the radio on ~ why do they have to play a record that we loved, first tears of the day. Go in the garden a pot that he brought had fallen over & smashed why? It had been there for ages, he hated it anyway & quite frankly it was only a couple of £'S second lot of tears. Bet he smashed the ruddy thing. 
Thought I would walk up to his grave & take some fresh flowers & to tell him about the pot! listened to some music on the way, got to his grave all upset again just too emotional, crying again. Got some water to water the flowers fell over with the watering cans that then tipped over me , hurt my ankle, crying buckets now & looking like I've got caught in a rain storm as I'm soaked. Hobbled home & sat here cursing him because everything was his fault ~ today was 'just about had it' 

Yesterday it suddenly dawned on me that this was definite & somehow I need to go forward & honestly I just don't know how too & I know it will take time but the sorrow that we all carry inside us who have lost someone is excruciating & today my pain has been unbearable & like you Racey some days I find the fight in my belly & be strong & other days, well I've lost my fight. 
I do think tho guys to go thru all this pain we are actually incredibly strong & they would be proud of us I know Kev would be & I could here him giggling at me today too!

I love reading what we say to each other, it helps me too Racey :happy:

I hope both have had a good day xx 

Hi Racey1 & Leigh60

So today I woke up & thought let's try & get some things done today! Put the radio on ~ why do they have to play a record that we loved, first tears of the day. Go in the garden a pot that he brought had fallen over & smashed why? It had been there for ages, he hated it anyway & quite frankly it was only a couple of £'S second lot of tears. Bet he smashed the ruddy thing. 
Thought I would walk up to his grave & take some fresh flowers & to tell him about the pot! listened to some music on the way, got to his grave all upset again just too emotional, crying again. Got some water to water the flowers fell over with the watering cans that then tipped over me , hurt my ankle, crying buckets now & looking like I've got caught in a rain storm as I'm soaked. Hobbled home & sat here cursing him because everything was his fault ~ today was 'just about had it' 

Yesterday it suddenly dawned on me that this was definite & somehow I need to go forward & honestly I just don't know how too & I know it will take time but the sorrow that we all carry inside us who have lost someone is excruciating & today my pain has been unbearable & like you Racey some days I find the fight in my belly & be strong & other days, well I've lost my fight. 
I do think tho guys to go thru all this pain we are actually incredibly strong & they would be proud of us I know Kev would be & I could here him giggling at me today too!

I love reading what we say to each other, it helps me too Racey :happy:

I hope both have had a good day xx 

Hi Babyem,

Oh, I am so sorry to hear of your awful day.  It is as if the whole Universe has got together to make your day even more shittier (sorry) than it is normally. It is so unfair.

You will find that this awful day doesn't repeat itself that often. It has been a tearful day for me but nothing to top yours, you win the most crappiest day ever, award.

I think my Fiona is somewhere around me, as my Central Heating has turned itself on twice in the last couple of days.

I live in the most uniteresting place in England, Aylesbury in Buckinghamshire and the only busy roads we have are the ones going out of the area. Today was some shopping in Aldi's and tomorrow it is a visit to Milton Keyne's Costco, which should be fun, along with busy, fraught and full of idiots who can't push a trolley in a straight line. 

We had a Cremation for Fiona as I think, that is what she wanted. As Fiona died relatively quickly, we never got to talk about what happens when she passes. The service was good although I found myself staring at the floor as I knew I would fall apart if I looked at her coffin. I suppose it would be nice to be able to place some flowers of where she lies but, I can't.

I am not weird but found some sayings and poems helpful and saved them. I have another poem from my list called 'Some Days'

They tell me life's a journey                                                                                                                      That will take me many years                                                                                                                    Some days are filled with laughter                                                                                                           And some days are filled with tears

Some days I think my heart will break                                                                                                      That I can't persevere                                                                                                                               Some days I have to don a mask                                                                                                            And hide beneath it's veneer                                                                                                                   

Some days I turn and look for you                                                                                                            With thoughts I'd like to share                                                                                                                  Some days I just can't understand                                                                                                        The reason you're not there

Some days the sadness leaves me                                                                                                    And my smile will reappear                                                                                                                Some days I close my eyes because                                                                                                  Your memory is so clear

Some days I struggle to go on                                                                                                            Just wishing you were near                                                                                                                Most days I spend in gratiutude                                                                                                          That you were ever here    

And another:

I konw you're are sad, so I wont tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day. Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes and don't give up on yourself just yet. It'll get better. Until then, have a day.

I am not sure if this helps or you don't bother to read. We are here to look after each other.

x

What a lovely thing to read first thing in the morning'have a day'

Thats exactly what I'm going to do today; just have a day. 
The poem was just lovely; I love poetry but only if it means something if that makes sense? I have printed it off & stuck it in my kitchen so I can read it when well, just when. 
& yep my friend I won yesterday hands down. 
One of our good friends had some trees planted for Kevin which I was truly touched with & I go & put a flower on one, perhaps something you could do or if there is a place near you that Fiona loved, leave a rose/flower there for her. 
I was lucky to talk to Kevin before he passed away ~ not a easy conversation to have I can tell you, but one I am glad we had. Honestly at one point it sounded like we were going away for the weekend when I was asking about clothing etc, very bizarre. 
 

Tackle the shops head on matey know what you mean about Costco but do love the shop our nearest one is Thurrock 

Go careful, drive carefully & catch you later 

Hi Babyem,

Fortunately, the visit to Costco, was a short one as I didn't need much and we goth there as soon as it opened at 10 am, so it wasn't busy at all.

These poems and sayings I have gathered have helped me to get through some hard times after I lost Fiona.

I love Lakeside, I ofter meet my cousin in Lakeside. I hope you are over your awful day and moved on without too much mental anguish. I think I may be in denial as I still expect Fiona to walk through the door anytime. Our brain plays horrible tricks on us when we lose a loved one.

Well, I got halfway though my ironing yesterday but had to stop as I was so tired so, I am just about to continue. 16 shirts and 8 pairs of trousers, why oh why didn't I do the ironing before it built up. earghh.

Anyway, you have a good day, or a day and will chat soon.

Take care x 

Hello Racey1 and Babyem

I hope the last few days have been more bearable.

The poem is just so moving and says everything in how we feel about our loved ones.

I smiled to myself Babyem when you said "you could here your Kev giggling".

I hope our loved ones have met Racey1 my David got on with everyone and never judged.

You mention signs and Im glad to hear about your central heating (apart from the cost of switching on at this time of year).

We had a pond in our garden and one day when David was out it was visited by a large blue dragonfly. The day after my David passed I pulled the blind at the kitchen window and there in the garden was a large dragonfly. I called our daughter we went out into the garden together.  We have a small garden, the dragonfly flew once around the garden then came up to me hovered practically touching my nose for 5 seconds they went to my daughter stood next to me and then flew around the garden once more and then away it went.

I went to Canada with a friend a couple of years ago and decided to try white water river rafting.  Very tame for beginners thank goodness.  Once we were all on the raft just as it set off a dragon flew above my head.  As we were approaching the end of our time and soaking on the raft just before i got off a dragonfly flew above my head.

My husband had a playstation its still in place where it alwaus was.  when I have a friend of ours over we often chat quite late in the evening on a number of occasions the playstation has turned itself on and after a minute turns itself back off. We always smile and think its my David saying its late!!

I think you are both Babyem and yourself Racey both strong and are and will continue to find ways to cope and have good and bad days with hopefully in time however long that takes to have more of the better days.  There is no right or wrong or length of time to grieve we all cope our way but talking and sharing is a huge help to me also so thank you both.

Keep taking care of yourself both of you one day at a time xx

16 shirts 8 pairs of trousers get that ironing done ~ you're clearly slacking!!
Just like you I think Kevin is going to walk in & call my name. 
I have done nothing but cry tears again today how on earth have I got so many  left in my body. 
I just can't accept that he's not with me anymore the sorrow in me hurts so much. I wish there was just 1 thing that feels a bit better. 
For some unknown reason I can't sleep & keep waking up at 3am so not only do I find grief exhausting but I'm exhausted with everything. 
I'm back to school tomorrow which I'm extremely anxious about but know I have to go & break the ice with seeing everyone perhaps that's why I am feeling like I have these last few days, hey? But tomorrow I'm going to take your words in my foggy brain 'Have a Day'
Bit miserable really aren't I. Why does this suck so much Racey why?
 

Hope you have had a good day 

Hi Leigh

We had very similar to you but with a butterfly & on the day of his funeral a butterfly sat on the ledge of the alter then flew to me & sat by my feet. It's so very odd isn't it. 
As you can see I've struggled big time these few days just overwhelmed by absolutely everything & the slightest thing sets me off I don't just cry I sob & it hits me in waves. 
Back to School tomorrow I hope no one is nice to me :sad:

Grief is overwhelming isn't it how can I have so many tears in my body 

My Kevin is such a lovely kind man & boy did he make me laugh so I hope all their paths have crossed  

I hope you're ok

I said every single day that kisses & hugs are free today & im sure I got on his nerves keep hugging & kissing him but who cares so today I'm sending you & Racey a free hug 

Take the greatest of care xx 

Hi Leigh60 & Babyem,

I do believe there are signs, I think but I would like a big sign to appear in front of me saying 'I am here my sweetheart, looking over you and I will watch over you until we are together again'. God, I am crying writing this.

I have often thought of seeing a Medium or Clairvoyant, to get messages from my Fiona, (via a thjirs party) but you never know who is real and who is a fake.

I am a guy, a big guy but that doesn't help, I still cry like a child most day. I thought that, as it is coming up to 10 months since Fiona left, that I would cope better, I am not.

Here's hoping that we all manage to stay strong and be there for each other.  

Hi Babyem,

You are right, I am slacking. I do the washing, dry them and then hang them up for ironing. This load of ironing is hanging up and as I pass it every day and think, I will Iron that lot today but I go into the kitchen and take on another task and forget about the ironing. It started with 3 shirts and a couple of trousers and grew and grew and got out of control. 

I hope your first day at scholl went as well as it could and you coped. I sound like I am talikng to my daughter, 30 years ago.

As I mentioned previously, I have returned to my last job, one day a week as a volunteer and it is good to feel useful and be surrounded by old friends.

You metioned tiredness, I met with friends this morning when we all decided that we would meet every 3 to 4 weeks to have breakfast at different places while we give them a score on taste and value for money. Anyway, after breakfast, I drove one of my mates home. I decided that I wasn't going to go and sit at home so I went to Tesco's. Like you, my sleep pattern have been all over the place, anyway, I parked up, wound  the recliner part of my seat down, before getting out and laid back. I woke 2 hours later. Looking around trying to work out where I was and remembered but it was a deep, deep sleep. I probably won't sleep at all tonight.

 Anyway, Sausage & Mash tonight (from a pack).

I do have other sayings and poems, so when you feel a little low, I will find a saying or poem that will get you aout of that slump.

Take care x

I just signed on to see if you're ok & saw that you have only just put a message on here. Have to say you did make me laugh which is a dam sight better than the

tears that have left my eyes just recently & today was no exception I lasted until lunchtime & couldn't stand anymore everyone was too nice to me! & I did nothing but cry. So brought my work home which was fine. The Head has just texted me to say do mornings only for a bit just to help me which I think I might take her up on this suggestion. 
 

That's a nice thing to do to meet up with friends for breakfast my favourite meal of the day!

2 hours you must have needed it  im surprised no one knocked on your window to see if you're ok.  You'll be up till late tonight, finish your ironing! so bossy :happy:

Love one line sayings so always send them  

I see Fiona was born in January all good babies are born in January :wink::happy: 

Hope your evening, well what's left of it, is ok & sleep man!

Night 

Hi Babyem,

It was always going to be difficult on your first day back but, as you say, the more people are nicer to you, the more tearful you become. 

I went to bed at midnight and went  straight off to sleep (hooray)...............................................and woke uip at 4 am (groan). I could not get back to sleep, so many things going through my head so, I got up at 6 am and as today is my one day a week that I volunteer at work, I though that I would drive into work early, stop at a lay-by nearby and have a nap. I slept for 40 minutes and was raring to go.

Did you notice my level of education in my last post to you? I stated that 'I hope your first day at scholl goes well'  1/10.

Do you hate weekends? I could do without them.

Now, yoour comment on Birthdays, Birthdays in January is totally irresponsible. Presents for Christmas and again a couple of weeks later. Now, my Birthday took a lot of thought. I was born           17 June, right in the middle of the year so I have 6 months to wait til Christmas presents then another 6 months to wait til Birthdays presents. (that makes 6 pairs of socks, and a bottle Lynx).

Here is another slightly longer but also helpful wording:

If the mountain seems too big today, then climb a hill instead. If the morning brings you sadness, it's ok to stay in bed. If the day ahead weighs heavy and your plans feel like a curse, there's no shame in rearranging: don't make yourself feel worse. If a shower stings like needles and a bath feels like you'll drown, if you haven't washed your hair for days don't throw away your crown. A day is not a lifetime, a rest is not a defeat. Don't think of it as failure, just a quiet, kind retreat. It's ok to take a moment from an anxious, fractured mind. The world will not stop turning while you get realigned. The mountain will still be there when you want to try again. You can climb it in your own time. Just love yourself til then.

Take care, chat soon