Hi Racey how you doing?
We had Kevin's funeral on Thursday which was lovely but boy have I gone down hill since then

To be honest I thought I had grieved before he passed away but clearly I hadn't. Yesterday I couldn't even look at his photograph, every time I thought of him I was sick & haven't stopped crying since. 
I feel scared, lost, confused, why isn't he here with me? What am I going to do with out him & so the list goes on. 
Will I ever recover :sad:

I hope you have been ok these last few days 

Hi Leigh60,

I did reply to your post of 7 August but recived no reply. I hope my reply didn't upset you in anyway.

Hi Leigh60,

I did reply to your post of 7 August but recived no reply. I hope my reply didn't upset you in anyway.

Hi Racey

Thanks for your words, crikey how hard is all this, it's just awful isn't. 
I went up to his grave again today it just broke my heart I'm even struggling with that now. 
I was asked whether or not I will be going back to work in a week (work in a School)  I'm so confused with this too. One minute I think I'm ready the next I'm bursting into tears. 

How you doing today? Don't know if have heard of this but I was given this book & it's been so helpful 

"It's Ok that you're not Ok" by Megan Devine worth a read if you can get your hands on a copy 

Anyway Mr go careful, say a prayer for us both & we will touch base tomorrow 

Hi,

I will look out for the book or order it through Amazon, thank you.

I think it may be a little too early to return to work, but wait to see how you feel in a weeks time.

I saw my Counsellor last Monday and she told me not to give too much advice on Bereavement sites as it is still raw for me and I am struggling and depressed and not thinking as straight as I would normally do.   Anyway I will continue to chat with you, if it is ok with you? as I think I feel writing these feelings down does help.

My belief in God finished 9 months ago but I hope we both begin to learn to cope better, in the near future.

I hope you sleep well. 

Hi, had a good few days?
I have noticed that my grief comes in waves, one minute I'm feeling stronger & get some jobs done & the next I feel like I've been run over by a bus! So many tears I can't believe that I have so many left in me.

The thought of not having Kev here for days, weeks & years is overwhelming & is eating me away  

The Head has called me in for a meeting on Monday for a chat I'm guessing to see if I'm going back ~ that decision is making me feel stressed & anxious got a lot of thinking to do.

If you find it too much coming on here just type 1 line saying "all too much will be back" that way I will know & won't worry about you ~ deal?

someone said to me today; "yay it's Friday " honestly I felt so sad; what difference does it make hey.

It's my children's b/day tomorrow twins of 25! We have a trip into London booked for ages & im trying to tell myself it will be ok ~ don't feel very confident about venturing out into the big wide world just yet ~ silly I know  

Remember to be kind to yourself & we will slowly but surely get there hey 

Hello Racey1

So sorry not to have come back to you and please in no way did you upset me.  I come on here from time to time when I feel I can.  I hope that isn't selfish and am sorry for making you feel unsure about your reply.

So glad you have the support of your brother and sister but feel empathy at how lonely it is when visitors leave to go home.  Covid has made it all so much harder for you and others having to go through so much and find ways of coping with everything.  I can't comprehend that on top of everything.

My husband was such a kind caring man and would do anything for anyone he always put his family and others before himself.  He was a very selfless man.  He was also very quick witted and brought laughter and joy into every day.  His sense of humour is something I miss so much I am much more serious.  He was a real gentleman and highly thought of by so many.  He could talk to and get along with anyone no matter what walk of life they came from.  I always knew everything would be alright with him by myside but like Babyem has said in her post to you the sadness lonliness confusion and being scared and alone is how I feel even now.  Somehow you find a way be it crying all day and just letting it all out or thinking of happier times or picking up the phone or walking the dog what ever it is somehow you find slowly ways of getting through the days and nights.  My husband said to me don't let it make you bitter and I try really hard not to be.  When he was diagnosed I remember saying to him why you why now and he replied why anyone.  I was shaking and crumbling with shock but he was the one with his arms around me comforting me.  

As you say be kind to yourself and I agree there is no time or limit to how long or how you grieve.  For me it will never go away there will always be days when the grief is so intense but also somehow you find ways to go with those days and ways to cope with the other days.

Im babbling on please keep looking after yourself and reaching out when you need to there are so many of us on here sadly.  So many lovely people who make you feel your not alone and help you cope.

Take care big hugs x

Hello Babyem

So very sorry for the loss of your husband.  Life is so cruel sometimes.  Keep being kind to yourself and reaching out.  Take care x

Hi,

I find it helps me, when I communicate to someone who uindestands what I am going through, so if it is ok with you, I will continue.

 As you say, the thought of living the rest of our life without our loved one is daunting and frightening, I try not to think about it otherwise, I will break down yet again. 

What do you do at School? can you do just a few hours a day for a while to get back into the swing of things? 

I was asked to go to a 'drop in cafe' at our local Hospice for yesterday. It was run by a lady called Ann who was in charge of the Listeners (Counsellors). There were two other people besides me. I didn't realise I was going to have to tell my story and relive the whole nightmare again. Wow, that was hard.

The trouble is, the two other people lost a son and the other lost a husband, noither of them to Cancer but, I woman almost tried to dominate the whole thing. She was aangry but not the same angry we have experienced, her anger was directed at her Ex husband for not staying in touch with the son. I am not sure I will go back to this 'dropp in cafe' but will keep seeing my Cousellor.

Where are you going in London? Although I don't live in London, I was born in North London.

I hope you have a good day (I am sure you will) and meeting up with your twins will take your mind off things for a while.

I am off to make something to eat. Take care of yourself