Dear Racey1

I lost my husband 2 weeks ago & struggling too & have never felt sadness, loneliness, scared, confusion like it. 
I just thought to myself I can't wait to go to bed so I've done another day

I want him back, I want to chat to him & tell him all that's been happening & the 100's of tributes I have received. I want to hold his hand again. 
Racey I can't give you any advice but I think be kind to yourself. I like you think it's going to take time but I am sure like my Kev they will be proud of us by just keeping 
One foot in front of the other. 
I hurt beyond words & still have his funeral on Thursday how on earth am I going to get through the day. 
I feel completely broken just like you mate 

Hug from someone who knows how you're feeling x

Hi Leigh60,

Thank you for your kind words and I am sorry for your loss also. I know, for me, that it is early days but I expected not to be so emotional after 9 months. So many other factors, Fiona died so quickly and I did get a chance to say everything I wanted to say, although I held her hand 90% of the time and told Fiona that I love her so many times. I didn't know what her wishes were, where details and paperwork were and to make things worse, we were in the middle of a Covid19 lockdown, so I remained indoors for quite sometime, reliving everything.

Thank you for your reply, it calmed me and showed me I am not alone. My brother and sister have been supportive but when they leave to go home, I am on my own again in a quiet, lonely home.  

Fiona and I had been married for 27 years and I am quite a bit older than Fiona and though I would go first. Fiona was a very mature 52 year old, when she passed away and I was a very childish 68 year old (69 now), so we balanced out well. I am a joker, I find fun in everything and quick witted but feel I have a constant frown on my face and I don't like it. Sorry for the ramble. did you and your husband comliment each other?

Hi Babyem,

Thank you for your prompt reply. I am so sorry for your loss, There is me moaning about my situation while you are dealing with your recent loss. The funeral can be daunting but as long as you have family and friends surrounding you, you will get through it. We were only allowed 30 at Fiona's Cremation but we could have filled it 10 times over. I keep lots of sayings and poems regarding loss and on of the signs state that there are '3 stages of grief, 1st stage, middle stage and the rest of your life' whioch seems to be about right. after 9 months, my sleep pattern is all over the place but like you, as sson as I get to bed and to sleep, I can forget the extreme pain I am feeling. 

Thank you again for your lovely words and showing me that I am not alone x

Hi Racey1

How you doing today?
I woke up this morning & thought 'ok got the weekend out of the way'

Another day/week! 
Today I went to see my Kevin I was traumatised when I left I just thought he was going to get up & come home with me I was desperate to get home & be safe & like you I have no motivation to step outside my front door  again

Did you see your Fiona? 

Luckily for me I work in a School so we are in the summer holidays but I doubt myself whether I will have the courage or strength to go back. 
 

I hope you had a better day today & am thinking of you 
 

Hi Babyem,

I am a little better today thanks but they will probably change this evening.

I was asked if I wanted to see my Fiona at the Chapel of Rest.

Fiona went into Hospital as the Consultant was believed that Fiona's Brain had swollen due to the Brain Radiotherapy. Anyway, after a couple of weeks, it was decided that Fiona could come be discharged into a home as I am a full time wheelchair user but I said NO, Fiona is coming home with me. Although I am a wheelchair user, I am avery mobile wheelchair user and have competed in 2 Paralympic Games. so, I got Fiona home where the Hospice at home service arranged for a bed to be placed in our front room. I cooked and looked after Fiona doing her meals, medication etc but she was notably getting worse. I held Fiona's hand every minute I could. Fiona stopped eating and taking her pills and went downhill quickly. The day she passed away, I was holding her hand and her head was facing the wall, so I managed to pull the bed out and sat and faced Fiona. After a while, Fiona breathing deteriorated and anoise was coming from her mouth, I was told it is called the 'Death Rattle'. small amounts of blood came from her mouth, which I wiped but the inevitable happened and I saw it all and I could get that last image out of my mind. So, when I was asked if I wanted to see Fiona, I thought yes, it may give me a better last image of her. I went to the Chapel of Rest and cried. I held her hand, which was very cold and started looking around for a blanket to cover her. My brain could accept where Fiona was. I am sorry about this gibberish, as I am crying my eyes out typing this. I am glad I saw my Heart & Soul, however upsetting it was.

I continue as well as I can as I know that Fiona is right behind me telling me not to do anything stupid and to look after myself but when we had spent 30 wonderful years together, inseperable and we had crammed so much, in our life together.

I will take each day as it comes, like you must do and when something happens and your are struggling, ask yourself, what would Kev say to me to do. I try to stay busy, playing some sport and volunteering at a charity I worked for before I retired.

Please take care of yourself and remember we are not alone. Message me anytime you want to chat and if it is ok with you, I will do the same.      

Morning 

Exactly like you I cared for him, fed him, gave him his meds daily & held Kev's hand right until the end & my children were with him too. I wouldn't have changed that for the world & the time we spent together is beyond any words. We have been together for 31 years childhood sweethearts & to imagine my future without him is scaring me   
every day I kissed him all the time, always told him kisses were free today! I'm sure I got on his nerves 

Fiona & Kevin would be proud of us I am sure & let's keep putting that one foot in front of the other ~ you have a day today of courage & just do 1 thing that Fiona would like you to do, even if it's putting the bins out ~ hated that job but today I did it & told him x

Fiona was originally from Newcastle and moved down south to become a journalist. Fiona's mum moved down to the next town to be nearer us both, so, I am sure that Fiona would want me to continue helping her and looking out for her mum. I would have done it anyway. As you say Kevin and Fiona are looking down on us both, wanting us to remain strong (I think I ve failed that test).

I hate taking the bins out also but it has to be done along with the washing, Ironing and other household chores. I will be thinking of you on Thursday and again reiterate, that you must have family and friends around you the whole time, they will support you you throughout this difficult time.

Please look after yourself and if you are feeling down or want to chat, please message me.  I hope you don't mind if I do the same?

You haven't failed you've survived. Someone told me once that the survivors have the toughest side of things I thought 'shut up you don't know what you're talking about' oh boy!

Well I've spent my day crying all day! How can one have so many tears in their body how? & to top it off my shoes came & they look ridiculous ~ a women thing!
 

We will we get through this? It's going to be a long bumpy road & it will take a very long time.

I always want a chat no one understands how we are feeling you get stupid comments like 'at least he isn't in pain' 'he never was he was on a syringe driver' 'he was very young' 'yes 57 is young' & so it goes on

I will check in tomorrow clearly have some sense moving to the south!!!

Lets be kind to ourselves hey I think you have done a remarkable job & still doing so with mum. I've only just started this horrendous journey & truly don't know where it will take me 

It is strange, as you say, that we can shed so many tears and they still keep coming. I have Fiona's photos around the house, which is nice but sometimes it is upsetting when I talk to her. I ahve been told by so many people that the pain won't go away but..... we learn to cope with the pain over time.

I will communicate tomorrow. I hope you manage to sleep.