I'm acrually ok in the mornings, as this is the time I have my routine (work, errands, shopping). I find the evenings worse, as this is the time we'd chat or text. I also didn't really get into that stage where you can't get up in the morning, instead I'd stay up until 2 am and then get up again at 7. 

I did already suspect that me forgetting had something to do with me not accepting. I know this is kind of weird but I kind of don't want to accept it, as I feel like it would mean it would be over and I wouldn't miss/love her anymore. I feel like I should be suffering, because she was the most important person in my life. I know this sounds crazy, but I'm kind of terrified of being ok with what has happened. 

Sending a virtual hug and take care xx

I don't think it's weird that you feel that way at all. I know I'm struggling with acceptance because it almost feels like a betrayal to my Mum to accept that she's gone. There have been times where I've laughed at something since her death and it's really upset me that I've been able to laugh when my Mum died such a short time ago. There have been days where I get through a full day "normally", without really thinking about her and what happened and I'm riddled with guilt at the end of those days because I feel like I should be suffering because I miss her so much and shouldn't have those days. Acceptance is really scary to me too because I think I'm associating acceptance with forgetting her, or not loving her or missing her enough.

I'm trying to keep what my Mum would want for me at the front of my mind. My Mum would want me to be laughing. She'd want me to be living my life the best I can. She definitely wouldn't want me to be suffering at her expense and I'm sure your lovely Mum wouldn't want that for you either. It is so so difficult to accept though and way easier said than done. I don't think we'll ever be ok with what has happened but I do think we will get stronger and able to deal with what has happened a bit better as time goes on. My Dad died when I was 15 and although I wouldn't say I'm ok with losing my Dad at such a young age, at some stage I did just accept it without realising I had. We find the strength from somewhere to find happiness again amongst the grief.

Xx

I am so sorry to hear about your Dad and I absolutely get where you're coming from. I'll go with a mate for a coffee have a normal chat, bit of random banter and I'll get home and drown in guilt. I've had whole weekends where I'd just stay at home and avoid seeing anyone that could make me laugh. I still feel guilty, but I deal with it better than at the beginning. 

My Mum was the most happy and optimistic person I've ever known and I think she'd understand that I'm upset, but yes like your Mum she wouldn't want me to be like this. She'd want me to go out and enjoy life. All I ever did in the last 10 years was to make my Mum proud, so life seems slightly aimless for me atm...

But I'm so glad to hear that you can relate and I'm not completely mental. You and the others on here have been so helpful and I wish I had joined sooner xx

Everything you are saying really resonates with me. I'm struggling to know how to live my life now because everything I've done in recent years has been for my Mum. I have siblings but they have their own families to focus on, whereas I don't have any children so it was often Mum and I as our own wee team. I was really enjoying being at that stage in my life where I could look after and spoil my Mum after all she's done for me my entire life and I'm devastated that's been cut short and I don't really know what to do with myself now. I've been thinking that my new aim in life could be to do the things that she never got to do; she always wanted to travel more and see the world, so I think that's something that I could do for her, in her memory. But right now with the pandemic and travel being a bit up the left, life is feeling a bit aimless at the moment xxx