Hi [@PinkPineapple]‍ 

I wanted to respond to your post as I sadly can empathise with how you're feeling. I am the same age as you and I lost my Mum in May this year after a very short battle with lung cancer. It came as such a shock as she was seemingly fit and well just weeks prior. Like you, I don't have any friends who understand as none have yet lost a parent. I came onto this forum the day after my Mum's funeral and it has been a huge comfort to me speaking with others my age who have been through a similar experience and know how it feels. I felt like I was going crazy with how I have been feeling these past couple of months but speaking to others here who have felt and/or thought the same has made me feel a lot less alone/crazy!

The only advice I have is to keep talking, even if it's just typing your feelings on here. I've found writing things down to be a huge help and a release of emotion. I'm also speaking to a bereavement counsellor after being advised it was helpful by a few people on this forum. I was nervous like you but it has been a life raft for me knowing that once a week I have an outlet for my emotions. I've found the fact that they're a stranger is really helpful as it's a non judgemental way of dealing with my grief as I'm not afraid to hide how I feel or sugar coat my feelings. Cruse and Sue Ryder both offer a few weeks of free bereavement specific counselling but there's roughly a 6-8 week waiting list. Maybe by that time you may feel more ready? Cruse also offer an instant web chat service Monday-Friday and the link to this can be found on their website. I've found this to be a great help when I've been overwhelmed with emotion; I can just pop onto the web chat, type out exactly how I'm feeling and I'll receive an instant response from a trained counsellor, which is so helpful when you get that lump in your throat and heaviness in your chest that makes you feel unable to speak to anyone.

You really aren't alone and I'm happy to chat with you further if you'd like. We're all just trying our best to support each other in any way we can.

Take care xxx

Hi [@Dexter123]‍ 

I am so sorry to hear that you are having to go through this struggle and thanks so much for sharing with me. I do indeed feel like this place has given me more support in a couple of days than anyone else has in months!

I feel most certainly look into the counselling you mentioned. Thanks so much! There seems to be so much on the internet and I have no idea how to choose. I only joined last weekend. I have been reading threads on here once we got the diagnosis last year, but I guess I just wasn't ready to share. It all still seems so surreal. I forget that she has gone constantly and then it just hits me over and over again. The problem is that I don't have certain triggers. I can watch something on TV with hospitals in it and not be bothered at all, but yesterday I saw something and it just shot out of me! 

Take care xx

It is a surreal feeling isn't it. I still can't get my head around the fact that I'll never see my Mum again and often forget this. The mornings are the worst for me as I'll wake up and think about popping round to my Mum's for a coffee and then remember why I can't do that. I think it's common to forget and have reality hit you over and over again; a few people have shared with me on this forum that they get this too. My bereavement counsellor has told me that this happens because I haven't yet accepted that my Mum is gone, so we're working on strategies on finding acceptance and being able to move on with my life whilst carrying my Mum with me. I recently got a locket made with her photo in it and I now wear it all the time. It comforts me having her close by in a way, especially when I'm having a hard day.

I feel the same as you about triggers. I've been to my Mum's favourite coffee shop and drove past her work, which I thought would set me off but I felt ok, sad but ok. I could be doing something trivial like hoovering the house though and end up curled in a ball on my sofa crying my heart out because my Mum liked a clean house! I don't think there's any rhyme or reason to grief and you just need to feel what you're feeling, when you're feeling it.

Sending a virtual hug xxx

It is a surreal feeling isn't it. I still can't get my head around the fact that I'll never see my Mum again and often forget this. The mornings are the worst for me as I'll wake up and think about popping round to my Mum's for a coffee and then remember why I can't do that. I think it's common to forget and have reality hit you over and over again; a few people have shared with me on this forum that they get this too. My bereavement counsellor has told me that this happens because I haven't yet accepted that my Mum is gone, so we're working on strategies on finding acceptance and being able to move on with my life whilst carrying my Mum with me. I recently got a locket made with her photo in it and I now wear it all the time. It comforts me having her close by in a way, especially when I'm having a hard day.

I feel the same as you about triggers. I've been to my Mum's favourite coffee shop and drove past her work, which I thought would set me off but I felt ok, sad but ok. I could be doing something trivial like hoovering the house though and end up curled in a ball on my sofa crying my heart out because my Mum liked a clean house! I don't think there's any rhyme or reason to grief and you just need to feel what you're feeling, when you're feeling it.

Sending a virtual hug xxx

I'm acrually ok in the mornings, as this is the time I have my routine (work, errands, shopping). I find the evenings worse, as this is the time we'd chat or text. I also didn't really get into that stage where you can't get up in the morning, instead I'd stay up until 2 am and then get up again at 7. 

I did already suspect that me forgetting had something to do with me not accepting. I know this is kind of weird but I kind of don't want to accept it, as I feel like it would mean it would be over and I wouldn't miss/love her anymore. I feel like I should be suffering, because she was the most important person in my life. I know this sounds crazy, but I'm kind of terrified of being ok with what has happened. 

Sending a virtual hug and take care xx

I don't think it's weird that you feel that way at all. I know I'm struggling with acceptance because it almost feels like a betrayal to my Mum to accept that she's gone. There have been times where I've laughed at something since her death and it's really upset me that I've been able to laugh when my Mum died such a short time ago. There have been days where I get through a full day "normally", without really thinking about her and what happened and I'm riddled with guilt at the end of those days because I feel like I should be suffering because I miss her so much and shouldn't have those days. Acceptance is really scary to me too because I think I'm associating acceptance with forgetting her, or not loving her or missing her enough.

I'm trying to keep what my Mum would want for me at the front of my mind. My Mum would want me to be laughing. She'd want me to be living my life the best I can. She definitely wouldn't want me to be suffering at her expense and I'm sure your lovely Mum wouldn't want that for you either. It is so so difficult to accept though and way easier said than done. I don't think we'll ever be ok with what has happened but I do think we will get stronger and able to deal with what has happened a bit better as time goes on. My Dad died when I was 15 and although I wouldn't say I'm ok with losing my Dad at such a young age, at some stage I did just accept it without realising I had. We find the strength from somewhere to find happiness again amongst the grief.

Xx

I am so sorry to hear about your Dad and I absolutely get where you're coming from. I'll go with a mate for a coffee have a normal chat, bit of random banter and I'll get home and drown in guilt. I've had whole weekends where I'd just stay at home and avoid seeing anyone that could make me laugh. I still feel guilty, but I deal with it better than at the beginning. 

My Mum was the most happy and optimistic person I've ever known and I think she'd understand that I'm upset, but yes like your Mum she wouldn't want me to be like this. She'd want me to go out and enjoy life. All I ever did in the last 10 years was to make my Mum proud, so life seems slightly aimless for me atm...

But I'm so glad to hear that you can relate and I'm not completely mental. You and the others on here have been so helpful and I wish I had joined sooner xx

Everything you are saying really resonates with me. I'm struggling to know how to live my life now because everything I've done in recent years has been for my Mum. I have siblings but they have their own families to focus on, whereas I don't have any children so it was often Mum and I as our own wee team. I was really enjoying being at that stage in my life where I could look after and spoil my Mum after all she's done for me my entire life and I'm devastated that's been cut short and I don't really know what to do with myself now. I've been thinking that my new aim in life could be to do the things that she never got to do; she always wanted to travel more and see the world, so I think that's something that I could do for her, in her memory. But right now with the pandemic and travel being a bit up the left, life is feeling a bit aimless at the moment xxx

Same here. All I did was safe up to take my Mum on holidays or days out or get her something nice, just because she's a great Mum. All I ever really did was make sure I went home every couple of months. I start a new job on Monday and will be earning more than ever and now I'm just like 'yeh great...'. It hurts that I will be in a great financial position, when I don't even really need it. I'm big into sharing, in particular with my Mum. I feel really lonely not being able to share  My brother is a scientist and has a more calm personality, so it was always Mum and I going on our silly little adventures.

I was also thinking of visiting places we never managed like Norway, but my GP actually told me to wait as it is quite uncertain how I'll reaxt once I'm there. And the pandemic obviously doesn't help either so I'm just trying to do things that I enjoy...finding something is not easy. I might try a day trip rather than an entire holiday. I think it might be a little scary having a bad day in a strange place.