I lost my Mum just over 6 months ago. She was getting some back pains but we didn’t really think it was that serious until the doctor diagnosed her with pancreatic cancer. I was with her when she was diagnosed, I held her and we cried. It felt so unreal. We thought we would have more time but she died a few weeks later. I still can’t believe it, I keep replaying the last few weeks in my mind. Cancer is such a cruel illness and it was incredibly hard to see someone I loved so much going through what she did.
Mum was more than just a Mum, she was my best friend and a “kindred spirit.” She was probably the only person who I felt I could really be myself with and that I was “enough.” Since losing her, it’s really affected my self esteem and many times at night I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up again. Many days I just don’t want to be here, there feels no point. I just feel so utterly alone. At times I struggle with feelings of self harm. I’ve always liked myself but at times lately I feel a hatred towards myself and I’ve no idea why. I feel ashamed to feel like this when so many people are going through much more difficult things in their lives.
I don’t really have anyone to talk to about these things and I keep it to myself. Everyone thinks I’m brave and coping well, they have no idea how I’m feeling inside.
I know if you’re reading this, you probably have your own story of losing someone very precious to you. Thank you for taking the time to read mine. Trusting for brighter days ahead for us all.
