Hi,

I am really so sorry to hear what you have been through. It must have been very hard especially as you were on your own and my heart goes out to you. My mum died about 3 months ago 5 weeks after diagnosis and although I wasn't in the hospital when she died, I was with her a few hours before. She was in hospital for the last 8 days of her life and because of covid and very poor communication from the hospital, I only got to see her the day she died. She was in a lot of pain, drugged up and agitated (like your mum) and the cancer had completely eaten away at her sinced I last seen her. I had lots of things going around in my head for months after - was she in pain?, was she afaid to die?, was she upset that I hadn't been to see her during her stay in hospital?

All I can say is that I hope things will get better for you as time goes on and gradually the happy memories replace the traumatic ones.

Oh Ghilgames_Diana,

I just had to reply to your post. I am so sorry to hear about your mum's passing and of all the stress that this has caused you. Losing our mums is one of the hardest things we'll ever do in our lives and I offer you my sincere condolences.

Sadly, although some of us do pass peacefully, this doesn't happen to everyone and it can be especially hard to watch a loved one suffer in this way. You will unfortunately hold these upsetting  images with you for a while, before you start to draw from the many happier times that you,ve both experienced. You will gradually find that these unfortunate images fade and you'll recall happier times instead.

Hearing is one of the last senses to go, so the chances are that your mum heard everything that you were saying to her until close to the end.

You are young to have to go through all of this, as was your mum. It is a shock to the system at any time, but especially the first time that you experience this. You have done well to be with her right to the end and I hope that, with the benefit of time, you will find peace. Please be kind to yourself and remember that there are no set rules when it comes to grief. It will take as long as it takes. Do you have someone to help you through this period?

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Please keep in touch. We are always here for you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Diana, 

Firstly, I'm just so sorry to hear about your mum. I (24F) had a similar experience with my dad, 54, a couple of months ago. I don't think anyone can understand how awful this is unless they go through it themselves. I thought (or had been told) dying is generally peaceful too, but I found it harrowing and traumatic. I think I was sick after he passed. 

I think it's impossible not to have those questions after witnessing what we have witnessed - were they in pain? Could they hear us? 

If this brings you any comfort, I was told by the nurses that most of what we see before death is just the body reacting. For example, the agitation ie moving arms/legs up and down is called the Lazarus Reflex, and it's just a reflex reaction usually in brain dead or brainstem failure patients. The moaning is also apparently just the sound of air passing over relaxed vocal cords, even though it sounds distressed/sad. Crying could have been the eyes overproducing moisture as they've been closed for a while.

I know this is just unbearable but please know you're not alone and there are lots of people who understand and share those worries and questions you have. Please also know you did the absolute best thing you could do by being there with your mum.

Take care and all the best,

Laura x

Hi Diana,

I completely empathize with what you went through.  Three weeks ago I lost my lovely father to cancer and like you never appreciated just how traumatic the end could actually be.  Any other family members i have been with when they passed were significantly more peaceful.  I have been trying so soo hard to push the last images i have into a wee box far away from my day to day thoughts but at times it can become overwhelming.  I also put my fathers death down to the fact it was brain mets and we could literally see his brain shutting down in front of us after a series of seizures. 

Laura thank you so much for replying with explanations as to what the physical signs could be.  You really cannot comprehend just how comforting this is.  We felt so alone and unprepared for the end, we were largely left by hospital staff for his last few hours and felt quite vulnerable with regards to whether he required top up medication (it was left too late for driver to be put in place) and even when we did seek guidance from nursing staff it often took over half an hour for medication to be administered!

Hopefully in time we all can filter out the bad and remember all the good about our loved ones!

Myself and sister have lost our best chum and loving mother to lung cancer , in March  she was diagnosed after a year of the docs saying it was thrush in her throat through her inhalers   that's the reason she lost weight . No eventually advised to get a scan then was told it was lung cancer . She then took a blood clot to her led and was hospitalised,  home again . Told to go through chemo when she was 7 stone . I feel the GPS did not help . Told she had a tumour would last 3 months , then diagnosed as being wring , now thought it was a blood clot . Then told she would live longer , not to be , she lasted 3 months , I have no faith in any  NHS now . On the wed a nurse came to talk to my mum privately in bedroom to ask if she was knowing what was happening without our consent to this my said hope my girls can cope . She then came back to tell us we have a few days with her , we stayed with my loving mum held her hand , placed lots of fairy lights in her room,  played alexa , sang songs . Not knowing that it took 5 days for her to pass. We were exhausted gave her a face massage , lay beside her , yet the agitation in her face and the death rattke we heard all day on the Sunday which was the final day . Not one nurse told us how hard it could be , we then sat from 2 until 5 seeing how agitated she looked then called the district nurse who then gave her more morphine and midazalam , which supposedly is a sedative , told us she would sleep . Nope she looked towards the window jaw dropped eyes dilated wide and iris enlarged non responsive took 20 mins then eyes slowly dropped lay back and then she was gone . I have never suffered anything so traumatic in all mine.  Nurses should of told us how bad it could get I'm traumatised  and so is my wee sister . Heartbroken 

Hi, I have just seen your post and can't tell you how similar this is to my experience of losing my Mom to cancer.

I am traumatised by her final moments, more so than the grief of living without her at the moment and feel like I just had no idea that death could be this disturbing? I thought it was peaceful. I hear the sounds of her death rattle and see the tear too that rolled down my mother's face. 
Have you found comfort in anything?

I'm so sorry my reply is not one of any support or suggestion but I thank you for sharing your experience as it's made me feel less alone in my thoughts.

Hi everyone,

Apologies for not replying here for a long time.It has been 6 months since she has died and I kind of stopped looking at these forums since ,as I needed to recover and try to carry on.

I can say that with time it gets better.I am not sure if it is my own mind trying to protect me and blocking some memories or if the moment itself is not as freshly imprinted on my mind.

I still have nightmares and I still remember certain moments which marked me,and which will probably be there until my end,however, I found comfort in trying to enjoy life more.It is hard, but possible.I know my mother would have never wanted me to close myself down and stop living so I keep on pushing.

I also found some relief in reading about NED experiences, as I do hope she is in a better place now where she can no longer feel pain and hopefully watch over me.

BE strong !

Diana

I'm so so terribly sorry to hear what you have been through with your mum. My mum passed away after an 8 month battle with lung and liver cancer which was horrendous - I had mixed experiences with NHS staff but sometimes I couldn't believe the way she (and I) were being treated and how hard we had to fight for her dignity - confronted by sometimes callous or just incompetent staff. Some of her hospital (and home) experiences were living nightmares frankly - they still haunt me. Many services who should have been there for her just weren't, and it's clear we no longer have a remotely functional NHS. My mum was a retired NHS child psychiatrist who fought so hard for her patients, saved so many children and gave her whole life to others. I am now being told I have PTSD from the experience - anxiety, flashbacks, difficulty controlling emotions, insomnia, memory loss etc. I'm normally a completely stable person, so these symptoms are very new for me and it's difficult to stay functional.

You mum is at peace now at least. I'm sure she woulnd't have wanted to you to be consumed by the ordeal, but I know it's hard to live with the sense of injustice, and it can be worrying that it might happen again with another loved one. I hope you are recovering from the horror of it and managing to embrace life. I'm sure she would have wanted that.

So sorry to hear about what you have went through I watched my partner of 25 years pass away after 6 weeks of being diagnosed of cancer.  And In the end she was in a hospice.  At the very last stages she cried out and did not pass peacefully so I relive that moment so often. I had to have counselling it does get easier but never gives away