Hi Diana, 

Firstly, I'm just so sorry to hear about your mum. I (24F) had a similar experience with my dad, 54, a couple of months ago. I don't think anyone can understand how awful this is unless they go through it themselves. I thought (or had been told) dying is generally peaceful too, but I found it harrowing and traumatic. I think I was sick after he passed. 

I think it's impossible not to have those questions after witnessing what we have witnessed - were they in pain? Could they hear us? 

If this brings you any comfort, I was told by the nurses that most of what we see before death is just the body reacting. For example, the agitation ie moving arms/legs up and down is called the Lazarus Reflex, and it's just a reflex reaction usually in brain dead or brainstem failure patients. The moaning is also apparently just the sound of air passing over relaxed vocal cords, even though it sounds distressed/sad. Crying could have been the eyes overproducing moisture as they've been closed for a while.

I know this is just unbearable but please know you're not alone and there are lots of people who understand and share those worries and questions you have. Please also know you did the absolute best thing you could do by being there with your mum.

Take care and all the best,

Laura x

Hi Diana,

I completely empathize with what you went through.  Three weeks ago I lost my lovely father to cancer and like you never appreciated just how traumatic the end could actually be.  Any other family members i have been with when they passed were significantly more peaceful.  I have been trying so soo hard to push the last images i have into a wee box far away from my day to day thoughts but at times it can become overwhelming.  I also put my fathers death down to the fact it was brain mets and we could literally see his brain shutting down in front of us after a series of seizures. 

Laura thank you so much for replying with explanations as to what the physical signs could be.  You really cannot comprehend just how comforting this is.  We felt so alone and unprepared for the end, we were largely left by hospital staff for his last few hours and felt quite vulnerable with regards to whether he required top up medication (it was left too late for driver to be put in place) and even when we did seek guidance from nursing staff it often took over half an hour for medication to be administered!

Hopefully in time we all can filter out the bad and remember all the good about our loved ones!

Hi Diana,

I completely empathize with what you went through.  Three weeks ago I lost my lovely father to cancer and like you never appreciated just how traumatic the end could actually be.  Any other family members i have been with when they passed were significantly more peaceful.  I have been trying so soo hard to push the last images i have into a wee box far away from my day to day thoughts but at times it can become overwhelming.  I also put my fathers death down to the fact it was brain mets and we could literally see his brain shutting down in front of us after a series of seizures. 

Laura thank you so much for replying with explanations as to what the physical signs could be.  You really cannot comprehend just how comforting this is.  We felt so alone and unprepared for the end, we were largely left by hospital staff for his last few hours and felt quite vulnerable with regards to whether he required top up medication (it was left too late for driver to be put in place) and even when we did seek guidance from nursing staff it often took over half an hour for medication to be administered!

Hopefully in time we all can filter out the bad and remember all the good about our loved ones!