Hi,

So, I have seen my mother pass away in front of my eyes on 23rd June at 1.50 AM at the hospice.

She had been in a semi state for almost 11 days. 3 days before she died I tried to have a last conversation with her as she was going into coma. While I was taking my goodbyes she was moaning like a crying sound and was agitated- moving her arms up and legs while her eyes were closed as she could no longer open her eyes.

I gave up on finishing my goodbye as I was trying to calm her down.

Then on the last day she got the death rattle, so I decided to stay over the night. I was by myself and terrified of what was coming as my mother has been everything for me( I am 30, she was 56). 4-5 hours before dying, she started suffocating in front of me and her body was in convulsions,her chest going up and down on the bed.I quickly called the night nurse who gave her Morphine to allow her breathing to relax. 10 minutes later she started having a 2nd episode so I called the nurse again. My mother was barely breathing and tears were coming down her cheeks. While giving her more Morphine, even the nurse was tearing at her sight. I was terrified this will happen every 10 minutes but fortunately she was okay for almost 3 and a half hours. Her breathing started to change in a more rapid state then, and I called the nurse so we can administer the morphine before another suffocation episode.The moment she got there with the injection she stopped and said 'She's going'. I looked at my mother and she was trying to open her eyes a bit while again tearing down and moaning.It took 5 minutes of me calming her down until she died in my arms. I was terrified and thought that the dying is a lot more peaceful than that , but to my surpise it was soooo hard to witness. Now I can't stop re playing those last images out of my mind. How do people cope with that? I keep on question if she was in pain, why was she crying , did she hear me,did it hurt when she was suffocating, what was she thinking?