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Grief getting harder

JenM
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Hello everyone,

 

I'm Jennifer and I'm 30. I have two kids 8 & 2 and I lost my mom on the 4th of April.

She was 66 and diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer 1 year before she died. She fought so so hard. I took her to every appointment, chemo, radiotherapy etc. Cared for her, worked full time from home etc.

We were best friends, I could tell her anything. Her loss is one of absolute gut wrenching pain. I cannot believe I've lost her. Although she suffered so badly she kept going.

 

I just wasn't prepared. I don't think you can ever prepare. My little girl is 8 and is in alot of pain missing her Nana as they were beyond close. It's torn my family apart losing her and although my kids keep me going there are some days I wish I could lay in bed and just cry. 

Everything hurts. I think of her all day long. Try to imagine the advice she would give me or what she would tell me.

 

The one time I need her more than ever she can't help me through this. I depended on her slot emotionally and I've realised that. If I was happy or sad I called my mom. She always had this calming effect and could always on a bad day let me see the bigger picture and a cuddle from her alone made it all feel okay.

 

I feel so robbed. I only turned 30 and I feel I needed her for longer. My toddler is devestated too. Hes looking for her all the time. It's so painful. My fiance and her were also incredibly close so he is driving badly too. It's like a big huge ball of grief going on.

 

I know I have to go through it but at the same time I'm exhausted, I'm exhausted from grief. It's wearing me out. I returned to work last week on just two days to see how I got on. While ts good for me as soon at I finish I sit in my car and car before I get home to my kids.

 

How do people do this? My lovely kids are keeping me going but right now I feel broken. I don't feel like me anymore. The world as I knew it has gone, it's different and I am different. I'm questioning my faith. I always believed in after life and since my mom has left me I feel I can't believe that anymore. 

 

Anyone relate to what I'm saying? 

 

Thank you x

 

 

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    Wow it's like you are inside my head . I lost my mum And best pal 9 days ago . I cared for my mum like you going to all Appts with her being with her through chemo and radiation I spend all Day every day with my mum while holding down a full time job . My mum Was /is my best pal. I lost my dad when I was 11 so mum became both mum and dad . Now my beautiful mum who was only 63 is gone . I'm completely lost I am on my own with no kids so life as I knew it is gone and I don't know how to move forward xx

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    Hi Jen,

    I am so sorry for your loss and I cant actually believe I am in the situation whereby these forums have become part of my life, it still seems as though this all isn't real. I lost my beautiful mummy in March this year. She's just the world to me, when she was diagnosed last year me and my family moved in with her and my dad for support and to avoid the possibility of covid keeping us apart. I was with her every step of the way but still beat myself up for not doing enough.

    I literally have her in my head all day everyday and my little girl misses her dearly so talks about her at every opportunity. I am also pregnant and although grateful for my blessings just feel so scared and lost without my confidant. I just feel like I am in a bubble and my whole life is in limbo!

    My hardworking, lively, hilarious little mummy, how do I navigate through life from here without you.

    Please may they continue to give us the strength to keep going.

    Take care x

  • Offline in reply to Suzi15

    I am in the same boat. I am 39 and I lost my mum to advanced breast cancer in May. She was 64 and her cancer returned two years ago, we all thought it was being managed and that she'd be around for much longer. I really wanted my children to have a grandmother's love. 

    I have two young kids, one is 4 and a half and the other is 1. my daughter absolutely loved her grandma and she loved her back. My mum loved being a grandmother and really didn't want to die and leave us. Today I am a mess for some reason. I think about my mum all day every day, I used to call her every day with the kids, and it feels like now I have no one even though I have two sisters. I don't know how people do this either. I watched my mum deteriorate so quickly over the last 3 months of her life. I live in 2 hours away from her, but we have spent the last 4 months driving down every weekend and spending as much as we could with her. for the last month I have been at my parents more than my home and my husband was looking after my daughter. My daughter has since started holding in her poop and I wonder if this is all related. My marriage has also suffered as we have just been in survival mode these past few months. I just don’t have the energy to work on my relationship as I feel so broken. But I will try as I have too. My husband lost his mother in December just gone so we've been through the mill this year.

    I returned to work last week and I struggle to concentrate, I work from home though so that helps at least. 

    I have to keep going for the children, but I just feel so sad/low all the time. I cry nearly every day although not all day. It’s just so hard, I keep thinking why her, why did I have to lose my mum. I thought I was prepared for this given her diagnosis, but it doesn't feel like it. People keep asking if I am ok, and I say I am as it’s just easier then actually telling them that I'm not. I am not ok, my marriage is not ok, but my kids are beautiful and that keeps me going. I am exhasuted too, from everything, the grief, the lack of sleep, from having to travel to my parents every weekend just to see my dad and so he can see his grandchildren as they are the only ones who can make him smile now. 

    I just hope that the pain eases one day

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    Hi Jennifer, I am so sorry for your loss. Your mum sounds like an incredible person and it sounds like you had a wonderful relationship. Your loss is still so new and it is completely natural to feel the way you do. I am coming up to the 2 year anniversary of my dad dying ( he died a month after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer) and I still miss him every single day. The first 6 months I personally found I was still in shock and trauma mode and not even beginning to grieve. That trauma is gone now but I would say it's only now I'm beginning to work through the actual grief. When we lose someone we love our whole world changes and yet the world goes on the same. As you say you question things - how can life be fair if bad things happen to good people etc? All of these feelings and thoughts are completely normal. Please be kind to yourself. Your feelings and emotions will be completely all over the place. Grief is absolutely horrendous and takes a toll mentally and physically. I would say further down the line it is helpful to do therapy or Counselling but as my GP said when I asked her a month after dad dying - there's no quick fix for grief. I went to her because I was like you, exhausted, in a brain fog the whole time. I felt like I was sleep walking through each day, I wouldn't remember how I got to the office. You can't rush through this stage though hard as it it. Take it as easy as you can and we are always here if you need advice or to chat.  

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