Hello everyone,

I'm Jennifer and I'm 30. I have two kids 8 & 2 and I lost my mom on the 4th of April.

She was 66 and diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer 1 year before she died. She fought so so hard. I took her to every appointment, chemo, radiotherapy etc. Cared for her, worked full time from home etc.

We were best friends, I could tell her anything. Her loss is one of absolute gut wrenching pain. I cannot believe I've lost her. Although she suffered so badly she kept going.

I just wasn't prepared. I don't think you can ever prepare. My little girl is 8 and is in alot of pain missing her Nana as they were beyond close. It's torn my family apart losing her and although my kids keep me going there are some days I wish I could lay in bed and just cry. 

Everything hurts. I think of her all day long. Try to imagine the advice she would give me or what she would tell me.

The one time I need her more than ever she can't help me through this. I depended on her slot emotionally and I've realised that. If I was happy or sad I called my mom. She always had this calming effect and could always on a bad day let me see the bigger picture and a cuddle from her alone made it all feel okay.

I feel so robbed. I only turned 30 and I feel I needed her for longer. My toddler is devestated too. Hes looking for her all the time. It's so painful. My fiance and her were also incredibly close so he is driving badly too. It's like a big huge ball of grief going on.

I know I have to go through it but at the same time I'm exhausted, I'm exhausted from grief. It's wearing me out. I returned to work last week on just two days to see how I got on. While ts good for me as soon at I finish I sit in my car and car before I get home to my kids.

How do people do this? My lovely kids are keeping me going but right now I feel broken. I don't feel like me anymore. The world as I knew it has gone, it's different and I am different. I'm questioning my faith. I always believed in after life and since my mom has left me I feel I can't believe that anymore. 

Anyone relate to what I'm saying? 

Thank you x