Mum died 6 months ago... the pain feels worse

Hi everyone, 

It's been a period like no other. A time of reflection, recovering and the hope that things would calm down, or even get easier. Unfortunately that hasn't, and my hope that I would feel stronger and more composed is diminishing. 

I lost my Mum 6 months ago now, from stage 4 breast cancer. It was the 4th time she had it, and passed away after 9 months from what was her final diagnosis. 

I posted a couple of times here after she died, and the day after her funeral, thinking those 2 events would carry the most pain of losing Mum. After 6 months of her passing, I'm feeling worse about it, despite counselling and support (which has helped and has been effeftive from managing psychologically, but I still feel this pain every day). 

I have been told that it gets easier, that the raw feeling eases and you learn to look back at the good times and smile at pictures, but since then, key events have passed like Christmas, Mother's Day and my Birthday. These events have been incredibly hard to cope with, as it's a reality that Mum is no longer here. I was crying for most of the morning on my birthday as it was the first time I never had a text or card from Mum, nor would I have done again. What would have been my Mum's 70th birthday is approaching, and I know that day will again be harder than ever. 

I'm in my early 30s and I'm struggling to cope with the feeling that I'll live for over half of my life without my Mum in it. It's starting to feel so real now. Perhaps I was in such shock when she passed away that it has only sinked in now? Or perhaps it's that I see my Dad more and more turn into a quieter, more reserved man due to the pain of losing his wife of 50 years. 

I would like to hear stories, advice or thoughts around grief 6 months on. Please share, it's a very lonely time. 

Thank you. 

Parents
  • Benmore1 sorry to hear about the passing of your mum and 70 is young in this day and age. My Mam had just gone 71 and passed away 13 days after being diagnosed with oesophageal cancer.. Then the funeral happens and you wonder how the world is still turning because you are hurting so much but it does. Mam passed away 3 years ago this August and it still feels like yesterday. I do try and think  of happy memories and funny things that have happened over the years but can easily switch to her last days. 6 months is no time at all and you will have days when you won't think about your Mum and others when you can't think about anything else and it's very normal. There's no time frame for grief and its a lot to process. You may find that you have a lovely dream where you see your Mum and she's well and that does give you some comfort. I had one particular dream where I was stood in a room with people I didn't recongnise and as I looked around I spotted my Mam stood in a corner wearing a white fluffy trouser suit. I asked all the people if they could see her too and they all said no so I walked over to Mam and prodded her and she told me off I gave her a massive hug and felt such a feeling of relief it felt so real.Sorry I can't offer advice of how to cope with grief just remember there's no time frame.

    xx

Reply
  • Benmore1 sorry to hear about the passing of your mum and 70 is young in this day and age. My Mam had just gone 71 and passed away 13 days after being diagnosed with oesophageal cancer.. Then the funeral happens and you wonder how the world is still turning because you are hurting so much but it does. Mam passed away 3 years ago this August and it still feels like yesterday. I do try and think  of happy memories and funny things that have happened over the years but can easily switch to her last days. 6 months is no time at all and you will have days when you won't think about your Mum and others when you can't think about anything else and it's very normal. There's no time frame for grief and its a lot to process. You may find that you have a lovely dream where you see your Mum and she's well and that does give you some comfort. I had one particular dream where I was stood in a room with people I didn't recongnise and as I looked around I spotted my Mam stood in a corner wearing a white fluffy trouser suit. I asked all the people if they could see her too and they all said no so I walked over to Mam and prodded her and she told me off I gave her a massive hug and felt such a feeling of relief it felt so real.Sorry I can't offer advice of how to cope with grief just remember there's no time frame.

    xx

Children
  • Thank you for the kind message Metalbird. I'm very sorry to hear about your Mam, and how sudden that was. Early 70's is indeed too young in this day and age. I agree that the funeral happens so quickly but you almost don't have time to over think how much pain you're in as there is so much to do and get through everything that it is too overwhelming to think properly. 
     

    On the grand scheme of things, I now understand the new perspective that it's not so simple that "time heels all" when it comes to somebody's Mum (or Dad) passing away. The fact it feels like yesterday for you proves that. I also think of her final few months, she battled cancer in intervals throughout nearly 20 years, but 2020 was a whole other battle... secondary, during a pandemic, she lost all hope and she was so unhappy for the best part of 8 months before she passed. The last time I saw her really happy for Christmas 2019, and sometimes I feel we lost the happy woman we all remembered for over a year now, even though she passed 6 months ago. 
     

    I also dream about her often, my favourite ones are we are just doing normal things, like walking on a beach or having dinner. Just regular things, that I wish I cherished the little things more when they really happened. Though I am realistic that those thoughts are normal and always challenged when emotions are so raw. 
     

    I read some nice advice today where someone recommended making as many memorials as possible. Using quotes, photos, sentimental locations etc. It's a way of feeling connected which is the most comforting action possible, which I liked. 
     

    thank you again for the kind words, I now accept there is no time frame. I just want to feel like I can celebrate her life, as opposed to me falling into dark holes.