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Mum died 6 months ago... the pain feels worse

Benmore1
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Hi everyone, 

It's been a period like no other. A time of reflection, recovering and the hope that things would calm down, or even get easier. Unfortunately that hasn't, and my hope that I would feel stronger and more composed is diminishing. 

I lost my Mum 6 months ago now, from stage 4 breast cancer. It was the 4th time she had it, and passed away after 9 months from what was her final diagnosis. 

I posted a couple of times here after she died, and the day after her funeral, thinking those 2 events would carry the most pain of losing Mum. After 6 months of her passing, I'm feeling worse about it, despite counselling and support (which has helped and has been effeftive from managing psychologically, but I still feel this pain every day). 

I have been told that it gets easier, that the raw feeling eases and you learn to look back at the good times and smile at pictures, but since then, key events have passed like Christmas, Mother's Day and my Birthday. These events have been incredibly hard to cope with, as it's a reality that Mum is no longer here. I was crying for most of the morning on my birthday as it was the first time I never had a text or card from Mum, nor would I have done again. What would have been my Mum's 70th birthday is approaching, and I know that day will again be harder than ever. 

I'm in my early 30s and I'm struggling to cope with the feeling that I'll live for over half of my life without my Mum in it. It's starting to feel so real now. Perhaps I was in such shock when she passed away that it has only sinked in now? Or perhaps it's that I see my Dad more and more turn into a quieter, more reserved man due to the pain of losing his wife of 50 years. 

I would like to hear stories, advice or thoughts around grief 6 months on. Please share, it's a very lonely time. 

Thank you. 

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    I often wonder why my wife was signalled out to suffer so many illnesses and awful pain. she was a cathololic she always did the right thing. People often say they wouldn't hurt a fly. that sentiment is exactly what my wife was. she would catch a fly and release it outside, it was the same with creepy crawlies.

    she never swore, and often told me off for swearing like a trooper, telling me I'll never go to heaven, I'm not going through all  her problems she has had to endure in life, other than her final end was a very painfull passing from aggressive cancer Last July, from the time it was found, it took her away from me, 6 weeks later. My point is, that hurt I'm feeling 9 months on is still with me like it was yesterday. But who knows what is round the corner for me. as I'm now having my own battle against Liver cancer. And if my wife is in heaven waiting at the gates, making sure I'm not let in, because I'd have everybody swear like a trooper. LOL. she hated it.

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    Benmore1 sorry to hear about the passing of your mum and 70 is young in this day and age. My Mam had just gone 71 and passed away 13 days after being diagnosed with oesophageal cancer.. Then the funeral happens and you wonder how the world is still turning because you are hurting so much but it does. Mam passed away 3 years ago this August and it still feels like yesterday. I do try and think  of happy memories and funny things that have happened over the years but can easily switch to her last days. 6 months is no time at all and you will have days when you won't think about your Mum and others when you can't think about anything else and it's very normal. There's no time frame for grief and its a lot to process. You may find that you have a lovely dream where you see your Mum and she's well and that does give you some comfort. I had one particular dream where I was stood in a room with people I didn't recongnise and as I looked around I spotted my Mam stood in a corner wearing a white fluffy trouser suit. I asked all the people if they could see her too and they all said no so I walked over to Mam and prodded her and she told me off I gave her a massive hug and felt such a feeling of relief it felt so real.Sorry I can't offer advice of how to cope with grief just remember there's no time frame.

    xx

  • Offline in reply to Metalbird

    Thank you for the kind message Metalbird. I'm very sorry to hear about your Mam, and how sudden that was. Early 70's is indeed too young in this day and age. I agree that the funeral happens so quickly but you almost don't have time to over think how much pain you're in as there is so much to do and get through everything that it is too overwhelming to think properly. 
     

    On the grand scheme of things, I now understand the new perspective that it's not so simple that "time heels all" when it comes to somebody's Mum (or Dad) passing away. The fact it feels like yesterday for you proves that. I also think of her final few months, she battled cancer in intervals throughout nearly 20 years, but 2020 was a whole other battle... secondary, during a pandemic, she lost all hope and she was so unhappy for the best part of 8 months before she passed. The last time I saw her really happy for Christmas 2019, and sometimes I feel we lost the happy woman we all remembered for over a year now, even though she passed 6 months ago. 
     

    I also dream about her often, my favourite ones are we are just doing normal things, like walking on a beach or having dinner. Just regular things, that I wish I cherished the little things more when they really happened. Though I am realistic that those thoughts are normal and always challenged when emotions are so raw. 
     

    I read some nice advice today where someone recommended making as many memorials as possible. Using quotes, photos, sentimental locations etc. It's a way of feeling connected which is the most comforting action possible, which I liked. 
     

    thank you again for the kind words, I now accept there is no time frame. I just want to feel like I can celebrate her life, as opposed to me falling into dark holes. 

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    I lost my mum 4 years ago to kidney cancer she died only 10 weeks after diagnosis and it was a massive shock. We had been led to believe she may have 2 years left. I was so in shock I don't think I started grieving properly until months after losing her. Shock and disbelief overwhelmed me and then after a few months I cried and cried and couldn't stop. The first and second Mothers Day's,birthdays and Xmas were awful. I still think about my mum everyday but I can cope now with the loss and except it rather than get over it. Unfortunately I myself have stage 4 kidney cancer like my mum so got my own battle...and without my mum 
     

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    I was Googling the same sort of feelings when I came across this message. It resonates so strongly with how I'm feeling. I'm 28 and I lost my mum in August to stage 4 stomach cancer which was misdiagnosed for years and years as being an intolerance to certain foods. Just as she got the all clear last may, we were then told a couple of weeks later that actually it was terminal and had spread to her liver, stomach lining and ovaries. 
     

    7 months on and I'm so heartbroken, more than I was when it first happens, which sounds odd but I think like you say in your message, it was probably shock. I really miss her and as the days get warmer, this is the time of year I would spend with her and family the most. I've not seen anyone for counselling as I'm not sure what it would achieve? It's good to cry though and talk to people that have been through the same thing x

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