Hi, 

Thinking of you and your children. I lost my husband to testicular cancer on 2nd Jan after an almost 2 year fight. He was 41. We also have 2 children - 2 girls aged 11 and 7. Still feel almost numb at the minute and want to feel him with me like he promised he'd be, but I just don't yet. Praying I will one day as need to know he's there and that one day I'll be back with him. Got his funeral to come on Wednesday and currently framing a photo for the top of the coffin and noting down eulogy ideas. All feels so surreal. Got to keep going for the girls though. Sure you know that feeling. Best wishes to you and your little ones. 

Hello I know exactly what you're going throughI'm really sorry for your loss cancer is just horrible and obviously it affects The people who are left behind

 I think things will take a long time before we actually understand at all I'm much the same I walk round in limbo kind of like this can't be happening to me she's only popped out to the shop should be back soon but deep down we know what's happened and next time we'll see them as when we are up in heaven  to that's what my nine-year-old says anyway I hope it's true!  
funeral goes well Trust me you don't need to worry about it it's kind of like time stops just for a little while not really to say goodbye just to say that you love them and you had a short life but happy life 

i'm here if you do wanna talk I don't think I've ever met anyone from Newcastle because I'm from Southampton anyway trust me when I say I feel your pain that's without talking about the kids you're also grieving for the children I know I am I know they should have them and maybe it should've been me with the cancer! I love being on this website and I love talking to people sometimes when there is like radio silence I feel like oh my God what am I going to do next but the boys keep me busy

Thanks for the reply, Mike. That's exactly what I said to Phil before he passed away - that I'd only be existing, not living once he'd gone and that's exactly what it feels like. Like I go through the motions of daily life with the kids but almost on autopilot. 

I'm 40 and kids are 11 and 7, so like you say a bit younger. I keep thinking I hope my life isn't too long but know I want to live a long time for the girls if that makes sense.

Can I ask how you went about finding a good medium? It's something I'd like to do when things feel a bit less raw as really want that reassurance that he's definitely there and waiting for me. Keep asking him for signs but it doesn't happen much really. He promised he'd be on my shoulder but feel empty mostly. 

Thanks again for replying, Mike. It's good for us to hear what it's like further down the line. 

Hi mike  Chris, here I'm just about ok  or best I can be! you give me hope about the future  (well a little bit maybe)   I think  about my wife walking in the front door  or  taking a shower leaving clothes all over the floor  me picking when all up! All the time and if it's like that  one year pluss in the future ( what hope do I have)  I guess it's  my children  that will help?  I want to go to a medium but if I get nothing that will hurt so much !but I have to try right? Sent to the wrong person again hope you read this mike 

hope your ok jo I went to the beach again had a nice talk with the wife 

Ah that's lovely that you've been to the beach. I will do that again soon. Went to the park yesterday but prefer the beach. There's something about the sea. It settles me and so many of my favourite memories with Phil are of time there. 

I've got the same concern about a medium. That if they were rubbish I'd come away feeling worse. Just want to feel reassured that he's ok and waiting for me, then I think I'll manage to live out my life here, knowing we'll be together again if that makes sense? 

That makes total sense that's exactly how I feel if I knew somehow that she is safe and she is waiting for me and I would definitely go back to her that's ok asI'm bringing my boys up I'm coming back home to you! But I guess it's not knowing? I guess in time I have to try the medium because if I don't is even the thought that is in my head something that my wife is trying to say to me who knows? And I if I get nothing from a medium that only hurts me and I can think I tried martyne or do I try another medium and start all over again it's just a vicious circle? The beach seems to be My only escape it's so hard because we used to go there all the time and we love the beach like you said the water calms me down! But at the same time I'm watching all the other families together mummy daddy kids and I want that more than anything I just can't get it again if my wife is with me I guess that's fine but what I really really really want is just everything back to the way it used to be! Asked getting up in the morning fighting who is going to get in the shower firstSometimes we both get in the shower properly just to annoy each other more than anything else and will be like what shall we do today is a sunny day let's go and get an ice cream on the beach and to be honest that was pretty much her life most Saturdays and Sundays maybe we get a takeaway put the kids to bed cuddle on the sofa cuddle in bed whatever I just want her back i'm hurting so much and I know you feel exactly the same there's nothing we can do about it i'm sorry!!

How are you feeling hope ok ish this may sound crazy  but im in a happy place trust me me can do this  

I'm ok ish tonight. Got my parents here (glad I'm in a bubble with them) and having a couple of drinks and watching rubbish TV with the kids. No doubt be down again later when everything is quiet and I have to think again. Glad you're in a better place tonight. We will get through it. We have to 

Jo and Chris. I think you are great to go through this with young children, I have 3 sons but they are all adult. The medium I used was called Rose o Driscoll, she is Irish but I think she lives in Canada, I heard her on the radio , looked her up on the internet and emailed her . We did both meeting s over Skype. I was very skeptic at first , but most of the things she said were so true. There is no way she could have known any of it. I definitely believe that there is something after death after the meeting. 
 

Richard I think you are so brave to do a trip to India, I find it very hard going anywhere on my own. 
my wife is Irish, but we lived in uk for most of our married life , in a place called Crowthorne near sandhurst/ Bracknell we moved back to Ireland a few years ago , she died of melanoma. 
 

people said to me that the second year can be harder than the first. I couldn't see how that could be possible, but unfortunately they were right . I don't cry as much , eat and sleep a bit better, but the loneliness and missing her is so painful, I still have that empty feeling in my chest . 
 

I suppose we loved them so much we are bound to feel like this. I read somewhere that grief is the price we pay for love. 
thinking of you all. 
Mike. 

Hi mike your just up the m3  A few junctions I'm in Southampton  I worked in Bracknell  before  for a while I'm a digger driver   After all this COVID  stuff I'd love to meet up Richard is London?  Children get me through don't they jo! I can tell how lonely you must be it's  ok knowing your going back to then one day but we still have to  live  as well 

Hi Chris. , I used to work at Broadmoor hospital in Crowthorne for 25 years took early retirement and moved to Ireland. I still have a son near Bracknell and go back to see him a lot . Next time I am over I would love to meet up with you and Richard. It is nice to get to know you all , but unfortunate it has to be under theses circumstances. 
Winnie and I used to go down to Southampton a lot . We also went to Portsmouth a lot and went around the historic dockyard , I was posted ther when I was in the navy. A lovely part of the country. 
 

I now live on an island of the south west coast of Ireland. 

Ok mate that would be great to meet one day I hope you're ok  I'm sorry about your wife it's so sad  wish we never had to meet like his  like you  said. On here I have met so many people  who are my true friends now they understand my pain  

Ok mate that would be great to meet one day I hope you're ok  I'm sorry about your wife it's so sad  wish we never had to meet like his  like you  said. On here I have met so many people  who are my true friends now they understand my pain