Hi, 

Thinking of you and your children. I lost my husband to testicular cancer on 2nd Jan after an almost 2 year fight. He was 41. We also have 2 children - 2 girls aged 11 and 7. Still feel almost numb at the minute and want to feel him with me like he promised he'd be, but I just don't yet. Praying I will one day as need to know he's there and that one day I'll be back with him. Got his funeral to come on Wednesday and currently framing a photo for the top of the coffin and noting down eulogy ideas. All feels so surreal. Got to keep going for the girls though. Sure you know that feeling. Best wishes to you and your little ones. 

Hello I know exactly what you're going throughI'm really sorry for your loss cancer is just horrible and obviously it affects The people who are left behind

 I think things will take a long time before we actually understand at all I'm much the same I walk round in limbo kind of like this can't be happening to me she's only popped out to the shop should be back soon but deep down we know what's happened and next time we'll see them as when we are up in heaven  to that's what my nine-year-old says anyway I hope it's true!  
funeral goes well Trust me you don't need to worry about it it's kind of like time stops just for a little while not really to say goodbye just to say that you love them and you had a short life but happy life 

i'm here if you do wanna talk I don't think I've ever met anyone from Newcastle because I'm from Southampton anyway trust me when I say I feel your pain that's without talking about the kids you're also grieving for the children I know I am I know they should have them and maybe it should've been me with the cancer! I love being on this website and I love talking to people sometimes when there is like radio silence I feel like oh my God what am I going to do next but the boys keep me busy

 My wife died exactly a month ago yesterday so I've done over a month  with out her! I can't go on without her I just can't do this anymore The thought of doing it for 40 years is killing me 

hope you ok ? 

My wife died exactly a month ago yesterdaySo I've done over a month and the thought of doing 40 years plus with her is killing me  I don't think I can do this  hope your ok?

Bless you. It's so hard. It was a month yesterday since we were told he only had weeks. It's 3 weeks since we lost him today and it feels like so long already. Like you say, when you think of so many years ahead it's just so hard. I'm trying not to think too far ahead for now. It's so difficult though. Some days I just think what's the point in even getting up or showered or whatever. I do it but can't even see why I am bothering. Feels like my world is shattered and yet I'm still doing all of the routine stuff. Hope you and the boys are OK.

Hi all it's Mike again , thank you for your kind reply's, it means a lot . You are all at such early days. And it is not easy to get your head around it. Like I said before it has been just over 18 months since my wife died , the pain does get a little easier, but never goes completely. I still can't believe that she will never walk in the door or sit on the couch watching tv with me. I went to a medium a couple of times and the things she told me were unbelievable, so I sincerely believe we will meet up again ( that's the only thing keeping me going). By the sounds of things you all must be a good bit younger than me , I am 66. So hopefully it won't be that long till I join her. I miss her every second of every day. To me this isn't living it's just existing till we meet again. Hope you all have a good a day as you can. 
Mike. 

Thanks for the reply, Mike. That's exactly what I said to Phil before he passed away - that I'd only be existing, not living once he'd gone and that's exactly what it feels like. Like I go through the motions of daily life with the kids but almost on autopilot. 

I'm 40 and kids are 11 and 7, so like you say a bit younger. I keep thinking I hope my life isn't too long but know I want to live a long time for the girls if that makes sense.

Can I ask how you went about finding a good medium? It's something I'd like to do when things feel a bit less raw as really want that reassurance that he's definitely there and waiting for me. Keep asking him for signs but it doesn't happen much really. He promised he'd be on my shoulder but feel empty mostly. 

Thanks again for replying, Mike. It's good for us to hear what it's like further down the line. 

Hi mike  Chris, here I'm just about ok  or best I can be! you give me hope about the future  (well a little bit maybe)   I think  about my wife walking in the front door  or  taking a shower leaving clothes all over the floor  me picking when all up! All the time and if it's like that  one year pluss in the future ( what hope do I have)  I guess it's  my children  that will help?  I want to go to a medium but if I get nothing that will hurt so much !but I have to try right? Sent to the wrong person again hope you read this mike 

hope your ok jo I went to the beach again had a nice talk with the wife 

Ah that's lovely that you've been to the beach. I will do that again soon. Went to the park yesterday but prefer the beach. There's something about the sea. It settles me and so many of my favourite memories with Phil are of time there. 

I've got the same concern about a medium. That if they were rubbish I'd come away feeling worse. Just want to feel reassured that he's ok and waiting for me, then I think I'll manage to live out my life here, knowing we'll be together again if that makes sense? 

That makes total sense that's exactly how I feel if I knew somehow that she is safe and she is waiting for me and I would definitely go back to her that's ok asI'm bringing my boys up I'm coming back home to you! But I guess it's not knowing? I guess in time I have to try the medium because if I don't is even the thought that is in my head something that my wife is trying to say to me who knows? And I if I get nothing from a medium that only hurts me and I can think I tried martyne or do I try another medium and start all over again it's just a vicious circle? The beach seems to be My only escape it's so hard because we used to go there all the time and we love the beach like you said the water calms me down! But at the same time I'm watching all the other families together mummy daddy kids and I want that more than anything I just can't get it again if my wife is with me I guess that's fine but what I really really really want is just everything back to the way it used to be! Asked getting up in the morning fighting who is going to get in the shower firstSometimes we both get in the shower properly just to annoy each other more than anything else and will be like what shall we do today is a sunny day let's go and get an ice cream on the beach and to be honest that was pretty much her life most Saturdays and Sundays maybe we get a takeaway put the kids to bed cuddle on the sofa cuddle in bed whatever I just want her back i'm hurting so much and I know you feel exactly the same there's nothing we can do about it i'm sorry!!

How are you feeling hope ok ish this may sound crazy  but im in a happy place trust me me can do this  

I'm ok ish tonight. Got my parents here (glad I'm in a bubble with them) and having a couple of drinks and watching rubbish TV with the kids. No doubt be down again later when everything is quiet and I have to think again. Glad you're in a better place tonight. We will get through it. We have to 

I'm ok ish tonight. Got my parents here (glad I'm in a bubble with them) and having a couple of drinks and watching rubbish TV with the kids. No doubt be down again later when everything is quiet and I have to think again. Glad you're in a better place tonight. We will get through it. We have to 

Are you ok? I've missed talking to you 

Hi Chris,

I'm ok, just didn't get up till really late today. Stayed up talking to a friend on the phone till about 3am. Was someone I'd not spoken to for a while so it was nice to hear from her. 

Having quite a down day today. Just missing him and feels like every day is the same here without anything to really look forward to. 

How are you and the boys doing? 

How has your day been today? Watching dancing on ice with the girls. Before covid they used to skate 3 times a week and Phil used to be so proud watching them practise and do shows. It's bittersweet watching it as makes me think of happy times but so sad he'll never see them skate again. 

Hope your day has been ok.

Hi, how are you doing? I'm just sitting watching telly at daft o'clock as can't sleep. Been a strange day. Cried quite a bit. 

Hope you and the boys are doing ok. 

Hello I'm not doing that well  I've not been eating  felt like crap yesterday  there is nothing left inside me   My body is still trying to do all the normal stuff like going to the toilet  but there is nothing left inside me ( not good)  sorry you're having a bad day yesterday we will be okay 

Ah bless you, that's so hard when you can't face eating. I was like that when Phil was ill but strangely eating better now. Think it was the anxiety of what might happen that used to get to me. Lost about 3 stone since the first lockdown. I needed to though so it's OK. It's hard though to make yourself eat when you really don't feel like it. Hope you manage to have a little bit of something today. I used to manage rice crispies or plain toast when I was at my worst food wise. 

Just had to ring Phil's work to look into his pension etc. Felt awful. Like mercenary if you know what I mean? Ended up crying to the poor woman on the phone. 

 Poor you trying to sort it all out I feel your pain talking about pensions is never easy after losing a loved one ! My mum is helping today is I can hardly move  hurt my back to!  Then feel really guilty as my wife was in constant pain still managed to look after the kids .I miss her so much 

Ouch, sounds sore. I've woken up with a sore neck today as well. Got the votarol on like an old nanna. 

Doing home school stuff with Hannah. It's like pulling teeth. Phil was much more patient with her. I'm patient with the kids I teach but find it far harder with my own two. Know that sounds daft! 

Hope you feel better soon. I'd recommend the voltarol if you can get some. Definitely helps. 

I'm ok back getting better I felt so selfish earlier as I was in loads of pain but my wife was probably in Even more pain ? A few days ago o was ok  ish felt martyne was ever were  I few days on now I feel like I can't feel her?  Being sick didn't help she is the best person you could want if you're feeling poorly. How do I/ we get over this  It's doing my head in that no one understands only people on this page and to understand what a loss means 

So hard, isn't it? Phil used to be lush when I was poorly. Always there with a hug, a hot water bottle and a cuppa. Miss him so much. 

Know what you mean about sometimes feeling like they're there and sometimes not. I'm the same. Some days I'm convinced he's with me then other days I just feel empty again. 

We'll get through though, for the kids.