I lost my wife to cancer recently and I have never felt so alone. I am experiencing all kinds of extreme emotions from grief to guilt. I really want to connect and talk to others who have been through this terrible period.
I'm having a near on impossible day today have no idea how I'm going to get through this I seem to miss her more and more each day and I realise that half the photos and stuff we shared only she knew the password to get into on the computers I guess that's another way I took her for granted and I guess even though she had cancer I always thought she was going to live forever like me. Now it's children time where do I start I promise to look after them! But there is a massive part of that just wants to be with her to! Things going round in my head like maybe I should put them into care And do the obvious thing which is go to my wife! Then I think about what she say to me she's probably hate me. So I cuddle them and get through another day it so f ing hard I never signed up to any of this It's horrible need a way out without hurting my children which is impossible!! My nine-year-old is brillianthe keeps saying you will see mummy again definitely when it's your turn to die lovely to hear 40 odd years. Even though I'm writing this I can feel it in my head saying you can do this I just can't stop crying x
I know exactly how you are feeling believe me - right now I would welcome death with open arms. I guess it is the nature of such a devastating loss you feel like you have died inside and nothing can prepare you for this. It hit me only when I saw the final breath disappear - only then I knew there was no hope. I realised that up until that point I never accepted this was happening - never could confront it all. I felt that a miracle could still happen. Like you the days since the funeral have been awful. The idea that her physical body has now totally gone.
I think that it is a terrible mechanism of the mind which cannot be avoided. We both believed in past lives and that we come back but also with that comes the acceptance that once death comes it restimulates all the earlier times we lost someone and therefore comes overwhelming mental pain and anguish. I don't personally believe that 'time' will heal it but I do think that over time the mind will create mental shields to block out the pain and reduce it's power. Talking it all through also helps massively as it can take the edge off it and helps us to understand these terrible feelings. I suppose somehow we either lock the 'tiger' in the cupboard or face it head on (therapy).
Somehow we have to move on and keep their memories alive - maybe even do something positive with our lives in honour of them.
If it had been the other way round and Rossella had lived I know I would want her to live her life and not to join me so soon. I would want this because of the love I had for her.
It is not our time yet but I know it is bloody difficult.
Hope this helps a bit mate (it has helped me just writing this down).
It dose help it helps me so much!I don't wanna look a tiger in the cupboard I want to face the tiger head on the only way I feel I could get through this at the moment I seem to be going day by day and hiding the tiger in the cupboard But when I feel strong enough I guess I'm ready to fight it head-on Have no idea how I'm going to do that what that really means does it mean that I've totally excepted that my wife has a go on and never coming back does it mean I will definitely see her again who knows but is you all no we must be at the lowest point so in theory the only way is up The hardest thing is my mood swings a change every hour I'm up and down that's the first thing I need to get my head around x
Yes mate we went on a night time walk looking for stars we found 1 that mummy said my oldest Felt lovely that she is up so high looking over us always! Even though I'm writing this there is something inside me saying it can't be mummy I can't be my wife she is at the shop or on holiday and will be home soon ( crazy I guess)
I keep expecting to see her in the next room or hear her singing for me as I put the key in the door to come in. Like she is just at the end of my fingertips - almost in my grasp.
That's so me I'm the same . In my head at this very moment it's you can't be gone that's not possible all I want is a cuddle a kiss to hold you shower together like we used to see you naked again Sex shopping together doing absolutely everything together now gone all gone but spiritually I know she still with me which is something just not what I want I want my living breathing life cancer free x
What a long long day. I don't think that I have ever known time to pass so very slowly as it has since my husband died. I've tried so hard to keep busy, I've been for two long walks today , over 18,000 steps and yet when I came home there were still so many hours of the day left to fill. Caring for my husband when he became ill was my 'job', it was what I did, it took all my time but I was glad to do it, to look after him - but what do I do now? I don't know what to do.I could never have imagined that it would be possible to miss someone so much. People try to be kind and supportive but only the people writing here now know what this really feels like - and we all know that it is simply a nightmare. It took me so long to find my soulmate. We were together for 18 years but only married last year in April during lockdown . We were granted a special licence for the ceremony. And we didn't even make it to our first wedding anniversary. I read somewhere today that it can take up to 3 or 4 years to even get past this stage of grief- so it seems we are really in for some tough times ahead.
