Hi,

I'm so sorry you are struggling so much, its not fair anyone has to hurt this way. In my experience, it does get better, but not the way you think. Losing them hurts the same, it always will, but what happenes is instead of when you think of them, remembering you lost them, you start to remember that you had them, and your mind tends to default to a smile when you think of them instead of the pain of losing them.

You won't ever forget her face, or what her hugs felt like, or the way she sounded or even smelt, I never have, whether i lost someone years or days ago I have always remembered those important things just as vividly. they are treasures even my subconcious knows are too precious to lose, and so does yours.

My father died 18 years ago today, suddenly after a surprise diagnosis of leukaemia. I was 33 and 6 months pregnant with his first grandchild. I was utterly devastated and 18 years on I still am BUT you learn to remember them without that frightening yearning you felt in the first years. You start to look at photos and remember happy times. I didn't find talking to anyone particularly helpful but I did find crying and allowing myself to feel utter despair helped release the pressure of my grief. I always did this on my own as I think it would have been too traumatic for others to hear. You have to release your feelings. Don't bottle them up. Forget about Christmas and the new year ahead, don't feel you must conform to the festive spirit, that's too much pressure on yourself. Instead cry as much as you need and indulge your sadness, for me that helped me find a way through the despair and the longing. I share your sadness and pain and I'm here for you