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I just cant move on from my mum's death

jezjay
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My fantastic mum died in April of this year, I lived with her and cared for her for the last 5 years of her life, she had breast cancer and got the OK but later it spread to her bones. What I would say to ANYONE, no matter what your relationship is with your mum, to give up everything and go care for your mum in those last years (if you financially can). It was the most rewarding - although physically tiring - experience I have ever had in my life. We grew so much closer and I know that I could never have got those moments back again after she died, so I am SO GLAD she never went into a home or a hospital or a hospice and that she died at home, with me and my daughter by her side. Its what she wanted, this is what she told me she wanted, when she knew she was going to die. So I have no regrets.

The last weeks of her life were heartbreaking, and I will never forget her last 3 breaths as they haunt me so much and how helpless and frantic I felt that I couldn't bring her back to life, feeling her grow colder and just wanting to reverse everything. That was another feeling i was not expecting because a big part of me had already accepted that she was going to die and a big part of me wanted to see her out of pain, in the end I wanted her to die but I didn't want her to die, if that makes any sense.. 

The cancer team never informed me of what to expect at death or the dying process and so I was shocked by some of the things I experienced and it was very traumatic to say the least, I guess they were just there to relieve the pain and administer medication. So I was disappointed in them for the lack of information / preparation which would have been so helpful.

Christmas is just a few weeks away and Im going to take a fold up chair to the grave and have a drink just like we would always do on christmas day, Im going to be with her, to talk to her and let her know how much I miss her. Its going to be so hard, I cant imagine Christmas without mum.

I often get panic attacks just thinking about not being able to speak to her again, the most overwhelming and devastating feeling I have ever experienced, it really is totally unbearable. I guess she was my best friend and my soul mate in so many ways. We used to chat and laugh for hours. So much in common. She was the most wonderful mum anyone could hope to have and she was a very spiritual person too. As the months have gone on, I have got worse and worse and now I cry every day and sometimes for hours. All the things that were lacking in my own life have now become magnified a hundred times, just to add to the burden and pain.. I don't understand why that should happen but it has.

The truth is, I don't think I will ever get over her death, EVER. I can't seem to function properly without her around. She was such a big part of my life. She was so kind and loving and caring and thoughtful and generous. I cant say one bad word about her. I lost my dad and I lost my sister and that was bad, but this is another dimension of grief.

I don't know where to turn or what to say to people or what to do. I keep myself busy but nothing really works. Even being with friends I find so difficult now, I just want MY MUM. I love my mum so much she is a part of my soul. I know shes with me, so many things have happened to show me she is with me. I found a lovely card last week that she wrote me when she was ill to say how grateful she was for my help and how proud of me she was and that she would love me to the end of time. That card is my most treasured possession.

How do people cope over the years, losing their mum? How do they get through? I would be grateful to hear of other people's experiences of how they have got through it. ive read so many posts on here saying similar things, how they cant get over their mum's death. So I know I am not alone.

Jan

  • Offline in reply to Snowpatrol123

    Snowpatrol123

     

    Apologies for such a late reply, im 2 years and 3 months on from mums death and im still finding life hard without her. I dont get that dreadful heart pain that takes the wind out of you any more, i just have a longing for her and a big hole in my life. I have a husband and daughter but they cant replace her. I miss the laughter and closeness. I find myself crying at the slightest thing.

     

    How are you doing? Your story is very sad and your mum snatched away relatively quickly., but she died without pain and without dementia taking a hold and that would have been much worse for you to deal with. I wonder how you are feeling now and if the pain has eased a little? Its never easy to lose a mum, there is nobody in the world like her.

    Love from Jan x

  • Offline in reply to jezjay

    Hi Jan

    thank you for your reply I can't say I'm much better but I try and take it day by day . I still sometimes feel sick and become very agitated but my GP has changed my antidepressant s and they seem to take edge of anxiety . Mums property has been sold so that's a sense of closure and I know my mum worked hard to achieve her purchase of her property in London having returned to work at 50 and purchased her apartment in Camden London under the right to buy . She certainly enjoyed her retirement returning back to ballroom dancing that I know gave her loads of pleasure and forged good friendships . I constantly recall her stories and tales and though my own social life was lacking I felt part of her antics . I read a lot of self help books which helps but as you know grief is very personal and how I look to how I feel are two different things . I almost expect my features to change or age drastically but I still have my happy smiley face that I guess we all have to present to the world . I toy with the idea of part time work but I know in my heart I should invest in finding new friends but it's so difficult when you have little motivation and feel and fear change more but it's something I must pursue as mum was always so proud that I was easy to talk to and have good humour and personality and got on so well with all ages . I'm going to see a spiritualist on the 4 August recommended by a friend I made in Hampshire who highly recommended her. I hope to find some comfort in that my husband is also having a reading though he is a bit septical on such things . It never bothered me that I had few friends while mum was alive as in Social Work you could never make your clients friends and your colleagues having their own caseload and visits you were like ships that passed in the night. I guess now that issues plays on my mind as I am conscious of loss I dwell on what if my partner was not here how would I cope ? But cope is what we do hence the one day at a time approach . Mum would not want me to become a recluse not live a life under a stone . How have things been for you Jan ? It's a tough road isn't it ? Big hugs David xx

  • Offline in reply to jezjay

    I totally agree as a s/w very alarmed at so called professionals involved with my mum including palliative care . They certainly don't answer many questions on the final days etc just curbing it with everyone's journey is different I find that patronising . As some one who has been in health care 20 odd years you can generally assess the persons illness and likely outcome based on many factors and can make a general good call on what one would deem as a peaceful death . They treat people very unprofessionally in not being honest with best case / worst case scanarios that had family be prepared can lesson their own grief and experience . I don't even find McMillan nurses that helpful the whole issue and palliative care and approach to death needs a big shake up and a bit more honesty and transparency to the loved ones left behind 

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    Hi Jan

    I just want to say to you I mirror every single emotion your feeling about the loss of your beautiful Mum..and I'm so sorry for your loss and pain which I'm still experiencing 3 years on from losing my Mother to Colon Cancer and sadly she had Dementia latter part of her life, it was August 2020 when my Mother took her last breath as I sat with my hand in hers and the other on her chest..like you Jan nothing could have prepared me or my 2 sisters for the end process we all went through in the last weeks and days of our Mothers life..we too nursed Mum at home as we had always promised and wanted to do and more so because we didn't want her to have to go into Hospital or Care and we felt no one could care for her the way us 3 daughters could..sadly Mum was born deaf and lip read from a young age so this was another hurdle we had to face everyday and especially when the nurses and palliative care team would arrive on the scene to administer medication with masks on due to covid and like you we never really had that end of life conversation either, everyday was a guessing game!! we didnt know what to expect next! our poor Mother was so confused and in her clarity moments would ask us was she going to be taken away by these strange people wearing masks!! it was heartbreaking, we obviously tried to reassure her we would never leave her and try and explain what was happening only for her to forget 5 minutes later..like you Jan we were very close with our Mother and became even more so in the last 10 years of her life from our Fathers death suddenly at home of a massive Heart Attack, such a loss for Mum as Daddy was her ears throughout her life, she was so dependant on him and us girls stepped up to the mark when he'd gone and had no hesitation in doing so..like you Jan our Mother was our rock and most definitely My Confidante and YES everything she advised me on through tough times in my life, she was RIGHT! If only I had of listened!! As we know Mummys are always Right!!!she seen me through the failed Relationships and watched me going my Selfish ways!! I am now happily married having had 2 failed marriages and my precious Mother only ever wanting to protect me! if only I could have one more day to say im sorry for the stress and trauma I put her through, she was my Rock!..like you Jan I don't think I'll ever get over the loss and I too cry everyday, i get such overwhelming feelings over me and feel I can't cope with life nor want to! My Husband is supportive but unfortunately like you say Jan it doesnt matter how many times we talk it through with others close to us and my Husband trys to listen and find those comforting words to say to me I too feel as well it is just magnifying everything else that I'm not happy about in my life even the most trivial things feel big and everything about life seems meaningless anyway and I feel so bad saying it and not stopping to think I have a loving Family, 2 daughters of my own and 6 healthy Grandchildren around me, I should be appreciating as well as my Faith in the Lord and the Hope of eternal life where someday I will be united with my Mum and Dad again! and yes I do get some comfort from that but then very quickly go back down the road to feeling this terrible despair and panic that there is nothing that can bring my Mummy back!! and consequently thinking about my own demise! I can only describe it like being a child again who just wants her Mummy and no one else or nothing else will do!!

    Sorry Jan, I know I'm not being much comfort to you but if it's any consolation it has helped me to read your story and to know I'm not alone in my depths of despair..and you did bring a smile to my face when you said about the card your Mother wrote you when she was so ill so precious for you to hold onto Jan and as you said another comfort to assure you she is with you in your heart and to the very depths of your sole everyday ️ if there's any comforting words I can share with you and leaving you on a positive note, my Husband would say to me when I cry and feel such despair that:

    "Your Mum is in you" you are an extension of her body and she lives on through you

    He would also say, "Your Mummy wouldn't want you to be sad" like mine Jan your Mum was a Strong and Courageous Woman and so proud to call you her Daughter ️

    Thank you for listening to me Jan and also comforting me in reading your post, knowing that im not alone ... ️BIG HUGS&LOVE to YOU and everyone else posting on this chat line, you will ALL be in my thoughts&prayers. Xxx

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