My fantastic mum died in April of this year, I lived with her and cared for her for the last 5 years of her life, she had breast cancer and got the OK but later it spread to her bones. What I would say to ANYONE, no matter what your relationship is with your mum, to give up everything and go care for your mum in those last years (if you financially can). It was the most rewarding - although physically tiring - experience I have ever had in my life. We grew so much closer and I know that I could never have got those moments back again after she died, so I am SO GLAD she never went into a home or a hospital or a hospice and that she died at home, with me and my daughter by her side. Its what she wanted, this is what she told me she wanted, when she knew she was going to die. So I have no regrets.
The last weeks of her life were heartbreaking, and I will never forget her last 3 breaths as they haunt me so much and how helpless and frantic I felt that I couldn't bring her back to life, feeling her grow colder and just wanting to reverse everything. That was another feeling i was not expecting because a big part of me had already accepted that she was going to die and a big part of me wanted to see her out of pain, in the end I wanted her to die but I didn't want her to die, if that makes any sense..
The cancer team never informed me of what to expect at death or the dying process and so I was shocked by some of the things I experienced and it was very traumatic to say the least, I guess they were just there to relieve the pain and administer medication. So I was disappointed in them for the lack of information / preparation which would have been so helpful.
Christmas is just a few weeks away and Im going to take a fold up chair to the grave and have a drink just like we would always do on christmas day, Im going to be with her, to talk to her and let her know how much I miss her. Its going to be so hard, I cant imagine Christmas without mum.
I often get panic attacks just thinking about not being able to speak to her again, the most overwhelming and devastating feeling I have ever experienced, it really is totally unbearable. I guess she was my best friend and my soul mate in so many ways. We used to chat and laugh for hours. So much in common. She was the most wonderful mum anyone could hope to have and she was a very spiritual person too. As the months have gone on, I have got worse and worse and now I cry every day and sometimes for hours. All the things that were lacking in my own life have now become magnified a hundred times, just to add to the burden and pain.. I don't understand why that should happen but it has.
The truth is, I don't think I will ever get over her death, EVER. I can't seem to function properly without her around. She was such a big part of my life. She was so kind and loving and caring and thoughtful and generous. I cant say one bad word about her. I lost my dad and I lost my sister and that was bad, but this is another dimension of grief.
I don't know where to turn or what to say to people or what to do. I keep myself busy but nothing really works. Even being with friends I find so difficult now, I just want MY MUM. I love my mum so much she is a part of my soul. I know shes with me, so many things have happened to show me she is with me. I found a lovely card last week that she wrote me when she was ill to say how grateful she was for my help and how proud of me she was and that she would love me to the end of time. That card is my most treasured possession.
How do people cope over the years, losing their mum? How do they get through? I would be grateful to hear of other people's experiences of how they have got through it. ive read so many posts on here saying similar things, how they cant get over their mum's death. So I know I am not alone.
Jan
