Hi Jan,

Firstly welcome to Cancer Chat and I'm so sorry to read about your mum. I am sure that sharing your experience here will prove helpful to others using the forum in future, and I also hope it has provided some small help to you to write things down here.

It is good that you were able to spend so much time with your mum - it sounds like you did a lot to care for her.

You are certainly not alone with this and I know there will be many others here who have been through, or are going through, something similar.

Everyone's experience of grief is different and it will feel difficult for a long time, but keep believing that it will feel a little easier in time.

Hopefully you have others you can speak to about this too. This forum is always a safe space too if ever you feel you'd like to write things down or get support from others.

Do also check out organisations such as Cruse if you feel you could do with additional support - they are there to help and can be a good resource. Local counsellors can also be a good outlet too.

Hopefully you will receive further replies here, but if not do browse the forum if you would like to, for other relevant or similar discussions that may also help.

Wishing you all the best,

Ben
Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi Jan, so much of your story echoes mine. I lost my mum to secondary breast cancer in March. Within 3 months of being told that the cancer had spread to her lungs she was gone. It was so unexpected as her oncologist was really positive and told us she could live for several years with chemotherapy and herceptin.

I fell ill in my twenties and although my condition is painful and debilitating it isn't life threatening. It has however left me unable to work and I have no partner or children. I didn't care though as I had my mum who was everything to me. Now I'm so lost. I have a great family around me who have surrounded me with love but I just can't seem to see anything except a future without mum. I miss her so much and I seem to be getting worse instead of better. I'm sorry I can't help you but I wanted you to know that I understand what you're going through. I am not even acknowledging Christmas this year, I'm hoping to sleep through most of it. That's the only thing I want to do these days. I will think of you having a toast to your mum though and I hope you get through it ok. 

I'm so sorry that you lost your mum. If you can, take comfort that you are not alone in your feelings of loss. I hope this Xmas passes you by quickly. Take care.

Star2000, thank you so much for your reply, there is a strange comfort in knowing you are not alone in your struggle with life and im glad you have a wonderful family around you who are helping you as much as they can.

but no one can replace mum and no words or actions from others can help heal the pain. I am exactly like you, I felt that mum was my everything, and then you forget about your own life, so everything becomes magnified when they are gone. Sometimes i feel so lonely without her i dont think i can stand another minute of it, then somehow I get through to the next day. the worst times are early hours of the morning, or when I wake up in the middle of the night and think about her, or just think about life and how i dont really want to live it. It feels like a constant nightmare, rolling over and over without end.

Im like you also about Christmas, dont want to do it. Im dreading christmas day. But you must not spend it alone! you must try to be with family or friends, and if you live nearby me, perhaps we can meet for a coffee. I live near St.Albans.

A friend recently said to me that my mum gave me life and wants me to live it, thats why she got pregnant in the first place. So our mums want us to live and not be like this, But thats easier said than done. Its 4.50am as I type this, because I can't sleep.

Hope you are OK, keep in touch x

Jan

Gtp: thank you for replying, I just wish hospice nurses would take a couple of minutes out of their time to explain the dying process, it really only would take a few minutes which I am sure they can spare. Or a short leaflet to help you understand or what to do, like calling them which I didn't do and wish I had to help mum through because I was so caught up in the moment and didn't know what help was available to me.

I feel that the shock of what I witnessed and the stress of seeing it could have been allieviated by preparation and a little knowledge. Instead of the nurses sitting down and asking about me and making all those endless notes they could have just spent those few minutes explaining.

So after mum died I kept blaming myself for not helping her in her last moments to make them more comfortable, on top of the grief of losing her. Im sorry you went through the same thing.

Fiona1979: thanks for your kind words, I hope you are coping too. On christmas day we should try and think of everybody on these posts who are experiencing the same thing, and join together as one in throughts and prayers.

x

Dear Jan

I lost my mum to lung cancer same month as you last year and one plus year I echo all you feel and say.

As a guy (gay) I lived with my mum all her life even though I owned my own place less than 10 minutes away. She was my best friend and though I was  never that outgoing listening and enjoying my mothers active social life once retired never failed to make me laugh. Again like your plight I cant say palliative nor her GP gave much insight to how she would die nor totally conclusive of her condition .THey used words like probably/likely stage 4 cancer . Alas my mum had only recently not long been diagnosed with Dementia and that journey involved me giving up my job 5 years previous to get positive diagnosis and a tough battle getting GP to do their job. Mum was the sort of person who was very private and independent and I think she may of disclosed to her GP (years before ) when she had capacity that she did not want any ailments discussed with her children . I had no hesitation in giving up work to look after mum and so glad I was able to care for her at home. Against all my hope and prayers as Indictated by hospital her illness took her within 6 months which broke my heart. I m glad I was by her side and she died without pain and knowing I was there. One year on I still feel empty and that life has no meaning or purpose but I do take comfort that I have her ashes and often speak to her. It's really taken a toil on my MH and though on a waiting list for counselling feel it's very much a journey that we see our own way out of. And as an x social worker I am quite disgruntled with the care system and lack of communication, especially in my mothers care co ordination and management.  I cant imagine ever getting g over my mums death as she was the best confidant and person to be around and always was so positive on life . Like you I am so glad I took time out and even if I had all the contentment t and salary a job could of afforded I would not of changed my action in a heartbeat. My thoughts are with you and your post was very refreshing and akin to my thoughts/views xx

Hi snowpatrol123.

It's a shame when you loose a close family member, be it mum dad brother or sister. always hard to get over such a loss to a horrable disease such as cancer. my wife died from aggressive cancer last July. from her diagnosis to her passing away, she lasted 6 weeks.

The thing with a GP is patient doctor confidentiality.  I was worried about my wife many years ago. I said while on a routine visit to my GP for myself, I told him about my worries, But my GP said unless my wife comes to him and tells him, there was nothing he could do.

Like you because of covid19 we brought her home for end of life care. my wife did not want to know how long she had left. so we all chatted about going on holiday and Christmas, knowing she was never going to see. I'm welling up now even as I type this. it's 11 months since she passed away.

There is no body who can say they will pass away at such a date and time. So palliative nurses can only try second guess approx time.Like you Snowpatrol Because of covid19 we have not fore filled the wife's request  to have her ashes where her mum dad and her brother had there's scattered. I have my wife's ashes on a table and have  comfort that she is still with me.  I'm always talking to her, asking if she wants to watch her soaps, she like coronation street and eastenders. I'll be sad when all the family come together  for her scattering, I don't want to feel her wrath by keeping them. I'm in floods of tears here just thinking when she's finally gone. I'm going to be alone to deal with my own liver cancer. But I know in my heart of hearts she's looking down as is your mum, looking after you. good luck for the future to one and all.

I often wonder how you are doing now Jan . Your mum died same time e as me and I still find things tough I cant move forward and live in her past and the good times we spent prior to her illness. Though I'm happily married I was happier when my mum was well and alive x

Hi blobs,

ive just read your reply on this post and wanted to message. 
 

firstly I'm so sorry to hear of your wife's passing and your own liver cancer diagnosis. 

the part you mention about not wanting to spread your wife's ashes as you take comfort in the fact that she is still with you really struck a cord with me and I just had to reply. 3 weeks ago today I lost my mum to gallbladder and liver cancer, just 3 weeks and 4 days after her diagnosis. My dad is in absolute bits and me and my sister are just being there for him as best we can whilst trying to grieve ourselves. My dad actually mentioned how he really wants to put my mums ashes on a table next to where he sits in the living room so they can watch the soaps together (Corrie and Emmerdale for them mind you) ... I find it really sweet that there are others out there who do the same and it brings comfort to them - I hope it brings comfort to my dad when we collect my mums ashes this week. 
 

I know you are going to fulfil your wife's wish of having her ashes spread, is this something that needs to be done straight away? It really saddens me that you are going to feel so alone. I know that my mum wants hers spreading as does my dad so me and my sister have agreed to wait until that time eventually comes to spread them both together - that way we are still keeping and respecting my mums wish. Is something like this a potential option/solution for yourself? 
 

how is your own liver cancer diagnosis going if you don't mind me asking?