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I just cant move on from my mum's death

jezjay
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My fantastic mum died in April of this year, I lived with her and cared for her for the last 5 years of her life, she had breast cancer and got the OK but later it spread to her bones. What I would say to ANYONE, no matter what your relationship is with your mum, to give up everything and go care for your mum in those last years (if you financially can). It was the most rewarding - although physically tiring - experience I have ever had in my life. We grew so much closer and I know that I could never have got those moments back again after she died, so I am SO GLAD she never went into a home or a hospital or a hospice and that she died at home, with me and my daughter by her side. Its what she wanted, this is what she told me she wanted, when she knew she was going to die. So I have no regrets.

The last weeks of her life were heartbreaking, and I will never forget her last 3 breaths as they haunt me so much and how helpless and frantic I felt that I couldn't bring her back to life, feeling her grow colder and just wanting to reverse everything. That was another feeling i was not expecting because a big part of me had already accepted that she was going to die and a big part of me wanted to see her out of pain, in the end I wanted her to die but I didn't want her to die, if that makes any sense.. 

The cancer team never informed me of what to expect at death or the dying process and so I was shocked by some of the things I experienced and it was very traumatic to say the least, I guess they were just there to relieve the pain and administer medication. So I was disappointed in them for the lack of information / preparation which would have been so helpful.

Christmas is just a few weeks away and Im going to take a fold up chair to the grave and have a drink just like we would always do on christmas day, Im going to be with her, to talk to her and let her know how much I miss her. Its going to be so hard, I cant imagine Christmas without mum.

I often get panic attacks just thinking about not being able to speak to her again, the most overwhelming and devastating feeling I have ever experienced, it really is totally unbearable. I guess she was my best friend and my soul mate in so many ways. We used to chat and laugh for hours. So much in common. She was the most wonderful mum anyone could hope to have and she was a very spiritual person too. As the months have gone on, I have got worse and worse and now I cry every day and sometimes for hours. All the things that were lacking in my own life have now become magnified a hundred times, just to add to the burden and pain.. I don't understand why that should happen but it has.

The truth is, I don't think I will ever get over her death, EVER. I can't seem to function properly without her around. She was such a big part of my life. She was so kind and loving and caring and thoughtful and generous. I cant say one bad word about her. I lost my dad and I lost my sister and that was bad, but this is another dimension of grief.

I don't know where to turn or what to say to people or what to do. I keep myself busy but nothing really works. Even being with friends I find so difficult now, I just want MY MUM. I love my mum so much she is a part of my soul. I know shes with me, so many things have happened to show me she is with me. I found a lovely card last week that she wrote me when she was ill to say how grateful she was for my help and how proud of me she was and that she would love me to the end of time. That card is my most treasured possession.

How do people cope over the years, losing their mum? How do they get through? I would be grateful to hear of other people's experiences of how they have got through it. ive read so many posts on here saying similar things, how they cant get over their mum's death. So I know I am not alone.

Jan

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    Dear Jan

    I lost my mum to lung cancer same month as you last year and one plus year I echo all you feel and say.

    As a guy (gay) I lived with my mum all her life even though I owned my own place less than 10 minutes away. She was my best friend and though I was  never that outgoing listening and enjoying my mothers active social life once retired never failed to make me laugh. Again like your plight I cant say palliative nor her GP gave much insight to how she would die nor totally conclusive of her condition .THey used words like probably/likely stage 4 cancer . Alas my mum had only recently not long been diagnosed with Dementia and that journey involved me giving up my job 5 years previous to get positive diagnosis and a tough battle getting GP to do their job. Mum was the sort of person who was very private and independent and I think she may of disclosed to her GP (years before ) when she had capacity that she did not want any ailments discussed with her children . I had no hesitation in giving up work to look after mum and so glad I was able to care for her at home. Against all my hope and prayers as Indictated by hospital her illness took her within 6 months which broke my heart. I m glad I was by her side and she died without pain and knowing I was there. One year on I still feel empty and that life has no meaning or purpose but I do take comfort that I have her ashes and often speak to her. It's really taken a toil on my MH and though on a waiting list for counselling feel it's very much a journey that we see our own way out of. And as an x social worker I am quite disgruntled with the care system and lack of communication, especially in my mothers care co ordination and management.  I cant imagine ever getting g over my mums death as she was the best confidant and person to be around and always was so positive on life . Like you I am so glad I took time out and even if I had all the contentment t and salary a job could of afforded I would not of changed my action in a heartbeat. My thoughts are with you and your post was very refreshing and akin to my thoughts/views xx

  • Offline in reply to Snowpatrol123

    Snowpatrol123

     

    Apologies for such a late reply, im 2 years and 3 months on from mums death and im still finding life hard without her. I dont get that dreadful heart pain that takes the wind out of you any more, i just have a longing for her and a big hole in my life. I have a husband and daughter but they cant replace her. I miss the laughter and closeness. I find myself crying at the slightest thing.

     

    How are you doing? Your story is very sad and your mum snatched away relatively quickly., but she died without pain and without dementia taking a hold and that would have been much worse for you to deal with. I wonder how you are feeling now and if the pain has eased a little? Its never easy to lose a mum, there is nobody in the world like her.

    Love from Jan x

  • Offline in reply to jezjay

    Hi Jan

    thank you for your reply I can't say I'm much better but I try and take it day by day . I still sometimes feel sick and become very agitated but my GP has changed my antidepressant s and they seem to take edge of anxiety . Mums property has been sold so that's a sense of closure and I know my mum worked hard to achieve her purchase of her property in London having returned to work at 50 and purchased her apartment in Camden London under the right to buy . She certainly enjoyed her retirement returning back to ballroom dancing that I know gave her loads of pleasure and forged good friendships . I constantly recall her stories and tales and though my own social life was lacking I felt part of her antics . I read a lot of self help books which helps but as you know grief is very personal and how I look to how I feel are two different things . I almost expect my features to change or age drastically but I still have my happy smiley face that I guess we all have to present to the world . I toy with the idea of part time work but I know in my heart I should invest in finding new friends but it's so difficult when you have little motivation and feel and fear change more but it's something I must pursue as mum was always so proud that I was easy to talk to and have good humour and personality and got on so well with all ages . I'm going to see a spiritualist on the 4 August recommended by a friend I made in Hampshire who highly recommended her. I hope to find some comfort in that my husband is also having a reading though he is a bit septical on such things . It never bothered me that I had few friends while mum was alive as in Social Work you could never make your clients friends and your colleagues having their own caseload and visits you were like ships that passed in the night. I guess now that issues plays on my mind as I am conscious of loss I dwell on what if my partner was not here how would I cope ? But cope is what we do hence the one day at a time approach . Mum would not want me to become a recluse not live a life under a stone . How have things been for you Jan ? It's a tough road isn't it ? Big hugs David xx

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  • Offline in reply to jezjay

    Hi Jan

    thank you for your reply I can't say I'm much better but I try and take it day by day . I still sometimes feel sick and become very agitated but my GP has changed my antidepressant s and they seem to take edge of anxiety . Mums property has been sold so that's a sense of closure and I know my mum worked hard to achieve her purchase of her property in London having returned to work at 50 and purchased her apartment in Camden London under the right to buy . She certainly enjoyed her retirement returning back to ballroom dancing that I know gave her loads of pleasure and forged good friendships . I constantly recall her stories and tales and though my own social life was lacking I felt part of her antics . I read a lot of self help books which helps but as you know grief is very personal and how I look to how I feel are two different things . I almost expect my features to change or age drastically but I still have my happy smiley face that I guess we all have to present to the world . I toy with the idea of part time work but I know in my heart I should invest in finding new friends but it's so difficult when you have little motivation and feel and fear change more but it's something I must pursue as mum was always so proud that I was easy to talk to and have good humour and personality and got on so well with all ages . I'm going to see a spiritualist on the 4 August recommended by a friend I made in Hampshire who highly recommended her. I hope to find some comfort in that my husband is also having a reading though he is a bit septical on such things . It never bothered me that I had few friends while mum was alive as in Social Work you could never make your clients friends and your colleagues having their own caseload and visits you were like ships that passed in the night. I guess now that issues plays on my mind as I am conscious of loss I dwell on what if my partner was not here how would I cope ? But cope is what we do hence the one day at a time approach . Mum would not want me to become a recluse not live a life under a stone . How have things been for you Jan ? It's a tough road isn't it ? Big hugs David xx

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