Hi,

My Dad was diagnosed with terminal terminal oesophageal cancer in Nov 2019. It was a shock as he was diagnosed and told it was terminal all in one sentence. We had been led to believe for some time it had been the start of a stomach ulcer. He was told that he had 3 months to live but made it to 11 months. He passed four weeks ago. He was just 55 and I had just turned 25.

I know it is a fact of life you lose your parents at some point, but it feels so cruel he's gone at such a young age and while I'm so young. It's so hard to think he won't see me graduate again (I'm completing a masters degree), qualify into my job and maybe one day get married. 

Dad's career took him round the world and when I suggested creating a bucket list back when he was diagnosed, he said he'd done everything he ever wanted to and more. I do take comfort in that. He was so so loved and was very popular. Even on the day of the funeral, as we were restricted in numbers due to Covid, people lined the street we passed.

Dad admitted to me in his last week he felt scared and I said I was too as I don't know what I'd do without him. His death was very peaceful and he'd been smiling at me and squeezing my hand all day before he passed late afternoon. 

I feel totally heartbroken. I have a great support network around me, but nothing seems to take the pain away. I don't yet feel ready for counselling as it still seems so raw. 
I just hate this pain and just wish I could have stopped him feeling scared. Dad would be telling me to stop crying and to get on with work as that was his attitude :) 

Just wondering if anyone has anything that helped them through the initial stages x