My wonderful Mum died 8 weeks ago today. After a short remission, the cancer came back and took hold of her fast - despite her incredible fight.
I was very fortunate, in the current circumstances. to stay with her for the last 5 days and I will forever be grateful that I got to be with her at the end.
The last month was horrendous - multiple times I thought she would die in hospital without me being there. We tried to get her home but she became too ill.
I cried hard when we realised this was the end, when the hope of some final palliative chemo didn't work, when she had a moment of not knowing who I was in hospital and being scared of me. When I knew there was nothing more I could do for her than to help her pass on peacefully.
But now I don't know how I feel. I cried at her funeral, on my son's first day at school and other times. I miss her so much there is this deep gnawing ache inside me all the time but this is not how I imagined grief.
I haven't and can't seem to have huge cries like I did when she was dying, I still can't make my mind fully comprehend that she is gone forever (she was in hospital for a month, without us being able to visit, before she died). I can function and get on with life.
I just don't know - am I grieving, is this it just a slightly less horrific version because I grieved when she was alive or am I burying things just to get throught the day?
