I still have no idea how to grieve

My wonderful Mum died 8 weeks ago today. After a short remission, the cancer came back and took hold of her fast - despite her incredible fight.

I was very fortunate, in the current circumstances. to stay with her for the last 5 days and I will forever be grateful that I got to be with her at the end.

The last month was horrendous - multiple times I thought she would die in hospital without me being there. We tried to get her home but she became too ill.

 

I cried hard when we realised this was the end, when the hope of some final palliative chemo didn't work, when she had a moment of not knowing who I was in hospital and being scared of me. When I knew there was nothing more I could do for her than to help her pass on peacefully.

 

But now I don't know how I feel. I cried at her funeral, on my son's first day at school and other times. I miss her so much there is this deep gnawing ache inside me all the time but this is not how I imagined grief.

 

I haven't and can't seem to have huge cries like I did when she was dying, I still can't make my mind fully comprehend that she is gone forever (she was in hospital for a month, without us being able to visit, before she died). I can function and get on with life.

 

I just don't know - am I grieving, is this it just a slightly less horrific version because I grieved when she was alive or am I burying things just to get throught the day?

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  • Hello

    I wanted you respond to your post as what you say mirrors  my thoughts and feelings. So sorry you've lost your mum, nothing can prepare you for this horrific time.

     

    I lost my dear mum at the end of January this year and I still don't feel that I'm grieving. I still believe my mum will come back, of course I haven't seen her for so long but it feels like she's away on holiday.

     

    As you said you cried hard during the final stages, it was the same for me. I just couldn't contemplate life without her and even though I've had my breakdowns I still pick myself up and carry on. It feels wrong almost to be able to function as I didn't expect this.  She was the best mum and friend I could wish for, she made my world a nicer place. My heart is broken and I miss her so much. The deep ache you talk about is with me all the time.

     

    I've been talking to a grief support advisor from the hospice since about April, I'm not sure if it's helped or not, I'm told in the future I will look back and see I did the right thing. I often feel like I'm watching someone else's life and that I can go back to my own soon.

     

    I too wonder as you said if the grieving process is less because I witnessed my dear mum go through so much.  I know grieving is so individual and we cope in our own way.  I just wanted you to know that you are not alone with how you are feeling. 
     

    Best wishes and I hope you find strength in the coming weeks.

     

    Nicola x

  • Thank you so much for replying Nicola and I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Mum.

     

    I feel the same - being able to function so well just doesn't seem right. I keep waiting for something horrific to hit me. When she was alive but getting more poorly the fear and sadness were like a flood, this just feels like a steady trickle of complete resigned sadness.

     

    I am going to investigate options to talk with someone too - I think being able to speak and not worry about the other person having to deal with me if I get upset, may help. I guess with a counsellor you don't have to hold back do you.

     

    Love and light to you through this journey

     

    Beccy xx

Reply
  • Thank you so much for replying Nicola and I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Mum.

     

    I feel the same - being able to function so well just doesn't seem right. I keep waiting for something horrific to hit me. When she was alive but getting more poorly the fear and sadness were like a flood, this just feels like a steady trickle of complete resigned sadness.

     

    I am going to investigate options to talk with someone too - I think being able to speak and not worry about the other person having to deal with me if I get upset, may help. I guess with a counsellor you don't have to hold back do you.

     

    Love and light to you through this journey

     

    Beccy xx

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