Hello

I wanted you respond to your post as what you say mirrors  my thoughts and feelings. So sorry you've lost your mum, nothing can prepare you for this horrific time.

I lost my dear mum at the end of January this year and I still don't feel that I'm grieving. I still believe my mum will come back, of course I haven't seen her for so long but it feels like she's away on holiday.

As you said you cried hard during the final stages, it was the same for me. I just couldn't contemplate life without her and even though I've had my breakdowns I still pick myself up and carry on. It feels wrong almost to be able to function as I didn't expect this.  She was the best mum and friend I could wish for, she made my world a nicer place. My heart is broken and I miss her so much. The deep ache you talk about is with me all the time.

I've been talking to a grief support advisor from the hospice since about April, I'm not sure if it's helped or not, I'm told in the future I will look back and see I did the right thing. I often feel like I'm watching someone else's life and that I can go back to my own soon.

I too wonder as you said if the grieving process is less because I witnessed my dear mum go through so much.  I know grieving is so individual and we cope in our own way.  I just wanted you to know that you are not alone with how you are feeling. 
 

Best wishes and I hope you find strength in the coming weeks.

Nicola x

Thank you so much for replying Nicola and I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Mum.

I feel the same - being able to function so well just doesn't seem right. I keep waiting for something horrific to hit me. When she was alive but getting more poorly the fear and sadness were like a flood, this just feels like a steady trickle of complete resigned sadness.

I am going to investigate options to talk with someone too - I think being able to speak and not worry about the other person having to deal with me if I get upset, may help. I guess with a counsellor you don't have to hold back do you.

Love and light to you through this journey

Beccy xx

Hey,

I could have written this myself. Literally word for word. I lost my mum in April. I too do not really understand how I can go about my life quite normally, talk about her and not be in pieces. 
 

I always thought when she died I would be a complete mess. I too have cried at certain life events, but not in the way I imagined. 
 

I have felt more upset in recent weeks as life returns to normal (Covid) and there is more going on in my life than during lockdown. However, not in the way I imagined. I too almost felt more devastate when she was with us and I could see her getting worse or the chemo wasn't working.  
 

I don't know if the grief will hit me like a tidal wave or if it will just be like this. I have thought about this a lot and I think maybe for me I sometimes think 'what's the point in having a huge breakdown, it's not going to bring her back.'
I also feel that with most things In life you have some sort of control over, and having a good cry can help and feel like tmr everything wil be OK. With Mum I know it's not going to change anything so it's almost pointless - that's not quite what I mean but maybe you get it! 
I almost have a cry and then feel quite able to get on with things. If I choose to 'go there' with my sadness I feel it could overwhelm me and yet it doesn't change anything.... so I choose not to and I kind of feel OK with that. 
 

I do worry I am not grieving 'properly' but what reading your post and the reply from Nicola has made me realise these feelings are perhaps more normal than we realise. 
 

sending you lots of love xxx

I also can't quite believe I'll never see or speak to my Mum again and I sometimes wonder if I have actually truly accepted that or if I'm in some kind of denial, without even realising it x