Hi there Adam ...

Please hold on in there ..  we all get days where everything is just too much to bear in our lives .. and the future looks like a big black hole ... I remember that feeling well .. I'd lost my mum and dad too .. and my mum was a huge part of my world ... and that need to block pain out feels overwhelming...

If I'd done it that day ... I'd not have seen my kids get married or known the wonder of grandkids ...  every time they make me smile, I thank God I didn't jump ... lve felt my mum with me on my journey through life .. like you felt your mum telling you not to do it ... she will always be a step behind you, with a tear in her eye, feeling your pain ... I've tried after I kept holding on, to help others .. to do what would make my mum proud of me .. you could help your sisters kids ... they really need someone to help them through as you said your sister is in a bad place too .. there's 3 little ones who need help as much as you and your sister .. can you imagine their life if they loose you two ... and are so so young...

Call someone Adam .. get the Samaritan s   number .. call them ... your not alone .. on here wer all just holding on ... we've all lost people we love to cancer .. or are fighting it our selfs... one of my granddaughter s are fighting it right now .. she's just holding on by her finger tips at 18 .... so please Adam know your not alone .... call McMillan and see if there's councilling... reach out, like you have today ..  and then if you hold on for one more day .. reach out to your nieces and nephews... help them, you will get there one day at a time .. like I did .. and later be glad you did .. I know I am ... it's not easy but baby steps .. and know Adam your mum's right there watching you ... and hoping you'll be o.k ...

Sending you a vertual hug.... Chrissie  

Adam95

Hello Adam,i was touched by your post about how youve been feeling.  First let ne tell you  its normal to feel like this when your grieving, i and many do understand that grief is so very  hard to  deal with,but talking about it on here is the first step,the first step  to gaining control of all your emotions that your grief has consumed in you. First let ne tell you,i lost my husband to suicide in 1997,i was the one that found him,and it will stay with me forever.  I want you to understand what suicide does to the ones that are left behind, im sure anyone who has  ever had suicide thoughts, or carried it through  and took thier own life ,if they knew how it affects thier loved ones ,they would never do it. My son was 12 and my daughter was 15,when my husband took his own life,and it  was the hardest thing we had to deal with,there was no note,and i didnt know how id ever get through a day  ,let alone all these years.  But i had to try to remain strong and carry on for my children, who are now  35 and 38 and both have children of thier own.  My hesrt goes out to you,but think of your sister, you say shes struggling too,just stop and think if you dont staystrong  and lets say ,you went ahead and ended it,what would that do to your sister, it  doesn't bare thinking  about, what if she couldnt cope and done the same thing,her children would lose thier mother and there uncle.  Please, please stay strong, time does help heal,yes you never realy get over losing someone,but in time you will learn ti live your life, don't deorive yourself of the life youve been given to live,your mum would want to see you become all the things youve mentioned, a loving husband,a father   You can do this,you can have all these things, but don't beat yourself up  for feeling as you do now, i to didnt think id cope, but i knew it was sink or swim, and i decided  it was time to swim,things will improve for you. You have the same name as my son.  He was diognised with testicular cancer just before Christmas ,and then i found a breast lump in May this year. It was breast cancer, so things are tough, but we will both get through this,just as i know you will in tine. 

Im sorry for the long reply, but I realy do mean it when i say, if you ever feel the need to get things of your chest, im here for you Adam, as im sure many of us in this cancer chat forum are. Thinking if you and sending you some positive energy, so that you stay strong.xxx 

Adam95

Hello Adam,i was touched by your post about how youve been feeling.  First let ne tell you  its normal to feel like this when your grieving, i and many do understand that grief is so very  hard to  deal with,but talking about it on here is the first step,the first step  to gaining control of all your emotions that your grief has consumed in you. First let ne tell you,i lost my husband to suicide in 1997,i was the one that found him,and it will stay with me forever.  I want you to understand what suicide does to the ones that are left behind, im sure anyone who has  ever had suicide thoughts, or carried it through  and took thier own life ,if they knew how it affects thier loved ones ,they would never do it. My son was 12 and my daughter was 15,when my husband took his own life,and it  was the hardest thing we had to deal with,there was no note,and i didnt know how id ever get through a day  ,let alone all these years.  But i had to try to remain strong and carry on for my children, who are now  35 and 38 and both have children of thier own.  My hesrt goes out to you,but think of your sister, you say shes struggling too,just stop and think if you dont staystrong  and lets say ,you went ahead and ended it,what would that do to your sister, it  doesn't bare thinking  about, what if she couldnt cope and done the same thing,her children would lose thier mother and there uncle.  Please, please stay strong, time does help heal,yes you never realy get over losing someone,but in time you will learn ti live your life, don't deorive yourself of the life youve been given to live,your mum would want to see you become all the things youve mentioned, a loving husband,a father   You can do this,you can have all these things, but don't beat yourself up  for feeling as you do now, i to didnt think id cope, but i knew it was sink or swim, and i decided  it was time to swim,things will improve for you. You have the same name as my son.  He was diognised with testicular cancer just before Christmas ,and then i found a breast lump in May this year. It was breast cancer, so things are tough, but we will both get through this,just as i know you will in tine. 

Im sorry for the long reply, but I realy do mean it when i say, if you ever feel the need to get things of your chest, im here for you Adam, as im sure many of us in this cancer chat forum are. Thinking if you and sending you some positive energy, so that you stay strong.xxx