Hi there Adam ...

Please hold on in there ..  we all get days where everything is just too much to bear in our lives .. and the future looks like a big black hole ... I remember that feeling well .. I'd lost my mum and dad too .. and my mum was a huge part of my world ... and that need to block pain out feels overwhelming...

If I'd done it that day ... I'd not have seen my kids get married or known the wonder of grandkids ...  every time they make me smile, I thank God I didn't jump ... lve felt my mum with me on my journey through life .. like you felt your mum telling you not to do it ... she will always be a step behind you, with a tear in her eye, feeling your pain ... I've tried after I kept holding on, to help others .. to do what would make my mum proud of me .. you could help your sisters kids ... they really need someone to help them through as you said your sister is in a bad place too .. there's 3 little ones who need help as much as you and your sister .. can you imagine their life if they loose you two ... and are so so young...

Call someone Adam .. get the Samaritan s   number .. call them ... your not alone .. on here wer all just holding on ... we've all lost people we love to cancer .. or are fighting it our selfs... one of my granddaughter s are fighting it right now .. she's just holding on by her finger tips at 18 .... so please Adam know your not alone .... call McMillan and see if there's councilling... reach out, like you have today ..  and then if you hold on for one more day .. reach out to your nieces and nephews... help them, you will get there one day at a time .. like I did .. and later be glad you did .. I know I am ... it's not easy but baby steps .. and know Adam your mum's right there watching you ... and hoping you'll be o.k ...

Sending you a vertual hug.... Chrissie  

Hello Adam, 

I will echo what Chriss who seems to have had a similar experience to you in the past has said. You've done the right thing to reach out here. We are all here for you and wanted you to know that you are not alone, that many of our forum members know exactly how you are feeling. I am so sorry for the loss of your mum it all seems still very raw to you and having lost your dad as well it must have been a really tough time for you. But as Chriss said, keep being strong and listening to that voice that is telling you to carry on, that even though it is hard to think about this right now, life will also bring you happiness, and even though your mum may no longer be around to see you as you said start a family or get married, as Chriss said you will always feel her presence around you and she would undeniably want you to be happy and would be very proud of you for carrying on. 

If you ever feel as down as you were last night or generally feel low and need to talk to someone, do reach out and as Chriss suggested ring the Samaritans helpline - it is open 24h a day so do keep their number with you and give them a call. You can call them for free on 116 123 and you can also find out about other ways to contact them on this page.

I think it would also be a good idea to give your doctor a call tomorrow and to mention how you've been feeling, how your grief has been overwhelming. Your GP will no doubt be able to point you in the right direction and for example offer grief counselling. Don't be afraid to mention how you felt last night and how you feel you have reached rock bottom and need help. 

I hope you feel a little better today and also knowing that you are not alone, that so many on this forum will relate to how you are feeling at the moment. We are all here for you anytime you need to reach out. Keep strong Adam I know it's really hard to envisage this at the moment but there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel. 

Warmest wishes, 

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator

Adam95

Hello Adam,i was touched by your post about how youve been feeling.  First let ne tell you  its normal to feel like this when your grieving, i and many do understand that grief is so very  hard to  deal with,but talking about it on here is the first step,the first step  to gaining control of all your emotions that your grief has consumed in you. First let ne tell you,i lost my husband to suicide in 1997,i was the one that found him,and it will stay with me forever.  I want you to understand what suicide does to the ones that are left behind, im sure anyone who has  ever had suicide thoughts, or carried it through  and took thier own life ,if they knew how it affects thier loved ones ,they would never do it. My son was 12 and my daughter was 15,when my husband took his own life,and it  was the hardest thing we had to deal with,there was no note,and i didnt know how id ever get through a day  ,let alone all these years.  But i had to try to remain strong and carry on for my children, who are now  35 and 38 and both have children of thier own.  My hesrt goes out to you,but think of your sister, you say shes struggling too,just stop and think if you dont staystrong  and lets say ,you went ahead and ended it,what would that do to your sister, it  doesn't bare thinking  about, what if she couldnt cope and done the same thing,her children would lose thier mother and there uncle.  Please, please stay strong, time does help heal,yes you never realy get over losing someone,but in time you will learn ti live your life, don't deorive yourself of the life youve been given to live,your mum would want to see you become all the things youve mentioned, a loving husband,a father   You can do this,you can have all these things, but don't beat yourself up  for feeling as you do now, i to didnt think id cope, but i knew it was sink or swim, and i decided  it was time to swim,things will improve for you. You have the same name as my son.  He was diognised with testicular cancer just before Christmas ,and then i found a breast lump in May this year. It was breast cancer, so things are tough, but we will both get through this,just as i know you will in tine. 

Im sorry for the long reply, but I realy do mean it when i say, if you ever feel the need to get things of your chest, im here for you Adam, as im sure many of us in this cancer chat forum are. Thinking if you and sending you some positive energy, so that you stay strong.xxx 

thankyou for your kidn words its jsuy been a struggle at the moment 

thakyou so much for your kind words life had just been real hard at the momnet i will 100% go the gp have have a chat but i will be honest its not somging i think they can help i think this is a solo misstio in life that i will finish regarless my mum made a srtong man an i will make her proud thankyou for your kind words 

adam xx

Really sorry about your Mum, Adam. Yes, go out there and make your Mum proud. We are to help on this site, whenever you want it. xx Harry