Tell me about it. I don't understand how anyone manages. Wishing you more strength than I have.

Yes, I know how you feel. My dad passed away 3 months ago from terminal brain cancer. It was said he'd have 2 years and that ruined me but I kept strong and positive for him to make sure he always had plenty of fun, cakes and wine. But then he suddenly passed away while having lunch one afternoon, he didn't even make it to 3 months after the diagnosis. 
 

When he passed I attempted to kill myself but I realised afterwards how stupid I was for doing that. My dad loved life and fought so hard to survive. Yet I, a healthy young person tried to take my own life. It is not fair. I wish I could have swapped places with him. He brought more to this world than I ever could. His funeral covered the whole town, hundreds of people.

Thank you for posting TeresaLoves. I have also wondered whether I would want to end my own life, just to eliminate the pain of being aware that the love of my life is gone. I haven't tried to kill myself but there are certainly moments when I think that the only way to deal with the horror of the loss is to be unconscious myself. Like you, though, I've also thought that killing myself would be the wrong thing to do. 

Funnily enough, I also, again like you, wished I could swap places with my dad, or at least to go with him. When he was dying I wanted to die with him. Since he's my other half, being separated from him is being separated from myself, my BETTER self.

I am also angry because all this talk of "winning the war against cancer" is ********. In cases like my father's (and it seems your father's) we're not "winning" anything.

Anyway, I hope you are finding some strength TeresaLoves. There are times when I feel I'm on the verge of a complete nervous breakdown and will end up needing to go into a mental health ward. I scream and shout and cry and feel so lost and desperate. And there's only one person I can think of who could make it better - my dad.

Hi Bras, 

Its been a while since i've posted on here. It'll be 6 months on the 9th of this month since my Dad passed away. I wondered how you was getting on because its was about 5 months ago since I was last here. 

As for me, well I been trying to get on and feel like I had the weight of the world on my shoudlers, not only because Dad's gone, but because there was so much to sort out in the meantime. For some reason life decided to throw lots of challenges as soon as he died - i feel like it was a test of my metal. 

When Dad was ill, i recorded lots of audio recordings of him and me chatting. I am sat here tonight listening to a lot of those recordings and its bittersweet. It gives me great comfort and im so happy I did record him, however it makes me miss him even more and makes me very sad -  I just cannot believe he doesn't exisit anymore!?  For the brief moments I play the recordings, he is here with me, he is alive,  we are together in coversation. But he isn't physically here and it cuts so deep when I walk around thinking about it. 

I hope you are ok, you're definitely not alone...

Hi Peacewind,

Thanks for your message. I am not doing well. Like you, I recorded a few video/audio clips with my father before he passed away. However, I have daily regret that I didn't record more and didn't film when he was actually WELL and could communicate properly. Also, unlike you, I can't even bear to watch/listen to the ones I have. I an certainly imagine the bitterswet feelings you have as you watch/listen. I can't bring myself to experience those feelings. I feel as if I am going to have a mental breakdown whenever I get the feeling (which your feeling sounds like) that my father is there-but-not-actually-there. 

My only coping mechanism is complete avoidance. I can't look at photos of my dad. I DEFINITELY can't watch videos or hear audios. I actually don't know if I can put up with the situation as it is - awareness that my angel and the love of my life is gone.

I am not interested in life without my dad. 

I feel the exact same way I lost my dad in October he was everything to me he was so positive about comming home and having a life after his surgery and treatment but we never got that far I feel so guilty I never got him back home befor he passed I cry every day cause I miss him so much and I can't cope without him now I'm always here to talk if you want to feel free to message me I know what you are going through it's the worst pain iv ever felt in my life 

Hi Kitch85 - thanks for posting and for your offer to talk. I am so sorry to hear about your own devastating loss. Frankly I can't understand why we humans have to put up with this. I too have feelings of guilt. The whole thing is CRUSHING.

hi

i lost my dad last may absolute shock we didnt even know he had a any form of cancer whatsoever , he had a sudden twitch in his hand and face so we thought maybe he had had a slight stroke rushed him in done ct scan etc  nope nothing sent him home with high doseage of asperin thats was the 10th december 2018 on the 12 dec he was sick so rushed him back in had mri scan we had news that he had lesions on the brain then found out they were too deep to operate on had radiotherapy then what happened next was they had multiplied , what we then found was my dad had had a primary cancer which had dissapeared but had metastisized to his brain again something  we didnt even know he had he was so fit and healthy within 5 months he was gone , i was my dads girl im 54 but never too old . my world has completly shattered even now 19 months on im still the same mess 

we didnt have time to process the devastating news as my dad was failing in front of our eyes week by week its life changing i will never get over it nor will i ever accept it its as raw today as it was then it feels no different im just broken . my dad was my evrything i miss him more than life itself . i have have so many happy memories and had a wonderful childhood i have 2 sons grown up and 4 granddaughters one of who he never got to meet that rips my heart out too . its the worst experience of my life and the fact ill never ever see him again or speak to him i just cant get my head around and im struggling with it because all i want to do is be able to talk to him and see him . at this moment in time im stuck in disbeleif and have not moved forward like people say  you should . there was even a point i just wanted to be with my dad 

sorry its so long a message 

sharon 

Thanks for posting Gtp. I'm feeling pretty hopeless right now. But thanks for the message.