My love goes out to yeh. I too looked after my partner until the very end when he went to a local hospice. He passed so peacefully which was a god send. I know what your going through as so many are. But know this you are not alone these are such awful times i wish i could give you words that make you feel better. But only time will do that. Losing someone should never be. But life has its own plan. We cant change it unfortunatley, we can be here for one another that i have come beleive. I send you all my love..god blessxxxx

Honestly my friend, my grief was a few weeks later, I thought it had started when Andrea was dying .But lately crying everyday wonder where is she, thank you my friend 

What can I say , it’s got to be the truth I’m struggling. I have a friend who I go out for walks when he has the time and we chat . I told him that I was tired of doing the same thing all the time , so I said to my daughter I’ll treat us to some supper from the chip shop ( doesn’t sound too glamorous does it) so I went in and ordered the food the woman behind the counter said can your wife not be bothered tonight, I said that she had passed away in April, without any emotion she looked at me and said were closing soon lucky you made it, in my usual sarcastic retort was yeah I wake up lucky everyday. I told my friend this and he said Ray why don’t you tell people Andrea died and move on from the passing away line, he said it may bring a bit of help to your feelings. My friend is an educated fellow and deals with terminally ill people where he works. I said Peter I avoid the words dead or died as it’s final isn’t it , he again said Ray I could never imagine your grief or even try to know how you feel but please try and use those words to people and their reactions may be different. Ive been given an extra two more sessions with

my counsellor which is kind of helping , because as we both know the loneliness and pain came back to us without fail. I cried uncontrollably last night honestly my eyes were sore with tears streaming down. I read your posts and try to visualise you driving the camper van , any other time before this curse of a disease took our loved ones those times would have been usual , normal, but now they seem not right , that’s my view from my own driving experience. I remember just after Andrea was told she was terminal Andrea said take me out for a short drive please, so we did Andreas usual honest words Ray stop driving over the potholes on purpose you know I’m hurting. To me at the time I thought your I’ll but your not going to leave us , something will happen that will give us hope x but in Andreas thoughts it would have been I’m never going to see this again x . I know I can’t imagine your world plebbs but mine is awful, guilt and anger  it’s not getting any easier. I am not going to do something drastic to ease the pain but I sometimes think about it. I hardly see or talk to anybody unless they are booked calls from the counsellor or from work, I’ve rang work colleagues but don’t get returned calls so they can go and do one. I have two daughters but they don’t want to talk about their mam. If they are upstairs I’ve even shouted up Andreas name before correcting myself. Plebbs let’s try and get through this hell, and that’s going out to all who are going through this and to the ones who will no doubt meet the darkest days of their lives xx bless the ones who have moved on xx love as always xx

There's certainly very few that understand our suffering. I've got back in touch with some old friendsTom and I knew in our younger days but we haven't seen for a while, they have all been horribly shocked but don't seem to mind talking about him and reminiscing  unlike some people I thought were friends but have turned out shallow and have basically avoided us since Tom was diagnosed,  like he had something catchy.  Maybe they think our 'bad luck' will rub off on them or something and they will all end up with cancer too! When Tom and I got together I thought I had a companion for life,  there is so much to get our heads around, so many different types of loss we are experiencing.  I still havent worked out how we get through this and come out the other end sane. I've got six sessions of counseling starting next week when the kids are back at school, hoping it may help me get my head around it, dont think there's much to help with that deep loneliness that you feel at the loss of a partner though, it's like nothing else, I have terrible flashbacks to when we were told,  and him bravely struggling to come to terms with the news noone ever wants to hear and everyone dreads, but he had to live with and accept, it just shouldn't have happened to them and we shouldn't have had to watch that suffering they went through, unfair on all of us xx

I can't bare all on here, it's very hard but thank you 

I can see how brave you are and I'm so sorry for your loss. Coming up a year for me but it seems like yesterday. I'm feeling so weak that I can't pull myself out of this at all. 

Been a while since we spoke what has happend to make you feel this way ?? I was only saying to friend thank god i dont feel the way i did two years ago i felt like it would never end i know most come on to tell there story but you dont realy want to hear that it can be overwhelming at times i dont think i did only so you knew i understood dont give up

So sorry to hear you are having such a tough time and for your loss. There is no pressure to tell your story. People understand. It is good that you are coming on the forum and giving people support. I've been posting a bit on here recently but there have been times when I have quite literally hidden from the world and not left the house for long periods. I hope that you do start to feel a bit stronger. Sending love 

I'm just totally lost and I don't feel I can voice that directly on here. I need one to one I think without pressure and I'll have to look into that. Hope you're doing ok 

Thank you . I want to hide right now but at the same time I'm totally lost . Hope you're ok 

Ime good thanks hence i know you will be ok i never ever felt pain like it like youself i was desperate to escape from it .is it simone i remember because you sounded like me but where you going to go those are the things i told you about is how i got through the pain its eventualy turns into a dull ache that comes and goes when it comes i have a dam good blub then i feel better and carry on allways if you can to put something forward to do at the weekend that you and your family can do  its the what the h.ell am i going to do now feeling dosnt help . just  dowhat you can to keep you going till you can manage the agony your in the frustration you feel will drop to . I used to come on here to try and help it is theraputic in a way but it can bring it back to .dont give up simon theres no were els to go. but its your choice ime here anyway best wishs paul

Thank you. Had a bit of a bad week. Bit better now but sleep patterns still out. 

I think posting on here did help me - chance to say how angry I am at this disease of cancer even though writing things down also made me fall apart given my own latest cancer scare and need for surgery. I had my first surgery as a child just a few months before my friend died. The two things are kind of linked. 

Maybe sometimes we go backwards before we go forwards. But it's taken me a long time to process stuff. 

Feeling lost isn't so unusual. I've walked for hours in zombie mode not taking things in around me. Then something small clicks - maybe a bird or a cloud. It's horrible feeling lost. Also double bereavements are especially hard. My grandfather died the same month as my friend. He was very young - early 60s. Maybe that is another reason why I have struggled so much. I feel things will slowly improve for you. Just you can't see that yet. The grief is still far too numbing and raw. Thinking of you. Take care x

Thank you. Had a bit of a bad week. Bit better now but sleep patterns still out. 

I think posting on here did help me - chance to say how angry I am at this disease of cancer even though writing things down also made me fall apart given my own latest cancer scare and need for surgery. I had my first surgery as a child just a few months before my friend died. The two things are kind of linked. 

Maybe sometimes we go backwards before we go forwards. But it's taken me a long time to process stuff. 

Feeling lost isn't so unusual. I've walked for hours in zombie mode not taking things in around me. Then something small clicks - maybe a bird or a cloud. It's horrible feeling lost. Also double bereavements are especially hard. My grandfather died the same month as my friend. He was very young - early 60s. Maybe that is another reason why I have struggled so much. I feel things will slowly improve for you. Just you can't see that yet. The grief is still far too numbing and raw. Thinking of you. Take care x