Hi Devondog

Dont give up life must go on you will have days like these as only early stages for you .  I to lost my husband last September  he was only 54yrs old to unexpected lung cancer that spread to his spine.  We only had a short amount of time as diagnosed in late June last year.  We had been together 26 happy years and have two beautiful children aged 15 and 18 at that time .  We have got an amazing puppy so I do recommend one of those for yourself if you can do this .  I have just bought a static caravan on a holiday resort as my only little business to keep me occupied.  I also get crazy upset as we were still so much in love and think and cry about him everyday but do lift myself up and say I am here and he would not want me to go down that dark hole . Do you have children ? 

Victoria 

Morning Victoria, I’m still hurting so much I’ve been told I’m normal to be sad angry guilty , I feel guilty to be still here and not be with Andrea. When we were taking Andrea to the hospice I looked at our house and said to myself this is the last time you will see this.I cry everyday at different times,I have thought of suicide even the quickest way to do it but as you’ve asked I have to grown up daughters 22 and 25 and they have given us two grandsons so I would cause even more upset to them, a very close friend said to me Ray suicide is a long time answer for a short term problem.Can I ask you how do feel now is the pain as strong . Because of the covid 19 I couldn’t visit towards the end I had to go on and say my goodbyes , I’d ring to see how she was doing mostly sleeping and not expected to wake up, I said goodbye on the Thursday rang at different times on the Friday last call 19:00 hrs to be told Andreas settled and asleep. I was sitting with my oldest daughter when the house phone rang at 19:40 hrs I looked at Hannah and said no, no , Andrea had passed away peacefully I asked who was with her and was she hugged they said yes she was never alone . Victoria I am broken and lost, 5 days later would have been 26 years of marriage, July would mark 28 years together .Thankyou for reading my post ,I see some posts asking for advice and I know what is in store for them and it’s not good because they are about to experience hell so I don’t reply because they may not want the awful truth of what they will read. Your picture of you and your husband is beautiful, take care and to every sole out there in this world look after each other I mean really care for the ones you love, all I want at the minute is half an hour with Andrea when she wasn’t as I’ll as she was in the last weeks x love to all that reads this and to you Victoria x

Devondog, 

I was reading your heartbreaking posts. My mum passed away on April 27 so I know how it feels. A lot of similarities to your wife - my mother had uterine cancer that had come back after 11 years in her bowl. She also had a blocked bowl and also passed away vomiting the awful brown liquid. The cancer recurred last May (after 11 years of being absolutely fine) and she had surgery in June. They said they had got all of it; very sadly it was already back last Nov. She was actually more or less fine until a month before she died (except that her legs were swollen). Finally she was admitted to hospital April 17 with abdominal sepsis (bowl blocked again) and very restless, stayed there for 4 nights and came back so so weak, barely able to walk. Was in bed for 6 days (couldn't even turn herself), vomiting. Luckily the district nurses made her comfortable and she passed away while on Midazolam. I think about her last day and hours all the time. Whether she could hear us when sedated, how bad the pain was.

She was 71, much older than your Andrea but still far too young to leave us. My parents would have been married 50 years this October. Neither I nor my brother are married and my Mum desperately wanted to see all that and enjoy her grandchildren. Heartbreaking that we were able to give her none of those joys. She was an amazing person and everyone loved her - so caring, kind, dignified and elegant.

I really feel for you and I dont know what to say except that your wife (and my mum) would want us to find a way to continue. Have you seen Andrea in your dreams as yet? Many people have told me that their loved ones who have passed have visited them in their dreams and that it was comforting and vivid. I saw my mum and she was smiling; she looked happy and healthy. She didn't say anything. I think she was comforting me and telling me she is at peace where she is. I hope that you see Andrea too. 

Hi Devondog, 

I feel your pain has im going through exactly the same thoughts how can go on wiout him.

I lost my husband only 4 weeks ago to oesophegus cancer it was June 2019 when he found out so had a year of chemo , radiotherapy cts scans etc. We had been married 36 years and was childhood sweethearts, we did everything together, its absolutley devastating.

My kids are 23 and 27 and i have a grandson who is 8 months old so i am telling myself i have to focus on them and try and go out more, which is difficult at the minute with social distancing. 

Please keep talking and chatting to people outside your close family it will help alot, has you are not alone in this terrible situation. 

Take care

Debbie

Thanks for those words,as you’ve read I’ve spoken to other wonderful people on here who share the most unwanted similarities on this earth. I do talk to the outsiders but to be honest they are uncomfortable with talking to him that’s just lost his wife, that’s ok, you’ve got your life I’ve got a brand new one the unplanned the unwanted one. I might sound bitter and acidic but my colleagues avoid me pay me lip service with how you doing glad your getting counselling , well Ray you where I’m at if you need me, ha, if only you meant it! Then there’s the other crew what a shame about Andrea only 49 when she died , no age is it , the awkwardness of their words searching for words to comfort me and cut me off. Yes I’m angry, the people I work with were meant to be a team watch each other’s backs well , it’s noted. I’m getting counselling which is great but afterwards the loneliness returns the guilt of why didn’t I do more!!. The outlook of my life is , sorry but get on with it , sort yourself out , times a great healer , really! spend a day in my head .My poor Andrea being told your hello I’ve looked at the scans and your going to die in 6/8 weeks time .Sorry people if you’ve read this far and think , this guys losing it , well maybe I am, occupational health from my employer have rang me today full of advice , saying I’m not ready to return to work because of the job I do , but soon we’ll get you back . Love to all who have read this I’m okay got people on here who have my back , because we sharing xxx 

My own experience of losing someone taken way too young (friend rather than partner) is that you never get over it. I'm not ashamed to say I have moments when I still cry uncontrollably. It makes me cross when people are assumed to get over these things. Raw grief such as you are experiencing can last a long time. Also people deal with these things differently.

I can partly understand but cannot take away your pain.

Am going to have to stop as even writing this I am starting to cry uncontrollably for someone who died so many many years ago so very young.

I remain incredibly angry that cancer took my childhood friend from me without allowing me to say goodbye even. I don't think it is something I will ever get over. I want my friend back still. 

Sorry am crying too much to continue. I cannot take away your pain. Or mine. 

And yes it was so quick. Less than 6 weeks from diagnosis. Your post definitely hit a nerve!

Somepeople do not know what to say so it ends up coming out wrong, which is no comfort to us whos lifes have just been torn apart.

Its so hard because we know our life's will never be the same again.

Im going back to work on 3rd August and trying to get myself into some kind of routine. Perhaps if you could get back to work part time it would help?

I have a  good family and friends too but still feel so lonely. 

I haven't been offered any counciling and trying to find out if theres any groups where i could go and chat in person but there doesn't seem to be any.

And you are right at times you do feel like ya losing it. Try and get out walking ive found the fresh air is doing me good and also getting out of 4 walls also helps.x

Have come back after a significant cry.

I think what made me lose control was thinking about what my friend had to go through so young and separated from her friends in the hospital. The unfairness of it all. 

I've read Debbie's post above and walking does help. But whenever that image of my friend lifting up her sleeve to show me her blue spots, telling me she had to go to hospital because of them - neither of us knowing it was our final parting - that cracks me up. Every time. Signing off again now (more tears) and may be safer for me not to stay on this thread. Things are extra hard as I'm back on a fast-track cancer pathway. But that's not why I keep crying thinking about my friend. I can't think about this even now without getting upset. So sorry for you all who have lost loved ones especially too young and not enough time to prepare or say goodbye properly. It feels so unfair. Wish I could say something to help. I can't. Hope I haven't made things worse for anyone. Really sorry. Losing people is horrible. 

Stay here my friend, xx I’m a lost soul but I’ve got friends on here xx are a great group xx I hate my life  , but xx I’ve got to go on x stay x please x love xx 

Okay I'll try. Maybe I need to cry still - not so bad the second time tonight. Don't know where so much water comes from re the tears. 

Never got any counselling.

Still seems like it happened yesterday if I start to think about it or see someone who looks like my friend.

I probably run away from my emotions a lot.

What business does cancer have taking children - didn't quite make it to being a teenager. We'd been put in the same class at secondary school as they make sure you have one special friend from the same primary. Cancer's a beast! 

Sending love back.  

Had a bad night. I think you are right it is extremely hard to say some things really plainly. I've spent a lifetime just saying that I lost a childhood friend and mostly not saying anything at all. 

I've let myself be very lonely for decades. I don't think I can ever change this. Perhaps I don't want to.

Last night a memory that came was totally unexpected. It was of my friend and I singing aloud in class as our new music teacher walked around listening to people deciding who would/would not be in the choir. My one close friend and I had previously been in a little pop group in Primary school together. Singing together was special. On this occasion I had to sing a hymn I hated and I made a bad job of it. I wasn't chosen to be in the choir but my friend was. I felt incredibly upset I would not be able to spend those lunchtimes when there was choir practice with her. I felt I had let her down. Then my friend went into hospital. She never made the final concert - there was just a black box around her name. Suddenly I was on my own. I didn't have any friends to care about what I was going through as I hadn't made any new friends at big school yet. We'd only just gone up.  

I don't care about not having any other real friends. I don't need them. I was lucky to have had a single special friend. No one can replace her. Other people don't seem to get this. The assumption is that one gets over these things. I didn't. I never will.  Deep down I don't want to. Life does go on. But it can never be the same. Pretending otherwise feels wrong. The wound will always be there. Nothing will ever make what happened seem fair or reasonable and we will always feel that aching pain. 

I lost my best friend, my mother she went into hospital for a hip replacement, she'd had both done before but bone broke at bottom of pin so operation was to put longer pin in, i was at work got a phone call from a neighbour said come to the hospital, when i got there neighbour explained that mum died on operating table someone had forgotten mum was on blood thinners and she bled to death, my father came along asked why i was here i said to say goodbye to mum.

Dad took me into the ward mum had screens around went through, mum was still connected up to some monitors her heart was beating about one every ten seconds. Then dad got a camera out his pocket and started taking pictures of mum,. He usto photograph everything and mum hated it so i went out,.

Left him to it. 

He came to me saying he wanted some photos of him and mum i refused, so he said i might as well go. He'd ruined my last moments with my mother so i went,. He didn't even tell me when the funeral was had to find out from someone else.. Later on i went to visit him. First thing he told me was he'd given everything of my mother's to my step sister (my father was married twice) so i didn't even get a keepsake.

Couple of days later got a phone call from her bragging about what she'd get julery. Money. 

She asked what i got. I said nothing she just laughed and hung up. 

I carried on with normal life usto keep the graves tidy dad never bothered, (nana and grandad and mum).

One day dad turns up at our house asking where mum's julery is he wants it back to give to step sister, i explained we've got nothing so we have a row, he says he's moving in with his daughter to a granny flat. And he wants me to look after the graves, never really spoke after that. 

Love to all.. Billy xxx 

I lost my best friend, my mother she went into hospital for a hip replacement, she'd had both done before but bone broke at bottom of pin so operation was to put longer pin in, i was at work got a phone call from a neighbour said come to the hospital, when i got there neighbour explained that mum died on operating table someone had forgotten mum was on blood thinners and she bled to death, my father came along asked why i was here i said to say goodbye to mum.

Dad took me into the ward mum had screens around went through, mum was still connected up to some monitors her heart was beating about one every ten seconds. Then dad got a camera out his pocket and started taking pictures of mum,. He usto photograph everything and mum hated it so i went out,.

Left him to it. 

He came to me saying he wanted some photos of him and mum i refused, so he said i might as well go. He'd ruined my last moments with my mother so i went,. He didn't even tell me when the funeral was had to find out from someone else.. Later on i went to visit him. First thing he told me was he'd given everything of my mother's to my step sister (my father was married twice) so i didn't even get a keepsake.

Couple of days later got a phone call from her bragging about what she'd get julery. Money. 

She asked what i got. I said nothing she just laughed and hung up. 

I carried on with normal life usto keep the graves tidy dad never bothered, (nana and grandad and mum).

One day dad turns up at our house asking where mum's julery is he wants it back to give to step sister, i explained we've got nothing so we have a row, he says he's moving in with his daughter to a granny flat. And he wants me to look after the graves, never really spoke after that. 

Love to all.. Billy xxx 

Oh Billy, I'm sorry you had all that trauma surrounding your mum's death.

My parent's didn't want me to go to my friend's funeral, wouldn't let me take the day off school, didn't think children should go to such things given all the adult grief. But I made sure I got there (teacher's help) - front row pew and all. Had a beautiful letter from my friend's parents too. Really thoughtful they could find time to write to me afterwards despite their terrible grief. Can't reread it too often as it's getting very faded and worn. Probably too faint to copy even. There may be some school and other photos of my friend still at my parents house but I can't get those and my friend's parents are dead now (they moved away from the area soon after their daughter died but were later buried with her). My abusive father said he wanted nothing to do with me years ago. Haven't seen or spoken to him since.