My love goes out to yeh. I too looked after my partner until the very end when he went to a local hospice. He passed so peacefully which was a god send. I know what your going through as so many are. But know this you are not alone these are such awful times i wish i could give you words that make you feel better. But only time will do that. Losing someone should never be. But life has its own plan. We cant change it unfortunatley, we can be here for one another that i have come beleive. I send you all my love..god blessxxxx

Honestly my friend, my grief was a few weeks later, I thought it had started when Andrea was dying .But lately crying everyday wonder where is she, thank you my friend 

Your words mean so much making sense out of the mess I’m in But why !! I hate living without Andrea I wake up everyday at 4 o’clock in the morning with nothing to do always have done no alarm clock just do it but no reason to get up now , but my friend thanks xx

i know that feeling you are goin through. Your so angry lost and so alone

 You talk to loved  ones, family. But you always feel alone anyway. I feel that im in limbo. I know i cant do anything to bring my baby back but i know that he is still watching over me and our son. In a small way that gives me some sort of peace..please beleive your not alone what your feeling..xx take care  sweet.xxx

dear friend i just read your previous message. About cying later. I too was the same. I think personally for me i was just overwhelmned at thought he had gone sorting the funeral out and staying strong for my son everything just catches up on you and when it all seems back to normal so to speak this is when everything just hits you like a bolt of lightning. Then you have your feelings and hurt and anger, guilt everything just hits you.. xxx god bless.xxx

A little poem for you.. remember me with smiles not tears, for all the joy throughout the years. Recall the closeness that was ours a love a sweet as fragrant flowers. Dont dwell on thoughts that cause you pain we'll see each other once again, i am at peace try to believe it was my time i had to leave. But what a view i have from here i see your face an feel you near. I follow you throughout the day your not alone throughout the day. And when angels call...you will be right by my side till then i'll wait at heavens door,me and you forevermore.xxx

Ime so sorry ive been in your possition its two years for me the pain never goes it becomes a dull ache i thought my life had ended but dosnt we cope because we have no choice .i didnt want to get out of bed just a few hours sleep each night it is pain beyond words but it does get easier. dont watever you do drink to drown it out it dosnt . Guilt is the worst because you cant save them or you should have done this said that they this hindsight word is not real a silly word you did your best and thats all any of us can do .paul

Hi Paul thanks for you post my friend, there’s some great people on here who unfortunately share our tragic circumstances, I’m trying to buck my ideas up but can’t . I feel as though I’m letting people down by not following advice and move forward, I cry everyday sometimes it comes unannounced and is sporadic. People have mentioned does Andrea visit you in your dreams , yes she does but they are weird dreams, because it’s in old houses that we have lived in, for example waiting on the doorstep for Andrea to get off the bus from work but she isn’t on the bus she’s upstairs . In another dream Andrea says to me we can’t do that because I’m dead now Ray .Mad mad ..I’m still off work but I saw a colleague today not the best of the bunch and they ignored me and e thought are you ignoring me because you think I’m shirking off work and should get on with it ..people if you read this I’m not the job I do is that you have to be 100% switched on no room for error if a situation occurs and I dot feel anyway near that . I’m lost and unstructured living day by day ,counselling on Wednesday again what a loser I am.

Your not a looser at all your grieving i was a basket case for a year .you will probably find many people dont know how to deal with bereved one so they ignore it .in a few months you may find people will change the subject or totalaly ignore what you say .its they just dont know how to deal with it. Shakespeare said everyones an expert on grief till they have to go through it themselves and i dont think a truer word was spoken . I wouldnt worry about work colleges thats all they are you will find who your true ones are people you would never expect with come up to the plate because maybe they have gone through it themselves and understand what a truely agonising thing it is .but like me the pain dwindles but so slowly you dont even notice so just hang onto that thaught my friend you will start to funtion again but it takes time and what you do with that time like your counciling keep at it i thought when i came out first session god that was awfull but it will be at first because your talking about its only logical . But as time goes on it will be your lifeline and its ill about you and thats what its for. I dont think we actualy die mabe our bodys die but the energy that makes us is there forever .as to your dreams andreas not going to come in your dreams when she was ill it will be a better time when things were good i suppose its bound to be a bit mixed up .as lets be right we go a bit bonkers we resort to our emotional self for a while not our logical selves to be honest you have know control your brain protects you it numbs things and you get forgetfull its protecting you from the stark reality of it all i truely think we would go mad if it didnt. Just hold onto the thought this gut wrenching pain and lonelyness will ease just thake it  hour  by hour then day by day youl meet again theres more in this world we will ever understand or are ment to youl realise that as time goes by.paul

Paul , thanks for that , I thought I ways a sole person going through this , but unfortunately I’m not . I’m in a bit of a selfish world from my part friends are saying Ray when this covid  mess is over we will meet up and do this and that. Hang on a minute , I don’t live your lifestyle I’ve heard you say me and the wife are going to visit places, get a hotel have a meal etc. I keep on getting corrected by my daughter who says dad .. stop it . The counsellor will hear it all on Wednesday.. and then what !! What would Andrea say if she was to see you now . Ahhh . Another day in this rubbish world, so sad and lost , nah got to get better x

You said it mate ye you got to get better .liz and i only needed oneanothere so it was harder but two years ago i was like yourself as i said its now like a dull ache just you keep telling yourself i will be ok and eventualy you will . I joined a social group i go for meals with em it fills a miniscule hole liz left but dont hit the alcohol it makes it worse maybe you have hit rock bottom by coming on here and where can you go then the only way is up myself theres two forms of grief we grieve for aurselves which ok can seem selfish then for our loved ones you have to get through the latter first dont get stuck in it . ye they think a night out and that will sort you out if only it did but nice of em to try. a lot dont even familie can let you down one day at a time eh .p

So sorry. I wish I could find someone to talk to . I trie a while back. Coming up for a year after losing my husband, love of all my life . The pain is horrible. I send you my thoughts . Take care 

So sorry. I wish I could find someone to talk to . I trie a while back. Coming up for a year after losing my husband, love of all my life . The pain is horrible. I send you my thoughts . Take care 

Hi talk to me then your not alone on here your in a club that we would dearly not wish we were in but we are . The thing is at times we are so lost in our greif we dont hear we cant our heads are jumbled up with pain and emtyness when we are ready to talk the world around us has gone back to normal and as ive said people change the subject or preten you havnt said anything its flippin annoying or theye think going out for a night out will suddenly cure you of your sadness they do there best but how  do they know it takes a long time to get normality back into your life just going out and not having to say your going out is alian because your a half a person but you do get used to it eventualy how long is up to yourself these are only my views but life does change and takes on a new meaning no matter how you try to hold onto it so how are you??? I only got a bit of your story if you want to tell how it all happend for you your more than wellcome and helping otheres and sharing helps such a lot .paul

Thank you for your reply , I will take you up on your offer , I'm sure it will help.

Annie 

Your wellcome Annie so what happend what type of cancer ??? 

I can't bare all on here, it's very hard but thank you 

I can see how brave you are and I'm so sorry for your loss. Coming up a year for me but it seems like yesterday. I'm feeling so weak that I can't pull myself out of this at all. 

Been a while since we spoke what has happend to make you feel this way ?? I was only saying to friend thank god i dont feel the way i did two years ago i felt like it would never end i know most come on to tell there story but you dont realy want to hear that it can be overwhelming at times i dont think i did only so you knew i understood dont give up

So sorry to hear you are having such a tough time and for your loss. There is no pressure to tell your story. People understand. It is good that you are coming on the forum and giving people support. I've been posting a bit on here recently but there have been times when I have quite literally hidden from the world and not left the house for long periods. I hope that you do start to feel a bit stronger. Sending love 

I'm just totally lost and I don't feel I can voice that directly on here. I need one to one I think without pressure and I'll have to look into that. Hope you're doing ok 

Thank you . I want to hide right now but at the same time I'm totally lost . Hope you're ok 

Ime good thanks hence i know you will be ok i never ever felt pain like it like youself i was desperate to escape from it .is it simone i remember because you sounded like me but where you going to go those are the things i told you about is how i got through the pain its eventualy turns into a dull ache that comes and goes when it comes i have a dam good blub then i feel better and carry on allways if you can to put something forward to do at the weekend that you and your family can do  its the what the h.ell am i going to do now feeling dosnt help . just  dowhat you can to keep you going till you can manage the agony your in the frustration you feel will drop to . I used to come on here to try and help it is theraputic in a way but it can bring it back to .dont give up simon theres no were els to go. but its your choice ime here anyway best wishs paul