I don't really know where to start, but my dad was diagnosed with colon cancer in December 2018. He didn't let anyone know what stage and decided against any treatment and also chose to not follow up any appointments or results. He carried on working everyday as a builder and never showed when he was struggling as he was such a proud man. All he told me was that the hospital had said he should have a year, which didn't seem real as he was carrying on life as normal. He saw Christmas 2019 and new year, the week of 13th January 2020, he was walking around as normal, laughing and joking. He didn't appear "unwell " then sadly the day before my sons 2nd birthday, he got taken into the hospice where he died 2 hours after being admitted. It was a total shock of how quickly he passed, I asked the nurse the actual diagnosis as he said I could ask once he died, which was metastatic colon cancer, which had spread to his liver, lungs, lymph nodes and brain. He never really stood a chance especially when I learned he had also been having 4-5 seizures a day! Which I can't figure out as I saw him every day, iv so many emotions, I keep having panic attacks where I go through my day normally then it hits me he's not here and I can't breath, and has got worse since his cremation. Iv Sorted the whole process from start to finish and mentally since I saw him in the small box I can't deal with the fact he is not here, I can't accept my strong proud dad is now just this box, I cry all the time, I can't sleep from the nightmares and I just miss him so so much. Is it normal to have a massive set back from seeing dads body to what is left,? Iv been strong for my family, iv sorted all the arrangements and now there is no arrangements to be made I feel lost and finally see he won't be back. I feel like I'm going crazy, I know I'm not as I'm still working, kids are going to school and nursery but then I stop in my tracks with this feeling of he's actually gone.
i would just like some reassurance really that this will get easier x
