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Grief seems to be getting harder

Richie1
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Hi,

I lost my husband on August 26th 2019, we would have celebrated our 8th anniversary in January just gone.

He was diagnosed with a brain tumour in October of 2018, and I nursed him right up until his passing at home, he actually passed in my arms.

Rather than lessening the grief seems to be getting harder to handle, I spend many a night just crying over things that just hit me whether it be a song that brings a memory or a film or just thinking of him.

I know he is around me and in my heart but I just wish I still had him here to hold close . I think part of the grief is that however much I loved him, and still do, I couldn't do anything to stop what was happening, seeing someone with so much love for life loose their independence, speech etc and slip away,  and feeling helpless to stop it.

I will never ever forget him but the pain of loosing him seems to be getting worse, I miss him so much.

I don't normally open up about my feelings but the hurt is so hard to carry.

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    Hi ime so sorry your suffering so badly i dont think we ever truly get over the loss of a partner its a diffrent type of grief to otheres in as much as the one thats there to support us the go to guy or lady is the one thats passed over .i think we just have live with it . We loose someone and most people want to tell the world there loss but if you hold it in that grief never goes it sticks with you try if you can to arrange some counciling i went for months it realy helped me as we all have questions and the hospice councilers have some of the answers you have started healing yourself now by coming on here must have taken a lot of courage when you have difficulty opening up a good blub realy helps to . Its never to late to get counciling if your suffering from anxiaty or depression your gp can help theres a thing called complicated grief but a dr needs to diagnose that ime like you i lost the love of my life my second chance for happiness and this rotton disease stole her from me .we all grieve differently so i cant say i know how you feel but i do empathise with you .do you want to tell me a bit more about your lovely partner theres so many suffering on here and sharing realy helps. knowing your not alone because your not on here .paul ps if you do have problems opening up to gp or councilers perhaps let them read this post you put on save you going through it all and having to repeat it you put i very eloquenty 

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    I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are in.

     I haven't lost a long term partner but helped my mum through the loss of my dad and am currently grieving for her after her sudden loss 3 months ago.

     My experience has been that it does get worse before it gets better. Initially after losing someone there's lots to do like organising the funeral etc which is still all about them and so in a strange way still makes them part of everyday life. Also other people check in on you and the shock keeps the reality at bay.

    After a little time has passed though everyone else goes back to normal life, the shock wears off and you are left with the reality of a new 'normal' stretching out ahead and I think that is when it really hits home and is a more difficult time than the initial period.

     The sad thing is there is little anyone can do to ease your pain, it takes a long time to come to terms with your new situation and you gradually get used to it, not over it.

    Be kind to yourself as you would a friend in your situation, try and talk to somone about your feelings, maybe if your a very private person a counsellor would be more comfortable for you than someone you know. Try to spend time with others you care about and do some nice things it will be hard but being active and busy does help.

     I'm sorry I don't have anything more concrete to help but wish you well in finding your way. 

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    Hi Richie,

    Maybe opening up is what you needed to do. Sounds like there is a lot you wanted to say and it is of course very difficult. Whilst I havent losing a partner I lost my Mum just aged 56 to Vulvar Cancer in November. SImilar to you i've found it more difficult as time has gone on and the reality sets in....each day as you are supposed to crack on with normal life when it still feels your world has been turned upside down. You are not alone, it helps to talk. 

    Remember he wouldnt want you to stay this way...try of thing of ways to make positive memeories and actions in his name! 

    Scott x

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    Im sorry you are finding it so hard to make your way through with the grief you feel, but am pleased you have felt able to share on here. My experience of loss is different to yours, and I dont know you, but what I can offer is a belief that opening up, though painful and though difficult, is a starting point, so Im pleased you have been able to do that.  The only other thing I can say to you is that although its not for everybody, sometimes counselling can be helpful, its meant to be empathic and non judgemental, and at your pace,  Be gentle on yourself, and dont rush to do anything you dont feel ready for yet,  reach out when you can and if you feel ready, all best x

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