Hi Chma,

I don't know you personally but your story touched me and I had to respond.

My sweet dad actually passed away on the first week of September, two weeks after he was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer, which we were advised was advanced and had spread to his liver. There were no treatment options available as the doctors felt he was too weak and also had weeksmonths left to live. He deteriorated fast and I am still haunted by some of the last few days watching him struggle with pain and sickness. Like your dad he was also 69 and I am also 27. My dad actually had several blood tests and even had two colonoscopys, an endoscopy and a CT scan in May. We were advised all was fine at the time so are still struggling to comprehend how nothing was picked up until he became so poorly that we had to take him to A&E in August. He was losing a lot of weight and had become very weak.

Once he was diagnosed, it all happened very quickly. He went from being mobile to just completely bed bound and unable to walk on his own. It it a lot to come to terms with in a short space of time, especially when they go to the doctors and have all of these tests done and they can't find anything. Just to advise you, you can pursue the matter further with your doctors - because something could have been missed which is esentially the difference between life and death.

I want to tell you it will get easier, but right now the pain and the loss is raw. I lived with my dad and the evenings/weekends are unbarable without him. Honestly, people tell you it will get easier but I don't think it does. You will always miss him and the fact of the matter is we have had no closure as everything escalated in such a short space of time. If anything, just remember your dad loved you and is always with you. He wants you to be happy and he wants you to find a way to move forward and continue, so keep the close to you.

I like to think my dad is still with me, I still talk to him and feel him encouraging me so you should try and do the same. Also, remeber that 27 years with your dad is a blessing and you have so many memories to cherish and share with others. Make sure you do that.

Here if you want to chat anytime. xxx

Hi.

I’m so sorry to read about your tragic loss.

All I can say is take things one day at a time and don’t rush things. Grieving is a complicated process and we all move through it at our own pace.

You did all you could and your Dad ended his life in the place and with the people he chose. Small comfort, I know. 

Best wishes

Dave

Hey PJB7,

Thank you for much for your reply and I am so sorry that you have also gone through a very similar circumstance. I wouldn't wish this to happen to anybody but it is helpful to know that other people have gone through similar things. I'm not sure why that is, maybe because it feels like such an unreal situation so knowing that other people have experienced it makes me feel less alone.

That is one of the difficult things about this isn't it? The fact that tests were done and we were all relieved one moment to the next moment everything not being OK at all. How that is possible is beyond me. The GP surgery are going to have a conference to figure out if there is anything that could have been done or that they missed as they were all incredibly shocked at how things developed too. Are you pursuing things with your doctors?

My dad suffered from terminal agitation during the end making the nights unbearable. How can you even help someone come to terms with death when it is happening so fast? I wish I knew what to say or what to do to help him. But in the end all I could do was hold his hand tell him to try not to be scared and that we were all there with him and that he was safe with us. Like you said, because it all happened so fast there was no time for him or for us to get any closure on the situation. He was such a specal man. Even though would have been impossible for him to accept the situation, he was still able to give me and my sister advice that I will always have with me. He said he knew we would be upset and it will be a massive gap in our lives but that he wanted us to continue to grow and learn from it and to try to view it philosophically.

You are right, I feel blessed to have had such a wholesome and kind hearted man in my life, even if he was taken from us too soon. His influence will always be with me, I carry on thinking about what he would have said or the advice he would give me; which I think will become more helpful with time. At the moment I feel too numb to take most of it on board to be honest but I will always have his wisdom beside me. All we can do is remember the good times and feel lucky to have had these amazing father figures in our lives - something a lot of people have never experienced. Additionally, although we have had no closure because it all happened so fast I am glad that neither of our fathers had to suffer for too long. Living with cancer for years seems unimaginable after how awful just three weeks of it were.

I hope things get easier for you in time, as the saying goes. I think it is less about things getting easier and more about learning new ways to cope with life as it becomes less raw. I hope you have a good support system and thank you again for reaching out. Please do message me if you want to chat as well xxx

Hi Dave,

Thank you so much for your support. It is a small comfort but definitely a comfort nonetheless.

I have lost people before but never someone so close. I often wonder if I am grieving "right" or why I'm not as much of an emotional wreck as I thought I would be. This forum has been a godsend though and I have learnt alot because of it. For instance, anticipatory grieving was something I experienced deeply in the first week after the diagnosis and was something I did not understand before learning about it here.

Best wishes

C, X

Hi Chma,

You're not alone and in ways you are right, it is a comfort to know that other people understand the pain. It all feels like a bit of a nightmare in so many ways that you just want to wake up from but the reality quickly kicks in and reminds you of this new phase of life. I think the challenge has been coming to terms with the fact that you will never see him or talk to him again, I struggle with that the most.

I agree that is the hardest part, especially when you think about them going to the GP and having all these tests, Glad you are pursuing things further, we are also doing the same to try and gather if something was potentially missed because like you said the deterioration was rapid.

Let's take comfort in the fact our fathers did not suffer because as you said the two/three weeks we experienced was difficult, especially when you cannot do anything to help them. It will take time but we will continue on as our dad's would want us too. Try and occupy yourself during the day and spend time with your loved ones. That will help.

xxx

Hi PJB7,

You are right, I think that is why the mornings can be difficult sometimes. Yeah, that is the thought that usually triggers me - just knowing that I'll never see him again. But I suppose that just makes it all the more important to think about the good times and remember fondly as much as we can to keep the images we have of them in our hearts and mind as strong and alive as they can be.

We can also take comfort in the fact that we were both there until the end and did the best we could for them at the time when it mattered the most. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself and the others around us. Our Dad's would want that.

xxx

I lost my Mum 12 days ago.She was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukaemia with planning for low dose chemotherapy to start the next week . She was given up to two years prognosis I left her on Friday to drive eight hours home, she was standing and happily waving  and although she had a lot of care from me in that week she was not in any way terminal  as I could see .I got home , called and got my brother on the phone .,Mum was being transferred to hospital by ambulance after a rapid deterioration - eight hours.

I managed to stay home four days and on the fifth my sister called as she had gone to my Mums to care for her , She said come back now -today and I drove the eight hours back.  She was given this time 'weeks to a month and then 'days' it was just so shocking. She survived three days , chatty , joking as usual telling naughty rhymes to the Chaplain but died on Sunday morning . The rapidity of this disease has astonished me and I can scarcely believe I have lost my beautiful Mum. I really can understand how shocking this is for you . I hope we can all get through this , I think once the funeral is done we will feel a little lighter somehow. 

Hello , 

Thank youfor your reply .Yes I think once the funeral is done my sister , brother and I will feel a little better- going through the numb stage I think and will remain off work tilNovember. The funeralis the 17th .I think what makes it all the more surreal is the immense amount of stuff you have to do immeadiately , register the death , sort the will out , organise the funeral ,try and find all the people that need to know and tell them comforting all those along the way when you are in disbelief yourself.. We also have to sell the house and had to prepare that as well.  I work in a medical field but still could not believe how rapid it was just feel very cheated ,as did my Mum.  This time of awaiting a funeral is very long and I feel I can do little but sit and wait. I am trying to write the eulogy , and that is hard and strange. Lots of love to you xx

Heya,

My sister, mum and I are also going through this numb stage at the moment. All I can face to do when I'm here at my parents house is stare into space and watch whatever rubbish is on TV, haha. I hope I will be able to grieve more properly after the funeral and regain some feeling of control over my life again. Our funeral is not until the 23rd - an agonising three week long wait since the date of death. I am going to go back home today and see my partner and some friends over the weekend which I hope will make me feel a bit more normal again. Hopefully you have some nice things planned, or at least something to do amongst all the madness which can help take your mind off things?

There is so much to do isn't there? The list never seems to stop growing. Inviting people to the funeral is difficult, none of this should be happening to begin with. We are also in the process of writing eulogies and organsing pictures for the service sheet etc. It is definitely very odd trying to think about what to write or what they would have wanted but I think we have now gotten some idea of what we want to include in it. I wish you the absolute best for the 17th,  even though there is so much to do you've got this! We will both get there in the end. Lots of love xxx