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Mums diagnoses to the end of her life

Tatties
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My mum passed away 2 weeks ago tonight, but I have been struggling to feel any emotion about it. Tonight I got extremely upset and started reading old messages from her and remembered how much the meds and cancer changed her. She became very critical and negative to me. She shouted at me all the time, she thought I was plotting against her - she ended up in a hospice 6 days before she passed and she blamed me for it - saying to people I couldn’t cope and she needed a care plan in place for when she got out cause i couldn’t cope with anything and all because I was going on holiday in September. She actually ended up wheelchair bound at the end and needed washed and taken to the toilet etc. And was on a nebuliser and syringe driver. 

I was meant to fly out on holiday tomorrow but I cancelled it when she was in the hospital before being moved to hospice and I told her that. She said I told her I was going on holiday no matter what and leaving her which I would never have said or done. I saw texts in her phone ranting about me being really quite awful.

KMum and I never discussed me nursing her at home - it just wasn’t ever spoken about yet she said it in the hospice when she was trying to get me to nurse her rather than the nurses. Every time I went to hospital/hospice she was horrible to me and had me running around like a nurse. When all I wanted to do was spend time with her

Her last words to me were shut up and earlier that day that I was annoying her. 

We loved eachother so much and were best friends but from diagnoses to the end of life I can’t remember anything other than how she treated me and how unwell she was - it’s stopping me grieve I think. I felt upset and was crying tonight and started reading the texts and just stopped. 

I don’t even know why I’m writing it I think I need to get it off my chest as all I do is speak about it to my partner and have done for months. 

We told eachother we loved eachother every day and held hands all day on Monday and spoke about how much we loved eachother. She left voice recordings in my phone telling me how much she loved me and lovely little notes for me too but the 16 weeks of cancer has just taken over everything and I don’t know what to do to change it 

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    Hi again just deleat the nastie ones your punishing yourself you know that comes with grief guilt!! Although part of you knows its not your mum saying these horrid things but theres a bit of your brain that doese then it feeds the guilt its terrible although i looked after my liz to the point some of the nurses asked if was a retired nurse i still knocked myself out for months with the silliest of things . A lot of people get it just remember this tatties when the negative thoughts start to come start thinking of the great way you looked after your mum eventualy thoes bad thoughts will stop coming just keep the nice messages the otheres are cancer talking not your mum so why give it anymore chances to hurt you to  paul

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    Hi Tatties, I am just so sorry to hear this. It must be so upsetting for you to remember those traumatic memories. I started crying when you mentioned the voice recordings and the little notes, she obviously loved you so, so much.

    My Mum died a week before your Mum, on the 20th August. She had ovarian cancer but we found out it had spread to her brain in May. I wanted to message you because my Mum's behaviour changed towards the end too. She was so confused and scared, it was like our roles had reversed and I became her Mum, trying to reassure her and tell her that no one was going to hurt her or give her the wrong medication.

    It must have been so, so awful for you, but please, please delete the texts. Those texts weren't your Mum, they were the cancer and I know I don't know her but I imagine she would be devastated if she knew that this was what you were focusing on. I cared for my Mum and saw things she never wanted me to see, things you should never see as a daughter, and she hated it, but we didn't get to a hospice in time. Even though your mum "blamed" you for her going into a hospice, you literally couldn't have been her full-time carer, it would have been so exhausting and if she had been in her right state of mind, I am sure she wouldn't have wanted to put you in that position. 

    You sound like such a strong person who loves her Mum so much, I'm truly sorry you had to cope with this on top of losing her. I would so recommend talking to Macmillan, they have helped me a lot over the past few months – they offer great advice and a shoulder to cry on. You can always message me if you like. 

    Pippa x

     

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