i lost my beloved dad on May 19th to prostate cancer. His health had been declining since December when he was admitted via a and e for gross haematuria. Had 3 ops. The last was successful in stopping the bladder bleeding but the 2nd caused a stroke. He had 24/7 carers when we eventually got him home and hated the idea of going back in. Basically, due to the radiotherapy 20 years ago, his bladder more or less had disintegrated. Palliative care and hospice at home we’re brilliant towards the end and I was with him every day. That’s not unusual as I saw dad or at least spoke to him every day.
My issue is this. The bottom has fallen out of my world. I cried all the time at first then gradually my crying reduced each day. I thought I was getting a little better and returned to work about four weeks after he died. It’s now 7 or so weeks since the best thing in my world went to Heaven. Mum died in 2004 and I have no siblings. My husband loves me. I know this, but he doesn’t do emotion and told me tonight I need to stop giving voice to the negativity and grief. So, instead of saying I’d been somewhere and it was good but hard, I need to just say it was good.
i did inform him he might want to think about being patient and compassionate with me. Hence, I’ve turned to you lot.
i wonder if he has a point. Feel my feelings but don’t give voice to the misery? Part of me wanted to punch him. Another part of me knows my dad would want me to really live and crack on with my life, leaving his passing in history and stepping into a new normal with courage. If I allow my feelings to take hold I will almost certainly go under ( am 18 years sober). Equally, if I try and ‘get over it’ I feetim being dishonest about how I really feel. There are occasional days when I’ve wished, if not for my boys, that I could join him.
is my husband being an *rse or could he have a point?
The sobbing is less frequent now but fiercer.
God bless all of you who hurt to the point where you think you’ll surely dissolve like an aspirin xxx