Dad passed away last week. I can’t let go of the past.

My dad died last week after a 2 year battle with cancer. 

 

By way of background. My dad left my mum, my sister and me when I was 8 and my sister was 6. He left at Christmas, and left with the woman he’s now been married to for 30 years. That same day she walked out on three children and she’s never had any contact with them can since. Over the years I’ve tried to forgive him for leaving but he’s never been a great dad. When I was young he would make no contact for a year of two at a time. That contact has increased over the years to a phone call every week or every fortnight but he’s still dodged everything that may mean he needs go get involved in any sort of responsibility for my entire life (I’m now 39). 

 

Dad used to live 4 hours away from us but 3 years ago he moved nearer to me and my sister. I suspect that he knew he was poorly at this point and wanted to know his wife would not be left on her own. Although our contact has increased, he’s still kept us at a very safe distance until the last 6 weeks when he was at the end of his life. I have sat with him every day for hours at a time and supported both him and his wife as best I could. Anyway, dad passed last week and I’m glad I had that time with him. My step mum is now leaning heavily on me and my sister, which I get as she is in shock and lonely but I can’t help thinking that if she hadn’t cut off her own family she would have plenty of support around her. 

 

I wad speaking to the humanist this morning who will br leading dads funeral. He asked me for some memories and things I wanted him to say and I was hit with a wave of bitterness. He was my dad and i loved him because he was my dad but he’s not been a good one. How can I say nice things about someone who put himself and his own needs ahead of everyone else, for his entire life. I’m fortunate we have a step dad who is lovely and has done all the things over the years my dad should have done. 

 

I never realised I still harboured so much resentment for what he did in the past. I’m faced with hurt and upset that yet again dad put his own feelings first and came back here so that his wife would have someone to look after her when he’d gone. This woman broke up our family and although I’ve always been pleasant to her, I’m just left with a load of new resentment at the whole situation. 

 

Sorry, I’m waffling. I don’t even really know what advice I’m asking for, just needed to vent. X 

  • Hi there...

    I'm sorry if this sounds hard ... but in my opinion, you owe his wife nothing .. she didn't care when he walked away from your family .. and you said she walked out on her kids ... well I would have never ever left my kids for anyone ... it's now up to her to try to mend bridges with her own children .. though I couldn't blame you all turning your back on her ..

    Your mum's hubby / partner has been more of a dad to you .. that's what counts at the end of the day .. just coz your dad tried to get back with you, at the end was, I think emotional blackmail ..

    We hold our kids hands for such a short time ... we had kids to look after them .. and to know they are loved .. it's not our kids responsibility to care for us, unless we earn it ..

    You did your dad proud at the end .. maybe let his wife do the eulogy at his funeral ... you could just say about those last week's with him ... you are an amazing son / daughter , and you can hold your head up high ... but now it's time that his wife faced up to ... what goes around, comes around ... she is not your responsibility... that's just my opinion  ..

    Chrissie xx

  • Thank you so much for your reply. It doesn’t sound harsh at all, kind of what I have wanted to hear. I think because, without wanting to sound horrible, I’ve always been a better person than both of them, i struggle to see people hurting and sad and my dad knew this. He knew I would struggle to turn my back on her. Like you say, emotional blackmail. 

     

    I am mum of two, my children are 12 and 8. As a mum I cannot understand anyone walking out and leaving my kids. They are my world. I have an amazing husband but if I was ever forced to choose between him and my kids (I can’t see any possibly situation where that would happen, but speaking hypothetically) my kids would always win. Now on earth you can walk out on your husband and three kids and also know you’re destroying another family in the process is beyond me. 

     

    I think youre right and I’ll leave the eulogy to her. If I do ask the humanist to say anything on my behalf it will be that I am glad I got to spend the time with him at the end that I did. But I can’t wax lyrical about something that he wasn’t. I just can’t bring myself to do that. 

     

    Im hoping that over time by step mum will decide to return to where she and Dad lived before. She has nothing here at all but Dad did used to tell me that she had a handful of friends there. And her brother is also there. So hopefully over time she’ll make the decision to return and I don’t have to actively cut her off. Although that is exactly what she deserves. Sadly in this life we reap what we sow x 

     

     

  • Bless ya ...

    Now you put all that caring and love into your family ... they grow up so quickly .. and you know , I've never loved any man more then my boys, ... and you sound an amazing mum .. you deserve a wonderful family ... 

    I'd be very proud if I'd had a daughter like you ... Chrissie xx

  • Hi Charliebex, well if ever two lives run parallel, it's ours, except I'm now 70 years old and my Dad died twenty years ago.  So here's my advice., do what is best for you and your true family and leave this selfish woman to live her own life without your Dad, she does not deserve anything from you.  Of course it brings the bitterness back, death does that but you'll get through it.  My brother and I were doing OK until a few weeks later we found he'd classed us as nothing and left all to his wife and son from that marriage, trust me that makes you realise that nothing we did would ever be appreciated.  If you don't want to say anything nice, then don't.  I just told a story about what he was like whilst he was ill and how we had settled our differences and to this day I think I did the right thing.  I rarely think of him, he's dead and we're alive, we were the nicer people and I feel happy with that.  Oh, his wife is bitter and twisted and I have very little to do with her, even her own son emigrated to Australia, his wife can't stand her and refuses to see her, there's an old saying. What goes around, comes around.  So I'm sorry for your loss but you will come through this stronger and more content.  Best wishes for a happier future.  Carol 

  • Thank you so much for replying. 

     

    Im so sorry you have also been through this. I don’t think I was prepared for the influx of emotions and bitterness and resentment, I thought I’d dealt with it all years ago but goes to show how well we pocket stuff away until we have to deal with it. 

     

    I’m glad you’re now at peace with everything, I hope that is something I can find too x 

  • You will find that peace, you sound like a loving Mum and like you I would never put my family through that either.  So we learn from others mistakes, you are a strong person and my heart goes out to you.  Much love, Carol x

  • Hi ime in total agreement with criss there .just tell you want know more contact or your going to end up a carer for her cant beleive the self centerd attitude of the pair of them . But ive known a couple like that myself . Yes your step dads your true dad its may make you feel a bit guily but better than that weight round your  neck she will hurt your life now as in the past .p