Hi,

I lost my wife at the end of November last year aged 46 and its so tough without her. She was diagnosed with TNBC in June 2016 and her journey was one of false hope and frustration, The cancer spread onto her lungs and she became very ill despite her attempts at chemo to beat the illness. I nursed her through the toughest of times which can only be described as a relentless routine, but it just became normal to us, but she was worth every ounce of effort. We both tried our best, but it just didn't go our way in the end.

I can relate to a lot of what you describe, we have two kids and were an extremely close and loving couple.  I'm four months down the road now since she passed away and have had 8 sessions of bereavement counselling and despite that I still have some very dark days.  I had two months off from work after she passed, but now I am back to work full time, and I have got back into the work routine.  However, my wife is always on my mind every day and I just cannot understand how we ended up like this. I visit her grave every day because I feel that I have to, I hate going home to an empty house and I hate the fact that our two kids have to live without their mum, and that was their mum's biggest fear!

For me, it really hasn't got a lot better, I find that the emotions come in waves, some just touch my feet and others completely swamp me and drag me out to sea. I dont think it is something that gets much better, but the rawness if it must subside at some point?  We just have to learn how to accomodate the pain and frustration and carry it with us forevermore.  I have good family and friends who are there for me, but many of them are dealing with this loss too, so it is very hard sometimes to speak to people who are also feeling the same, but of course in a different way to what I am.

I do think ultimately it is down to us as to how we feel and how we progress into the future, but that is so much easier said than done isn't it.  I haven't had suicidal thoughts, but I certainly find it difficult to be strong for the kids when I can't be strong for myself. I don't know how I keep going, but I do, my body gets up every day and carries on even though sometimes I really cant be arsed!

One of the first things I did when my I got home after my wife passed was to clear out all of her medication, and there was a lot of it. I bagged it all up and took it to the chemist for disposal because I couldn't stand the sight of it.  If you have had thoughts about taking your wifes medication then you need to dispose of it now to prevent any temptation of taking it.  Go and see your doctor and let them know everything that you feel, and the thoughts you've been having. Hopefully they can help you take the baby steps towards getting back on track.

James.

Hi my friend,  Hope you don't mind me replying to your summary.   I was interested , because it is or was very similar to what I am going through.  I understand it's now 3 years down the line for you,  so apologies if it opens up old wounds.   I lost my wife end of June this year after having a similar experience to yourself.  Struggled for 5 years , started with tumour  in colon which was removed, followed by 19 sessions of chemo. We then got the all clear only to be told they had made a mistake, and it had travelled to her liver.  Another op on the liver followed by another 8 sessions of chemo, as they later found it was in her lungs.  Again more chemo and once again the all clear , again followed by "sorry wrong info" it's was back in her liver.  She never recovered from that point.  A rollercoaster that people cannot believe. I am like you were completely lost, and wondering if it will ever ease.  I have my son at home 24 year old and a married daughter, but I struggle to find any optimism.

Hope you have found happier times John.

Hi, I just lost my beloved wife of 9 years to TNBC in July. It has been extremely difficult, but I know that she would want me and our son to be happy. We have to continue to live this life to the best of our ability, despite our devastating losses. I try to focus on the positive, and I find that regular cardiovascular exercise really helps, although the waves of emotion usually hit me after the workout, but they are the moments when I really feel her presence in spirit, which is a good thing. But there is a big difference between having the one you love present in person versus having them in spirit. Ultimately, we are still here on this earth and we have to figure out how to continue to live and survive, physically and mentally, and this is what our loved ones would have wanted for us. I am with you in spirit and share your grief - hang in there and stay positive.

Hi, I just lost my beloved wife of 9 years to TNBC in July. It has been extremely difficult, but I know that she would want me and our son to be happy. We have to continue to live this life to the best of our ability, despite our devastating losses. I try to focus on the positive, and I find that regular cardiovascular exercise really helps, although the waves of emotion usually hit me after the workout, but they are the moments when I really feel her presence in spirit, which is a good thing. But there is a big difference between having the one you love present in person versus having them in spirit. Ultimately, we are still here on this earth and we have to figure out how to continue to live and survive, physically and mentally, and this is what our loved ones would have wanted for us. I am with you in spirit and share your grief - hang in there and stay positive.

Hang in there and try to stay composed. Deep breaths help me recenter and regain my grounding. IN terms of friends, know they mean well but also know in your own mind that they have no idea what we are going through. A spiritual connection is a spiritual connection, and I am not sure that this ever ends, nor should it. It is a gift, and despite our loved ones passing from this life, this does not mean that our spiritual connection has ended. I will always love my wife and have a spiritual connection with her. As for loneliness, it sucks. My son is enough to keep me busy, but I try to force myself to go out to do things if only for the fact that it keeps my mind off of things which makes it easier to get through each day. Again - hang in there and know that our loved one wanted the best for us, which is to live our lives to their fullest and to somehow find enjoyment (or tolerance of the everyday) even in this pain that we endure. All the best to you.