Hi just read your post please throw the booze away ive known many men who hit the booze and it destroys them theres no exceptions plus if you want to keep your kids anyone finds that and they are gone its a horrible situation to be in i can give you advice but not sympathy if your drinking .take drugs to chemist and go to see your gp they can give you something that realy helps you may not listen but i do hope your ok ive been through it myself and lost a grandchild so i know the terrible pain your in keep up with the counciling and get some legal advice as soon as you can .trust me the pain does dwindle  .its it unfair to be in this situation when so young cancer is an evil disease it doesnt bothere who you are you cant figure it out .so please throw the booze and drugs away .best wishs to you and your children they will be suffering and lost .paul

Hello and welcome.  I am so sorry that you and your children find yourself in this sad situation. Can I say - even if it is not my business - please maintain a good relationship with the children's biological father.  They may not want to live with him full time but it is right that he should see them and maintain a good relationship if at all possible. Keep it pleasant!    You know that suicide would be entirely the wrong thing to do (for everyone concerned) so take the help you are offered by your GP.  It is still very early days since the death of your wife and it is a very individual thing for everyone who has been bereaved.  Going back to work is right when you think it is right - some people want to go back quickly (I was one of these when bereaved) others need a few weeks more.   I am sure you will keep in touch with your management so they and you both know where you stand.   People mean well but as you say they cannot really know what you are feeling; I suppose it is better than being ignored by "friends" which has happened to quite a few people on this forum.  Glad that you are getting some counselling.    Your mum-in-law has had an awful loss too; as a parent myself I shudder to even think about  the loss of a child - give her a bit of slack!  Best wishes.  Annie

Hi,

I lost my wife at the end of November last year aged 46 and its so tough without her. She was diagnosed with TNBC in June 2016 and her journey was one of false hope and frustration, The cancer spread onto her lungs and she became very ill despite her attempts at chemo to beat the illness. I nursed her through the toughest of times which can only be described as a relentless routine, but it just became normal to us, but she was worth every ounce of effort. We both tried our best, but it just didn't go our way in the end.

I can relate to a lot of what you describe, we have two kids and were an extremely close and loving couple.  I'm four months down the road now since she passed away and have had 8 sessions of bereavement counselling and despite that I still have some very dark days.  I had two months off from work after she passed, but now I am back to work full time, and I have got back into the work routine.  However, my wife is always on my mind every day and I just cannot understand how we ended up like this. I visit her grave every day because I feel that I have to, I hate going home to an empty house and I hate the fact that our two kids have to live without their mum, and that was their mum's biggest fear!

For me, it really hasn't got a lot better, I find that the emotions come in waves, some just touch my feet and others completely swamp me and drag me out to sea. I dont think it is something that gets much better, but the rawness if it must subside at some point?  We just have to learn how to accomodate the pain and frustration and carry it with us forevermore.  I have good family and friends who are there for me, but many of them are dealing with this loss too, so it is very hard sometimes to speak to people who are also feeling the same, but of course in a different way to what I am.

I do think ultimately it is down to us as to how we feel and how we progress into the future, but that is so much easier said than done isn't it.  I haven't had suicidal thoughts, but I certainly find it difficult to be strong for the kids when I can't be strong for myself. I don't know how I keep going, but I do, my body gets up every day and carries on even though sometimes I really cant be arsed!

One of the first things I did when my I got home after my wife passed was to clear out all of her medication, and there was a lot of it. I bagged it all up and took it to the chemist for disposal because I couldn't stand the sight of it.  If you have had thoughts about taking your wifes medication then you need to dispose of it now to prevent any temptation of taking it.  Go and see your doctor and let them know everything that you feel, and the thoughts you've been having. Hopefully they can help you take the baby steps towards getting back on track.

James.

Hi Mjf,

I am so sorry to read about the loss of your wife at only 35. It is never an easy thing to watch a loved one at the end stage of life, but this is particularly so with cancer. It can be difficult to get the final months, weeks or days out of your mind and replaced with memories of happier times.

It sounds as if you now have the additional worry of what is going to happen with the children. How are they both coping? I am glad to hear that you are seeing a counsellor regularly. It would certainly seem too soon to do group therapy just yet, but there may come a time when you find this helpful.

You say ‘i don't think i could stop myself if i got to a stage that i would do something’. In that case, remove anything that might help you out. One worthwhile thing to do would be to return all of your wife’s medication to your local pharmacy to be destroyed. That way, it’s not there to turn to on your darker days. I’m sure that your wife would not want you to do anything that would upset the children’s lives any further and would be very upset if she even thought that you were contemplating ending it all.

Could you aim to make her proud in everything you do? A nice photo in a prominent place might also help you and the children. I know that losing a parent is not the same as losing the love of your life, but perhaps keeping a photograph of her in a prominent place might help all 3 of you? I keep a photo of my mum, which I often chat to as I pass by and I have found this to be of great solace throughout the years.

You will never forget your wife and you will always hold her in your heart. You are still at a very early stage of grieving, but things will get better with the passage of time. I sincerely hope that between you both, you can come to some mutually acceptable agreement in respect of the children.

Please remember that we are always here for you and, you should find that writing down how you feel helps you to come to terms with the rotten hand that you’ve been dealt.

Kind regards,

Jolamine

Hi my friend,  Hope you don't mind me replying to your summary.   I was interested , because it is or was very similar to what I am going through.  I understand it's now 3 years down the line for you,  so apologies if it opens up old wounds.   I lost my wife end of June this year after having a similar experience to yourself.  Struggled for 5 years , started with tumour  in colon which was removed, followed by 19 sessions of chemo. We then got the all clear only to be told they had made a mistake, and it had travelled to her liver.  Another op on the liver followed by another 8 sessions of chemo, as they later found it was in her lungs.  Again more chemo and once again the all clear , again followed by "sorry wrong info" it's was back in her liver.  She never recovered from that point.  A rollercoaster that people cannot believe. I am like you were completely lost, and wondering if it will ever ease.  I have my son at home 24 year old and a married daughter, but I struggle to find any optimism.

Hope you have found happier times John.

Hello

What a terrible time for you and your children. Watching the person you love most in the world die from Cancer is the worst thing ever. My husband died three years ago and I will never forget how difficult and traumatic it is to let go and say your last goodbye. I wish you all the best and hope you are coping and finding help for all the anger and sadness that we inevitably feel at the loss of our closest beautiful love.

Hang in there and try to stay composed. Deep breaths help me recenter and regain my grounding. IN terms of friends, know they mean well but also know in your own mind that they have no idea what we are going through. A spiritual connection is a spiritual connection, and I am not sure that this ever ends, nor should it. It is a gift, and despite our loved ones passing from this life, this does not mean that our spiritual connection has ended. I will always love my wife and have a spiritual connection with her. As for loneliness, it sucks. My son is enough to keep me busy, but I try to force myself to go out to do things if only for the fact that it keeps my mind off of things which makes it easier to get through each day. Again - hang in there and know that our loved one wanted the best for us, which is to live our lives to their fullest and to somehow find enjoyment (or tolerance of the everyday) even in this pain that we endure. All the best to you.