My wife passed away on the 3rd of march at kent hospice she was only 35. She had stage 4 melognoma cancer. She left me with her 2 children ages 8 and 11 who i've been a step dad for 6 years and the current dad is still in the picture. I looked after her from the time we knew it as stage 4 up until she passed away in the hospice which has to be the most painful expereince in my life. I'm not back at work yet and won't be for some time as my counsellor has told me i'm not ready and so do some of my friends. My main focus is my children for whom i owe them everything too, the dad is currently deciding whether to take the children and live with him to which i would be devasted as i would lose the connection from there mum. Coming to terms with the loss has been very hard as i last lost someone when i was 14 im now 32, i have a family counsellor who i see every friday to help me with my grief, i have'nt been to any groups as i feel this is too soon. I've had dark days when i think of ending my life, drinking or even taking medication that my wife left behind, however i know my wife would be very angry if i took my own life just to be with her again and the children would be in more pain and end up living with there dad which i know they both don't want. My heart has been severly broken and it will take along time to heal. My mother in law has become very supportive however she can become very annoying and pushing me to go back to work and can sometimes get me feeling to doing these things or having dark thoughts, my counsellor has told me to ignore her and to go back when im ready, another thing that gets me angry is when people say they know how i feel but that person has'nt lost there partner its normally a relative or parent. I know grief will eventually get better and i will never loose thought of her but these dark thoughts need to stop as i can't have the kids feeling even more depressed at such young ages and i don't think i could stop myself if i got to a stage that i would do something.
