This pretty much could be me that's typed that! I think we are of a similar timescale I lost Dad July 2020 , you describe how I am.

im getting thoughts that I'm becoming accustomed to him gone then a stomach turning thought that it's all final and quite awful.

I wanted a magic wand to do what I don't know as if I feel ok a feel bad and if I feel bad it's just not good long term for your body and mind. Being human is hard.

I want my dad back but he was ill and it happened quickly.

in a way it's good to know your not going mad and it's a process a lot of us are going through x 

I feel like those 'hit me' moments, it's really happened will never go away. One minute you're fine and the next it comes out of no where. My dad was buried and still now sometimes I will go and be fine and other days I'll just sit on the grass and sob, but I know I've come a little way as I used to sob every single time without fail. 
I've actually found the hardest part supported and worrying about my mum. 

That's why I come on here, it's a horrible comfort to know you're not alone. I always think, why hasn't it happened to other people I know and then I realise that it's happened to so many, I just don't know them. X 

I'm 2  1/2 years on from dad and 5 from mum, finally having more good days than bad, although the tiniest thing or sometimes nothing sets me off still and probably always will.

I still have anger and have no patience with our stupid petty management at work now, I feel like screaming at them to just let me do my job, I think they have yet to understand things the way you do when you lose someone close.  The world seems to carry on as before, yet you are changed for ever.

I say sorry to my parents every day still for what happened and my naiivety over the system. I value, admire  and love them more than ever now, that feeling is often starting to outweigh the grief at last, though the link is complex and it is taking some time to balance xxx

It's certainly a life changer in more ways than one. I don't care or worry about things I used to as they are now nothing in comparison, 

i on a daily basis analyse what I could of done / said and say sorry out loud. It's a very heavy cross to bear sometimes. 

It is, and I often wonder now if my parents bore this too, thinking back to some memories-  I think it is what they were trying to protect me from, that is parents for you!  I'm beginning to think you need to reach about 90 before you are fully grown up, unless you are exceptionally insightful Xxx

I think you are very lucky if you don't experience anything we have, there's lots of people out there think people just go to bed and die. 
my grandma was born in 1911 and she saw sadness from a young age throughout her life she was a tough one, I guess people are more sheltered now ‍♀️ . 
 

you just think it's never going to come to you. 
my problem now is I worry how things can go wrong /what way things go with mum but I guess that's normal after everything and anxiety. I'm trying to stop !

I am sorry for your loss. Supporting my mum has taken all my spare time. I am on the phone most days, often an hour a day. It is very hard, but she has begun to turn a corner. We rarely talk abou dad on the phone, or cry. It is usually her relating her day. Probably yours will too. I have learnt that often, when I am worrying about her, she is on the phone to a friend! When I think she might be down, she isn't. It is easy to think you know how she feels but find out how wrong I was and how well she is doing, in comparison. Mums are much stronger than you think. Sending best wishes, take it easy. 

I am sorry to read your story and yes a similar time frame. Ten months for us now. I don't really count it now. For me, it feels forever, and I'm not sure that helps me deal with it. All the readjusting is slowly easier, but I still don't believe it happened. My work gets in the way of me grieving and I suddenly realise I haven't had time to think of dad, then I feel guilty about it. But he is in my mind 24-7, otherwise. Maybe that's what they mean when they say people stay with you. I'm quite angry with myself for not falling apart too, if that sounds strange? I thought I would be more upset and am surprised I am handling it. I loved my dad infinitely and we were so close, it doesn't make sense. I wonder if that is how I am managing to cope, with his strength? Maybe you too are the same? 

I went away for the weekend, stayed at a place my dad and mum visited a lot. That was weird and felt like a betrayal, although my mum didn't see it as such, in fact she was pleased we had gone.  But I also left a stone with his name on, for him. That made me feel better! I wonder how I will feel in the next couple of months so will post again. Hope you are keeping safe and doing OK. 

Thank you for your kind words they do help.

we have all been through it on here, I guess it's getting to acceptance. We are lucky to of had them ️