Sadly I too am a member of this group. I lost my dad in July 2020 and have like many of you, have been through his first birthday, our first Christmas and my birthday without him. I too am devastated and cry most days, albeit some days are worse. Some days are good days too. I loved him so much and like everyone here can't believe I have to live on without him, and I am 53! To me he was still in his 50s, not mid seventies. My mum is heartbroken, making the best of it but we will never be the same either. We speak every day for an hour, but nothing I can do for her really helps or will ever ever make up for losing him. I don't think we will ever get over it. God knows how we will get through it. My dad's story is a nightmare that was compounded by lockdown although he didn't have covid. It was so complicated and tortuous, I can't ever put it in writing, and ultimately he shouldn't have died yet, but he did. It was such a shock and to make it worse, I couldn't be with him because of lockdown rules. That is the worst bit for me and I can never change it. If you are reading this to see how others feel, please know there are so many others out here, some much older than you but feeling so much the same, you are not alone although I know it feels that way. I never thought I would ever have the need to write on a forum about it. Thank you for reading and my thoughts are with everyone feeling this way. 

Hi there,

Ive just lost my dad- 9 days ago now. He was 63, had bone  cancer and passed away in the hospice. Your post resonated with me because I've found losing him during covid has added an extra dimension to his loss. I only got to see him for one hour a week towards the end due to covid restrictions. During His last 24 hours he was only allowed 2 people by his bedside- I have two other sisters and my mum was there too so we had to take turns sitting with him. Losing someone is painful enough without the added stress of restrictions. My dad hadn't physically seen his grandchildren since March last year and couldn't get to say goodbye to them. He adored his grandchildren and they idolised their grandad. At one point the hospice nurses told us off when the four of us stood beside him as he was in his last hour. It's hard to reason with it all. When you Love someone, you want to make their death as easy as possible but that's hard when that person can't get to say goodbye to the people that matter most to them. I feel heartbroken for my beautiful dad that he had to go through that. The grief is all consuming x

KaceyB I'm so sorry to read about your lovely dad and my condolences. It sounds as if you have had a dreadful time and I do appreciate how devastating it has been for you all, and most of all your dad. It is so very early days for you, you just won't really be able to process it yet, you got into shock. I did, I think I went into survival mode and didn't know what people really meant about being numb until my dad died. It is 8 months since my dad died, feels like yesterday. I know how you feel about being heartbroken for your dad. I hope he didn't suffer very long. We didn't know my dad was dying, so I don't know if that made it worse or not. All I can say 8 months on is it does, strangely get better. The turning point for me was 6 months, I honestly felt I couldn't think about anything else until then, or sleep. I have found being gentle to myself, not expecting too much of myself and not dwelling on things unnecessarily has helped greatly. I remember my dad when it feels right, talk to him in my head and he pops up at random in my mind and I can see his expressions or hear his replies. I honestly am surprised at how I have begun to accept him no longer being here, especially to help my mum through it, as we were very close and I thought I could not live without him. He was my and our everything. But, I can, apparently live without him! So, believe me when I say your dad will live on in you and you will gain strength from that. Mine has left me fully capable of surviving, and I am so proud of that. It isn't always so great, I still have my ups and downs, but they are fewer and changing, I cry less and for shorter moments, but ultimately although I would have him back in a heartbeat, I wouldn't have him in that awful pain or distress. Although it doesn't feel like that now, you will feel the same when things aren't as raw.  I hope this helps a little and do message back. Thinking of you. 

Dear all,

Firstly, I am very sorry for all of your losses. Unfortunately I am also a member of this devastating club. My Dad passed away last month at the age of 74 and I just can't bear the sadness and pain. Especially as it was just so rapid we didn't even get the chance to process it. My Dad was at home and lost his appetite and started to bloat. After a week we made him go to A&E, which he was scared of due to covid. The next day he was diagnosed with primary liver cancer. We, as a family, then spent the next few days trying to get as much information as possible from the hospital and awaiting the prognosis and treatment options while my Dad was in hospital. Things then escalated massively and exactly a week to the day of diagnosis he passed away, with his whole family at his bedside.

My Dad was 37 when I was born and I am 37 now as he passed away. I miss him so much and it makes me feel so sad he had to go through this. I just don't know how I can get through this. Life has changed in an instant.

People mean well when they say be strong but I hate that saying. I don't want to be strong. I need to grieve and process what has happened. 

Thinking of you all that have gone through the passing of a parent. It's tough but we are in this together. I won't say be strong, I'll say, you just do you in your grief. 

This pretty much could be me that's typed that! I think we are of a similar timescale I lost Dad July 2020 , you describe how I am.

im getting thoughts that I'm becoming accustomed to him gone then a stomach turning thought that it's all final and quite awful.

I wanted a magic wand to do what I don't know as if I feel ok a feel bad and if I feel bad it's just not good long term for your body and mind. Being human is hard.

I want my dad back but he was ill and it happened quickly.

in a way it's good to know your not going mad and it's a process a lot of us are going through x 

I feel like those 'hit me' moments, it's really happened will never go away. One minute you're fine and the next it comes out of no where. My dad was buried and still now sometimes I will go and be fine and other days I'll just sit on the grass and sob, but I know I've come a little way as I used to sob every single time without fail. 
I've actually found the hardest part supported and worrying about my mum. 

That's why I come on here, it's a horrible comfort to know you're not alone. I always think, why hasn't it happened to other people I know and then I realise that it's happened to so many, I just don't know them. X 

I feel like those 'hit me' moments, it's really happened will never go away. One minute you're fine and the next it comes out of no where. My dad was buried and still now sometimes I will go and be fine and other days I'll just sit on the grass and sob, but I know I've come a little way as I used to sob every single time without fail. 
I've actually found the hardest part supported and worrying about my mum. 

That's why I come on here, it's a horrible comfort to know you're not alone. I always think, why hasn't it happened to other people I know and then I realise that it's happened to so many, I just don't know them. X 

I am sorry for your loss. Supporting my mum has taken all my spare time. I am on the phone most days, often an hour a day. It is very hard, but she has begun to turn a corner. We rarely talk abou dad on the phone, or cry. It is usually her relating her day. Probably yours will too. I have learnt that often, when I am worrying about her, she is on the phone to a friend! When I think she might be down, she isn't. It is easy to think you know how she feels but find out how wrong I was and how well she is doing, in comparison. Mums are much stronger than you think. Sending best wishes, take it easy.