Hi ... a little poem I think is apt for you ... hope it's o.k .. it's a poem I keep close to me .. when pain is new and raw ... says it all really ..  ...  ....

Don't ask me how I'm doing ......don't ask if I'm o.k ...  don't say they're in a better place ... you won't like what i say ....

No, time is not a healer ....and this was not gods will .....if he'd known how much I'd lost ...you'd still be here today ...

I won't try to be positive ...and it wasn't for the best ... my hearts in broken pieces ...and it hurts deep in my chest ...

Don't say , at least their out of pain ....well I'm not, and may never be ...their pain is gone, but mines still here  ...it's just passed on to me ...

Don't tell me, you know how I feel ...even though it may be true .... this grief is mine ... for whatever time ..it takes me to get through. . 

Hi kkkerry said it i  was justjthe same 24 hours a day you just cant cant get it out your head you go to bed its there waking on a morning is unbeleivable at first your numb after a few months it is worse doing things to blank it out makes it last longer at this moment in time nothing makes any sence everyones getting with life and we are there sat in agony your at the worst time but as i said you just have to hold on this rotton pain your in now does go your emotionaly exhausted and as the months go by you start to get your sanity back then you have the strenght to fight all these negative horrible feelings i was same at the beging with counciling i thought this is doing no good but i kept at it and slowly it did start to help i was irritated to i thought what did they know about my pain the thing is james they do so just hang on in there mate stick it out realy my friend theres not much else we can do so do your best see if you can find a bereavment group it all helps and eventualy this all consuming pain will dwindle .paul

Hi James 

How awfully sad - I’m so sorry about the loss of your lovely wife. I hate cancer. I was moved to tears when I read that you visit your wife everyday xx 

I was just interested in you seeing two counsellors xx is there a reason why you see two at the same time? xx building two therapeutic relationships at the same time may mean your therapy will not be as effective as it could be xx 

Also...I am sure it will be helpful for your therapist(s) to know about each other (if they don’t already) and to see your heartfelt post above. I think they’d like to know you’re feeling fed up and frustrated at the process. 

Therapy can feel like it’s not working for a bit until it starts to sink in xx 

Do you have any friends or family around you, James? Or do you like to keep yourself to yourself? This forum is a great place to come to anytime you’re in need of support....you can’t always be honest and open here without fear of any judgement xx

You’re doing great to cope as you are. When my Mum died and I was struggling, I picked up this quote from somewhere that said, “your success rate for getting through bad days so far is 100%”. It helped! Take care and hope to see you back here again soon x 

Hi,

The reason I am seeing two counsellors (seperately) is that one is through the local hospice, and the other has been arranged through my employer as I have been signed off from work with acute grief. 

The counselleor I am seeing through my employer is pretty much to tick the boxes to indicate that I am taking the help my employers have offered me with a view of returning to work at some point. Although some of what they say makes sense, I really feel uncomfortable in that environment.

I find the hospice counsellor to be more helpful though as they specialise in the cancer grief process.

I have lots of family around me, but we are all grieving in a different way so I don't like to burden them with my problems when they have their own to deal with.  Even though I have the family I feel so isolated because I have lost my companion in life, the person who I had planned to grow old with.

I feel like I've got to start all over again and I just can't do a life without my wife!

James

Hi James,

i know exactly how you feel. I lost the love of my life, my soul mate and best friend on October 6th 2018.  He was diagnosed in March 2018 and we were promised, chemo, radiotherapy, the works, but when it came to it, he wasn't well enough for any treatment.

I am I a fog, I'm not eating properly, I have no joy in anything I do. I cry every day. I have been to his grave only three times since he passed because it makes it to real, too final, then I cant cope at all. I feel like my life is over. In fact I'm not living, I'm existing. I am an only child, Mum and Dad are gone and we didn't have children. It was suggested I have counselling because I am pretty much on my own except for a couple of very supportive friends. 

It is a strange process, and I come out wondering exactly what I have got out of it. It seems to be a couple of days later, once I have reflected, that I gleam a little understanding of what is going on, and why I am acting and feeling the way I am. I even get the very very occasional light at the end of the tunnel. I really don't know how I am going to live without my husband forever, and I cant really think about it, but just being able to say whatever crazy notion is in my head, to someone who will not judge me and will let me rant is a kind of relief. They don't have the answers, they can't make things alright, but for an hour or so, you can drop the mask, be yourself, scream, cry, do whatever relieves this awful pain. 

This is a painful, and very long process we are going through. There are no short cuts, and no easy way of doing it, but do it we must. Coming on this forum, and talking to people who have the same pain as us helps too. Sadly we all want the same thing, and it's the one thing we can't have. 

One day at a time.

Take care James

love Heather. X

Hi James I'm sorry for your loss I lost my mum in August 2018 to sclc and brain Mets she was only 60 yrs old seeing my dad now is the hardest part they were together since mum was 14 yrs old he is so lost and nothing we do cheers him up I hope with time it gets easier for you.

Hi Heather

I feel the same as you and can fully understand how James feels as well.   Jim, my husband, was admitted to hospital on the 1st November 2018 and died on the 21st, diagnosed with lung cancer which had spread to his chest lymph nodes.  He was too ill to have chemo and cause of death was liver failure due to taking too much paracetemol to quell the intense pain he had in his chest.

Like you Heather, I am alone.  I moved to Scotland to be with Jim and have no family but only a few friends who have tried their best to be supportive although they have their own lives to live.

James, I can relate to how you feel as well.  My grief is all consuming and all I want to do is wake up from this never ending nightmare.  I visit his grave once a week to have a chat and to tell him how much I love him but it is distressing to see the grave as it becomes all too real that he passed and that this isn't a horrible dream I will wake up from.

Going shopping is an endurance test as I walk down the aisles and remember how he would enjoy trying to find a bargain or selecting strong flour for the bread he loved to make.   I try to hold back the tears and can't wait to get back to the car where I can get some privacy to hold my head in my hands and cry and cry.

We never had much but what we did have we always shared and he had endless love for me, as I did for him.

From being one half of a couple I am now single and alone and frightened.   I hope that you both get some peace as I hope I will one day, but somehow that day seems an awful long way away.

Wishing you all the best and hoping we all get through this terrible rollercoaster of emotions.

Debi

I am in the same pain as you, I wish I knew how to get through this pain but I can't. I just don't want to be here without James  I can't bear life without him. 

I know that he wouldn't want me to feel like this but for me this is no life without him in it

It's all a constant head smasher,  for some reason today I randomly recalled the exact moment my wife passed away, gasping for her last ever breaths! Ever since that memory popped into my head today I've been vividly playing it over and over again in my mind as if it's happening right there in front of me!  I am physically drained and exhausted from crying.  This grief business is hell on earth:(.

James

I know, I've been the same. James died on the Tuesday afternoon but on the Monday night he started a gurgling sound and the nurses came running, gasping trying to breathe all that night, keeps playing in my head on a loop. So hard to try and deal, cope with. Miss my love so so much x