my dear dad passed away on the 8th December, five short months after being diagnosed with lung cancer.
He was in terrible pain since diagnosis and I believe it may have spread to his brain at the end. He was only 63.
ive had four months off work to support my parents. I've been to all the hospital appointments, hospice twice daily when he went in for pain control. He was at home when he passed with his family but I keep repaying the moment in my mind. I was looked at to take control. I phoned the Gp and undertaker. I arranged the funeral and took his clothes. I visited him the chapel of rest and feel sick still. I read a eulogy at his funeral as no one else felt they could and I was terrified but got through. I carried his ashes to the cemetery and placed them in the ground. I did my best with everything I could as I wanted it right for him.
i have this knot in my chest....I've had a few tears but feel I need to be strong and pull it back but I can't seem to get rid of that knot. It's like it's there ready to explode. I've tried talking to my mum but don't want to upset her and feel like she closes me down when I try as her grief is worse than mine.
after the funeral I went straight into Christmas (I have 3 young boys) and did my best to mask everything but feel I've let them down even though my partner says they've had a great time.
I cant sleep, I just keep replaying moments in my head. Will it be like this forever? Will that knot always be there as I feel I can't breath....