Cancer Research UK main site

JUST MISSING MY HUSBAND SO MUCH

lockharta4
Offline

My darling Husband passed away on 28th of July, and I still can't bear the pain of this loss, I have cried each and every day at some point since he died, my heart is broken as Ian was my whole life. 

We knew one another for over 35 years and were married for 25 years, during which time we were never apart, barring his time in hospital and I was fortunate that I was able to bring him home for the last few days of his life as he wanted. 

He died whilst we sat together, holding hands, listening to his 60's music and the last thing he said to me was "I love you Ali", closed his eyes and he was gone.  Something so special yet brings me such heart ache when I relive this moment. I know things could have been so different, not such a 'nice' memory and people do say how lovely to go in such a way, but they don't seem to understand it was still the end of our time together and the way it happened does not make it any 'nicer'  or easier to cope with

As I have read on other posts, being told to keep yourself busy, doesn't really help

I am trying so hard to cope and have wonderful friends who try their best to help me. I feel I sometimes put on a brave face in front of them to put their minds at rest in the hope they feel that I am coping well.

It can be the simplest of things that can set me off, a song on the radio, going out for a walk and bumping into someone who asks where Ian is and how he's keeping, seeing a couple walking hand in hand like Ian and I always did, even an advert on the tv which he used to comment on.

There are so many firsts to come which I am dreading.  I have had my birthday without him and despite my friends making the most of it to try and make it a good day, I still came home, shut the door behind me and was alone.

Today I received several Christmas Cards sent to us both, which has really got to me and I am dreading the New Year and cannot bear the thought of this year ending and life moving on to a new year.

I know there will be people worse off than myself and I should be grateful for the wonderful memories I have, but I just don't seem to be getting out of the grief as I thought I would.

I am trying to express me feelings in words it for the first time, trying to speak and express how I feel to people who know what it is like as they are going through the same pain, basically it's like grasping at straws in the hope that it gives some comfort to the people I am talking to and in turn will give me some comfort too.

 

  • Offline in reply to wiggie1

    Hi sorry to hear that I have found that antidepressant tables do seem to help a little still get flashbacks but seem to knock the edge off the pain

  • Offline in reply to wiggie1

    Hi.  I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband. Unfortunately, everything you’re going through is normal and part of the grieving process. This doesn’t make it any easier I know. My husband passed away in December last year a week before Christmas. It was the worst time of my entire life. I also still have flashbacks of him taking his last breaths and that image and how I felt at that moment is indescribable . I miss my husband desperately every day but I think about what he would have wanted me to do and that is to take one day at a time, im sure all your days are terrible at the moment. I have bad days when I cry a lot and don’t want to do anything or see anyone. I just want my husband and nothing or no one else will do. Again that’s normal. You’re grief is personal to you and no one can say they know how you feel because it’s impossible for them to know. I could go on and on but all I can do is repeat what I said earlier, one day at a time. Take care of yourself. 

     

    Gillian x

  • Offline in reply to Newb

    Last night I was in bed and had a dream that my wife came over kissed me and patted my arm it was like all my Christmases had come at once but can't understand the meaning of it instead of a cuddle just a pat on the arm still happy but wondering . this has only happens once before. right at the start of my bereavement does anyone know meaning

  • Offline in reply to newyorknewyork

    Hi Gillian, I am sorry hear about your loss, it is comforting to know someone truly understands.

    i am usually a fairly strong person but this pain is something I never believed I could experience. Jeff and I were so wrapped up in each other that we did not need anybody else in our lives, of course that leaves me alone and totally isolated, I just want all this pain to end.

    In the last six weeks, the only time I have been out of the house is to go to the funeral or the doctors, I did try to go to the local supermarket but ended up crying hysterically in the middle of the shop.  So now just spend my time in the spare bedroom staring into space or having a meltdown, can’t face being in the room where my brave man fought so hard to stay with me.

    I am so sorry, this all sounds so self indulgent when you are facing your own sadness, but I just want it all to stop.

    Thank you for listening, take care.

    Ruth x

     

     

     

  • Offline in reply to Newb

    Hi, I don’t know if there is any particular meaning but what a wonderful experience, I am so happy for you, enjoy the fact that your wife kissed and touched you, let you know she was there, to reassure you.  Don’t try to over analyse it or the emotional simplicity may be lost. I can only hope that I may be as fortunate as you, that my partner will help ease my pain.

    Take care x

     

  • Offline in reply to wiggie1

    Thank you so much I hope you have a visit to so reassuring

  • Offline in reply to zeb69

    Hi Zeb69 

    I too lost my husband on 9th September 2019 to cancer which happened so suddenly unexpected.  I have two teenage children one now at uni and find it really hard to come to terms with . I cry every day as we were so close and had been together 26yrs he was only 54. We were looking forward to having our time together.  I am now just taking it day by day and only working 2 days a week it really turns your world upside down . I cannot look at myself the same anymore. We decided to get a puppy which has been a great help like having another child ! Please keep in touch maybe and keep strong 

    Gemna

  • Offline

    I’m so sorry I know the pain I lost my husband if 50 back in March I can’t stop crying I love and miss him so much he passed away suddenly in front of me I don’t know how to live without him I’m so lonely 

  • in reply to whitnell

    Hi whitnell,

    I just wanted to reply to say you're not alone and we're thinking of you. As you can see there are others on this forum going through something similar, so do continue to use this forum as much as is helpful for you to speak to others.

    There is always help available should you need it, but as I say we're all here for you.

    Take care of yourself,

    Ben
    Cancer Chat Moderator

  • Offline

    My partner and myself had been together for 46 years. In 2017 he had blood in his urine but wouldn't go to the doctors until it was too late. He was also starting to get dementia. He had an op in February but the cancer had spread. On August 10th we were told he had 6 to 12 months left. He was so optimistic but a week later he developed a blood clot in the tubes going to the kidneys and nothing could be done. His kidneys failed. We weren't ready for this. He was on so many drugs he didn't know what was going on, but I stood over him and he opened his eyes and said my name and that he loved me. That was the last thing he ever said. He died 2 days later on September 1st 2018. When I woke up next day I felt like was the only person on the earth, I just stood at the window staring at the sky. l felt so empty. Please take this as a warning, if you see any blood in your urine, go to the doctors as fast as possible. I miss him so much. 

Speak to a nurse

Quick links

Follow us

Registered with Fundraising Regulator (logo)
Cancer Research UK is a registered charity in England and Wales (1089464), Scotland (SC041666), the Isle of Man (1103) and Jersey (247). A company limited by guarantee. Registered company in England and Wales (4325234) and the Isle of Man (5713F). Registered address: 2 Redman Place, London, E20 1JQ.