Hi Ali

I just keep reading your post over and over again, from time to time as it resonates so much with what I am going through.

It has been 5 months since the death of my husband and like yourself, there have been so many 'firsts'.  What I can't get my head round and what I keep asking myself is how could it have happened from diagnosis to death in less than 3 weeks.  I still reel from the shock and suddeness of the whole sorry saga and keep playing over in my head asking if the clues were there but not picked up.

Like you, I shed a tear each day.   The door closes behind me and I am alone with memories for company and the thought of going through the rest of my life never to hear his voice or his laugh is just so painful.   Sadness has become a normal emotion as I have forgotten what it feels like to look forward to something whether it be a simple run in the car with a picnic or just enjoying a weekend together.

I really hope you, me and everybody else on this forum finds some sort of closure so that we can at the very least pick up our lives again and find some sort of normality.   It really is like living in a parallel universe where the sights and sounds are so familiar but with one huge difference; the love of our lives has gone forever.   

Take care Ali.   My thoughts are with you and with everybody else who is suffering.

Best wishes

Debi

Hi Debbie,

It is for the first time tonight that I read any posts and we all seem to have a tragic, cruel and hard tale at the hands of cancer.

It is not quite 6 months since my darling husband died in horrid circumstances and I too feel numb and living in someone else’s desperate life. Every day I mechanically do what I think I should but without joy, purpose or pleasure. I can even laugh at people’s stories without being aware I do it. I’m completely anesthetised to life.

I don’t believe there is any answer and the pain must be endured no matter how great it is. 

I wait and wait and then wait some more. For what I do not know. Do I have times when I think he may come home? The answer is yes no matter how ridiculous a notion I know it is. 

Please accept my sympathies my dear x

Hi there 

i am am so sorry to hear of the loss of your husband. I lost my husband Howard on 17 December last year. When I read your post it could have been me who had written it. I feel exactly the same. My husband was 66 still too young. He was fit and health before cancer.We had lots of plans for the future but to.no avail; we lost such a lot because of this awful disease. I miss him every second but most of all I miss not having him here to talk to to cry with to laugh with and to hear him say, we’re alright aren’t wehe was such a brave strong man.

Sadly, life goes on and you have to sink or swim and I know what he would want me to do. But it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Some days I wake up and wonder how I’m going to get through the day and I genuinely feel physical pain. I’m sure you know what I mean. It doesn’t get easier you just get constant reminders every in everything you do. I may learn to live with it one day but I will never get over it, never. So, although everyone’s grief is personal to them, I understand you must be feeling and my heart goes out to you. Anytime you want a chat I’m here to listen. Take care. Gillian x

Hi Gillian

I am so sorry too for the loss of your husband. 

Thank you for taking the time to reply and for your kind words, which have brought tears to my eyes. I can relate to all you have written.

This is the toughest thing I have ever had to face, and without my protector and best friend, it makes it all the more difficult. To know we are not alone is a comfort, but also so sad as this cruel disease has taken so much from so many.

I may take you up on that chat!

Lots of love

Mel xxx

Thanks for replying to me.

Taking baby steps and doing anything that helps to relieve the 

unbearable pain is all I can do.

Bringing up our teenage daughters alone is a scary feeling 

and I feel like I’m the worst mum in the world to support them 

right now when they need it most. It breaks my heart 

to see them getting on with life without their father.

That awful disease has taken our family’s happiness and security in a way that can never be replaced.

 I know how you feel and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy 

x

Hi I lost my wife June this year we only had a few day and no time to talk very much as I was in the middle of radiotherapy as well losing my wife half way through my treatment was devastating my children frog marched me to the rest of the radiotherapy she was always a happy woman and my soul mate I don't know about you but I will never get over her loss even in tears now at work I had a bird box put up at the crematorium where I go every weekend I write a live letter to her and post it in the bird box I just wish the pain would go away sorry for the rant a bad day

Hi, I am new to this site but I am feeling so desperate, all I want to do is close my eyes and not wake up! I lost my wonderful partner 16th August , due to mistakes by doctors, cause of death has not yet been ascertained, although he was suffering with a particularly aggressive cancer.  One week from being told to his death.  I sat with him for 9hrs the night he died, it wasn’t peaceful and I can’t get those awful images out of my head.  I scream and cry for him every day, all day.  I am completely exhausted and can see no life without him.

it was my wonderful man’s funeral yesterday and today the grief is terrible.  We had no children, He had children from his first marriage, but now the funeral is over I know there will be no further support from them.

I can’ t carry on with this post anymore at the moment, we were terribly private people and sharing feelings is alien to me.

Sorry.

Hi I'm so sorry for your loss weight some one told me the flashbacks of my wife dying were part of the greaving process it is horrible isn't it my wife passed in June I'm hoping that they ease a little soon I'm exhausted with them

Sorry for the spelling the phone has a mind of its own 

Hi, Sorry for your loss, 

I know that people tell me that the flashbacks will fade but it seems like they are on repeat, just going round in my head all day and night.  I can’t seem to do anything, I just don,t want to get out of bed, nothing means anything anymore. I stay in one room so Idon’t have to face too many reminders of my soulmate. How on earth does anybody cope with this awful longing ang emptiness. I cry so much my head hurts, I just want to be with him.

Hi sorry to hear that I have found that antidepressant tables do seem to help a little still get flashbacks but seem to knock the edge off the pain

Hi.  I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband. Unfortunately, everything you’re going through is normal and part of the grieving process. This doesn’t make it any easier I know. My husband passed away in December last year a week before Christmas. It was the worst time of my entire life. I also still have flashbacks of him taking his last breaths and that image and how I felt at that moment is indescribable . I miss my husband desperately every day but I think about what he would have wanted me to do and that is to take one day at a time, im sure all your days are terrible at the moment. I have bad days when I cry a lot and don’t want to do anything or see anyone. I just want my husband and nothing or no one else will do. Again that’s normal. You’re grief is personal to you and no one can say they know how you feel because it’s impossible for them to know. I could go on and on but all I can do is repeat what I said earlier, one day at a time. Take care of yourself. 

Gillian x

Hi.  I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband. Unfortunately, everything you’re going through is normal and part of the grieving process. This doesn’t make it any easier I know. My husband passed away in December last year a week before Christmas. It was the worst time of my entire life. I also still have flashbacks of him taking his last breaths and that image and how I felt at that moment is indescribable . I miss my husband desperately every day but I think about what he would have wanted me to do and that is to take one day at a time, im sure all your days are terrible at the moment. I have bad days when I cry a lot and don’t want to do anything or see anyone. I just want my husband and nothing or no one else will do. Again that’s normal. You’re grief is personal to you and no one can say they know how you feel because it’s impossible for them to know. I could go on and on but all I can do is repeat what I said earlier, one day at a time. Take care of yourself. 

Gillian x

Hi Gillian, I am sorry hear about your loss, it is comforting to know someone truly understands.

i am usually a fairly strong person but this pain is something I never believed I could experience. Jeff and I were so wrapped up in each other that we did not need anybody else in our lives, of course that leaves me alone and totally isolated, I just want all this pain to end.

In the last six weeks, the only time I have been out of the house is to go to the funeral or the doctors, I did try to go to the local supermarket but ended up crying hysterically in the middle of the shop.  So now just spend my time in the spare bedroom staring into space or having a meltdown, can’t face being in the room where my brave man fought so hard to stay with me.

I am so sorry, this all sounds so self indulgent when you are facing your own sadness, but I just want it all to stop.

Thank you for listening, take care.

Ruth x