So sorry about that is that what the counciling you had was for.we lost a grandson to you must have been ditraught my middle daughter says ime her hero dosant life throw some rotton things our way i dont know how we dont go bonkers but we carry on .you must be a great confort to oneanother i know its a bit of a clesh'e but your hubands in your daughter is there a resemblance  its it young to loose a dad but the diffrence i found in griefe is that awfull lonelyness we feel . I never beleived it but things happend after liz passed good things that defie explanation i cant cant go into it now as would take to long but if you feel like it sometime have a look back at my posts . Many have had these things happen some scoff at it but i dont they made me feel better for a while. May suggest you take photoes etc out of your bedroom just for a while or sleep in a spare room if your sleeping badly not having reminders there may help till you get emotionaly stronger as it realy exhausts us and lack of sleep makes it far worse but i can tell your a smart strong lady you will know that .all these things i suggest are only what worked for me .this time of year put all the lights on in the house have it as bright as you can these dark nights dont help .

You will not think it now but you will we have to for our kids and grandkids just try and hold on to that thought . It will keep you going 

Actually I just read through your post I see you have found things hard especially with the family. I'm so sorry about that. 

Find things so hard right now that even though I love seeing the grandchildren it was always me and James that use to take them out together. He was my rock. I feel so lost and scared without him. He use to drive everywhere. Even though I do drive its only to work I hate driving. James was a HGV driver. 

I feel so week vulnerable and alone. 

Pathetic 

Funeral /cremation is on Tuesday. Don't feel I can get through it. James is coming home on Monday afternoon 

He was only 58. Pancreatic cancer. So much pain . I know I did everything I could but still feels like not enough I couldn't take away all his pain.

Wish it would have been me

He was a wonderful man would do anything for anyone gave so much and expect nothing in return want to be with him

Yes had some disapointments especialy with lizs daughter espescialy after all there care and love i gave to her and liz but thats life didnt make it easier checked all lizs stats i knew when liz was ill befor she did nearly lost her two years before with sonmething else if i hadnt insisted on ringing ambulance that would have been it i spent hours studying but i never thought liz would have a stroke but i knew what it was but the sepsis took her quick .but no pain i have to be thankfull fore that .for some weeks i felt how am i going to cope i have mild dislexia and a pen to me is like picking up a hot poker but you get stronger and start to manage again our brains will not let us stop this way every month you get a bit stronger .if your anxiatys to bad have a word with youe gp they can give something short term that helps a bit. What a horrible thought to stay the way we are when we first loose a love its unimagiable if it gets to bad ring the samaritans just chatting for a short time calmed me down i think it takes strengh to do that but they have spoken to many and most know what to say or just listen ime in my sixtys i have no qualmes about admitting it and ime a big guy could take anything but if enough preshers on the strongest of walls it will fall over . Ime quite happy to listen and we are chatting i hope its helping a bit its getting it out dont you think thats what my counciler did ime rubbish compared to her so please try the counciling again .there will be others come along to chat to you theres sosome realy kind people here some may message later as people frm canada mexico  america come on here for help to to help

I cant keep up your very quick this i going to be a bad time or maybe not we are all so diffrent try not to be alone if you can we need to be alone at times but i dont think so at a time like that and having someone there will realy help but thats only how i feel please dont start putting blame on yourself you did everything you could i know pancreatic cancers one of the worst if the drs couldnt stop james pain how could you we blame ourselves but blame the cancer that rotten disease is to blame .it will become evident that you did everything when you get emotionaly stronger . This is what happend to me ime chatting to you about james and it seven months since i lost my love so i must be thinking something right but it still hurts but it helps to help you i hope .ime going to have to go down now talk tommorow if you feel like it come on there will be otheres on here that will be only to happy to have a chat thats the beuty of this site so try and get some sleep if you can take a warm drink when you go to bed see if you can pick up a book or just think of a time thats funny that you had in the motorholme i know theres allways some things that happend happend on sites one you must know is whatching putting up awnings and falling out etc i think most of the site chuckle watching that so goodnight to you hope you can sleep .paul

Right at this moment in time I really don't want to go on without James by my side x