Hey [@starcatone]‍ !

Late reply i know, i am learning to find some 'me' time and i'm valuing the importance of it. 

So in general i have been feeling strong, sometimes i feel guilty about feeling strong but deep down i know Dad never wanted me to be sad and he did tell me to be 'more resillient' during his final days, and that's what i'm doing. The last couple of days i've felt emotional. I had a dream about him still being alive and today i listened to some of his favourite songs and that bought it all back. The emotions seem more controlled these days and i'm able to deal with them better but i haven't got to the stage yet where the happy memories are at the forefront of my mind. The images of him deteoriating are still raw and very vivid. 

Dad used to take trout home during his younger years but he mostly fished for the fun of it all. He really did love it.

Training is going good thank you, i've never been so motivated. You know when people talking about an event in their lives that changed their outlook on things forever? i think that's happening to me. I've always liked to keep fit but losing Dad has really made me want to push my boundaries. Tough mudder, is literally TOUGH! Well done! I think setting goals are good and it's healthy for the mind.

So how are you doing? I hope life is treating you well.

Rich

Hello there, Rich! 

Great to hear from you! No problem - you can come here whenever you feel like it - it’s always nice to hear from you! 

I get you when you say you’re feeling strong. This was also my experience and was...surprising to me. I remember being concerned that I was feeling strong after Mum died....I wondered if that was normal, if I should be crying more and started to feel guilty when I saw members of my Thai family (who didn’t see Mum often) in absolute pieces over her passing. I was like...well if they’re like that....why am I not? There must be something amiss here! 

I now understand that this was completely normal and experienced by many other people who have lost loved ones. Some...like you and I...can respond like this. I worried that it might just all hit me at once - it didn’t. A friend also told me it would all hit me at her funeral which caused a lot of anxiety for me...but that didn’t happen either. 

And so...please don’t worry about how you’re feeling - just go with it. And...certainly don’t have any guilt - like you say - your Dad wouldn’t want that. There is just no way he would want that. He would want you to be as you are now....and I would bet anything that he is exceptionally proud of you for being so strong and focused. 

Like you, I also had wobbly moments. To be expected, of course. A dream....a favourite song (even though I’m out of the other end of grief, there is one of her favourite songs I can’t listen to still today...we put it on and danced together once...ouch)....a smell....anything can trigger off the memory and huge feeling of loss. This is all very recent and raw for you. And I know the memories of your Dad as he was deteriorating will be haunting....but my experience is that this very much wears off. I don’t think about my Mum being ill....well, no - a thought pops in to my head occasionally of her deteriorating....but that isn’t like a dagger to the heart like it used to be. Not at all. It causes some reaction...but nowhere near like the early days. 

It will be like this for you too. You guys will be able to sit together and laugh and smile at the memories of your Dad without it hurting. 

Hey so pleased your training is going well! Wow - yes I know what you mean about a life changing event that impacts on the way you will live your life forever! It’s really good for grief, exercise. I ran a lot after Mum died and that helped a great deal - really. I remember I had a day where I was angry at her dying (I rarely feel anger and so this was worrying for me). I have never run as well as I did on that day - a fair few miles at a really good pace and felt really good afterwards! 

So how often are you training and what have you been doing? I went for a lovely walk yesterday - had to take shelter in a ditch the hailstones were so bad! Thankfully, it turned into a lovely day, sun and blue sky down the canal xx 

Not good weather for fishing here today but a random, lovely thought just popped into my mind that it’s a gorgeous day and your Dad has found a lovely spot by the lake in heaven and is having a right good time too (he’ll throw the fish back in!) 

take good care - lovely to hear from you - please do come back anytime! xxxxx

I’m so sorry to hear about your dad I have just lost my dad three weeks ago today to cancer I helped my mum care for dad at home he had oesophagas cancer four years ago had major surgery to remove his oesophagas stomach and spleen he couldn’t eat or drink after the surgery for 18 months as his remaining oesophagas came out his neck into a stoma bag he was fed through jejonostomy tube and pump he then had another big op to rejoin his remaining oesophagas with a piece of colon transplanted into his neck and could eat and drink again but Christmas just gone he had back pain that was getting worse he had scans and biopsies taken and we found out in March the cancer was back it’s so sad to see someone you love so much lose so much weight and be in pain because of cancer my dad couldn’t swallow his medication and the nurses put dad on a driver on Easter Sunday he passed away that evening my dad was talking to use an hour before he died and was able to understand everything we was saying the nurse told me that once dad was on driver he would sleep and wouldn’t speak mutch but my dad did sleep but spoke to us up to an hour before he died I was thinking does the driver cause patients to die quicker nurse told me that’s not the case but I’m not so sure 

Hi Chell.

I'm so sorry to hear about your father. It sounds like he was a strong man and was fighting until the very end. It's both heartbreaking and infuriating that cancer does this to our loved ones. When i read your post, just like all the other posts on this topic, i can relate fully to them. It's been 6 months since Dad passed and i miss him every day, he was my pal. I've had some real down times as you may have seen on the previous posts but even though the pain never goes away, you do learn how to deal with it better. Posting on here has helped, people who haven't been through what we have don't fully understand as they don't feel our pain (it's not their fault). We're all here if you need to talk.

Regarding the driver, i've had 6 months to really think about the effects it had. I'm still a little bit on the fence. Yes it takes their pain away but unlike your father, mine couldn't speak for the whole 3 days he was on it. Having said that, he did give us signals that he could hear us so that made us feel a little better. In all honety, i do think it makes them pass quicker due to the dehidration but what's important to remember is that when they're put on the driver, it's a nessecity due to the pain they they're in. Dad was ready, i'm sure of that and his last days were made comfortable for him. With all the money given to cancer research i just wish there were other ways to help/cure this disease.

Hang in there. Dad passing was the hardest thing i've ever gone through but it has made me a stronger person and i'm now pushing boundaries i never thought i would. We're here Chell

Hey there!

How are you doing?

As always, your post resonates with me. Just to let you know, you were right. The pain is always there but i'm beggining to deal with it better. Thank you for all your advice and kind words.

Training is going great thank you. Have taken part in my first practice open water swims ready for the event in 4 weeks (16th June, Fathers Day).

Your walk down the canal sounds great. I like canals, there's something peaceful about them and they contain a lot of history.

I hope you're doing good :)

My dad was also a very healthy man.cancer spread very quickly..we were lucky enough to get him home and a few says later he passed....he became over half the size of the man I knew...being in a clincal position  did not prepare me for seeing my dad loose his strength and life...his last few days I laid next to him with my head on his chest listening to his heart struggling to beat...he didn't make the syring driver. The day before he died he was agitated and very uncomfortable...I will never forget those last few hours and they haunt me..all I can think about is putting my head on his chest and not hearing his heart beat anymore...it's been 5 months and still not a day goes easier...feel the pain, don't feel guilty for being Sad, don't hide away from your feelings it will only post pone what you need to experience...my dad was my world...I will never let him go xx

Hi there, i'm really sorry for your loss. It's an overly used term but i really do know what you went through and you are going through. The deteriation of someone that was so strong and bought you up is the hardest thing you will ever see, nobody understands until they have to face what we did. My dad was also very aggitated during his final days, it was unbearable to witness. Those thoughts are slowly being put to the back of my mind and i'm trying to put the good thoughts to the front. I now laugh at our memories and his comedic ways, that's how he would want to be remembered. 

Cherish those good memories with your father, they're priceless. I hope you're doing as well as can be expected

Hi Gonefishing

When my mum died 30 years ago they put in a syringe driver and we really werent told how quickly it would sedate her and because of this my brother didnt get to see her awake again before she died, I'm so sorry to hear that this can still be happening to people.

At the moment we are facing the possibilty of my husband not having too much time left, he was diagnosed with stage 4 Lung with spinal mets at the age of 54 in October, last week we found out it has spread to his brain.

Reading your post is heartbreaking but i thank you because it has reminded me of what happened to us and to make sure that before it could happen again that especially our daughter has her time with him before he dies.

Yes they are great devices because they let our loved ones die without pain but i know to this day my brother is still affected by what happened.

XX

Hi Missaloy,

First of all, i'm really sorry to hear about your mum and what you, your husband and your family are going through at this moment. Until cancer effects people close to you, you really don't understand the destructivness of it. Your husband is young and it's heartbreaking to hear your story. 

Regarding the driver, i really do not know what to think of them, even to this day but i do take comfort that my Dad was not in pain when he passed. What hurts me more and also angers me, my Dad was in hospital for a month and they didn't control his pain. I hope your husband is made as comfortable as possible.

I'm hear to talk, we all are. Take care

So sorry to hear your dad was in pain in hospital. My husband was in hospital for 3 days last week and they wouldnt let him self administer or let me do it but when we asked for something for pain we sometimes had to wait for ages, I know they are busy and i dont like to critise nurses because they work so hard but for patients who administer their drugs at home every day there should be something in place so they are never in pain.

As you have said you're hear to talk, so am I, no matter what age you are its never easy to lose a parent. X