Hello reading your post i felt i had to respond in the hope i could in some way help you with your feelings at this dreadful time of loss for you . 

My late husband had a shocking diagnosis of Cancer of the tongue at the age of 45,he was a non smoker and non drinker ,habits often associated with this form of Cancer. He was a fit,healthy and active teacher and a father of three children,a lovely husband and family man.

His only initial sympton was an ulcer on his tongue that would not heal .Following a biopsy he started treatment ,radio therapy and chemotherapy ,both had a devastating affect on him ,in the 9 months from his initial diagnosis he lost his speech,his weight went down to under 8 stone from 13 stone ,the tumour was so aggressive that despite a reduction in its size it began to grow again as soon as the treatment stopped . 

We decided for him to not go to a hospice where end of life care was offered but  for him to come home to be with us his family .

He thank fully had a syringe driver ,initially he was able to control it himself administering the Morphine  as he needed it ,this was good ,it gave him pain relief and an important element of control in his life and what was happening to him. As he could not speak he wrote ,his diary is very precious to me as it shows how he was feeling about things as well as communications between him,me and the children and him in his dying weeks . He expressed very positive thoughts about his  syringe driver and felt very grateful to be able to have it at home. 

Yes he became more sleepy ,less agitated ,but he was not in pain,his breathing became less difficult and he then could no longer self administer and a graded dose was administered by the syringe driver.

He had the syringe driver at home for almost three months ,we saw him very slowly dissapear before our eyes ,i was with him 24/7 i was very grateful for the syringe driver as was my husband ,knowing he had no pain ,

He became more and more sleepy,the day he no longer could grip my hand or those of our childrens i knew he was going into a deeper state os sleep ,i know he could hear and believe to this day he could hear us all, right up to his last breaths. 

Without the syringe driver my husband would not have had a pain free last few weeks of his life,he would not have been so at peace with the process of dying within himself ,he would have suffered .

You asked about other`s opinions of syringe drivers ,i can only speak of my experence and how both my husband and i felt about it ,

You say you felt using a syringe driver was a "slow inhumane " way of dying for me i felt it was a slow humane way of dying ,howver in saying that my husband wrote he wanted to spend as much time as he possibly could at home with us all ,he was desperate to be with his children ,he even wrote in three books he asked me to buy for his future Grand children a sentence each gifting them to his yet unborn Grand children from himself ,bearing in mind his own children were all still at school and one at university . That is how much he did not want to die despite him knowing he was,we had so many plans for the future .

Our children like you witnessed their father dying ,i woke them on the sunday morning when i could see his breathing was very irregular ,we all sat on his bed and watched him take those last few gentle breaths ,he died peacefully,without pain with his beloved family there ,if a death has to be then this was the way it should be . 

One of my husband`s wishes was that on his death i should buy a syringe driver for our local hospital in his memory ,he was so grateful for the one he had ,they had limited supply for patient`s at home .This i did in his name and hoped other`s could choose to go home if they wanted ,who did not want hospice care with the knowledge they would not be in pain having this device.

This all happened 25 yrs ago now ,i do  as do my now grown up children remember all that happened ,you will never forget ,but please be ressured your father`s death would have been a very different one with out his syringe driver ,however hard it was for you seeing him slowly die he died without pain ,that is important to hold onto always .

As to Euthenasia ,i believe we should have it available in this country to those who choose this ,i would choose this way of dying if i knew i was going to die ,despite all i have said to you about my late husband`s choice . 

I have remarried,have as i say three grown up children now with families of their own ,i have 8 wonderful Grand Children so have a lot to live for ,but that would be my personal choice if i had a terminal diagnosis.

I will later talk to you about coping with loosing a much loved father ,my children were 14,17 and 21 at the time of loosing their Dad if it would perhapd help ?

Hi [@shrubbery]‍ 

Your story is so very heartbreaking and powerful. I'm sorry for the loss of your husband 25 years ago. It sounds like he was a good man who had his family at heart. Very much like my father.

The fact that he was able to write struck a chord as that what i wanted my father today but he went from being able to communicate fully to not being able to communicate at all as soon as the driver was administered. This is heartbreaking to me as it was as if his sole had gone even though physically he was still breathing.

There is no question that the driver helped my dads pain as the cancer was so powerful that he was unable to live with it any longer. I just wish there was a way to manage the pain but at the same time, enable him to talk, drink and eat. A long shot i know.

My father believed in Euthenasia and i beleive that people who are sane enough to do so should be able to make that choice. 

I very much appreciate your response and advice. It's time like these that the good people really shine through.

Hello again ,i cannot even begin to think how shocking it was for you to have such a dramatic loss of communication with your father ,from being able to communicate to not ,in such a short space of time, For you it must have been like loosing your Dad but still having him there but not there . Towards the end of my husbands life i felt as if we had lost the essence of him ,his soul as you describe ,it was a gradual loss to a point where it is almost as if it is the bodily shell of them not the actual person. 

For us it was a slow gradual process of us letting go of him and he of us ,so what you experienced must have been very shocking and painful for you . Again all i can think of saying is the morphine used in the syringe driver is essentially for pain relief but with that cognitive ability is affected,eating,drinking and breathing difficulties are eased . All the things your Dad needed to help him ,that is what you muct hold onto . I know if he believed in Euthenasia it was very definatley the right choice for him ,that has to be your comfort despite your heart break .

Now and of course it is such early days for you ,you will go over and over in your mind all your feelings,loss,regret,anger,disbelief a confusing  mis -.mash of exhausting almost constant draining grief .You will get lots of advice on how to cope from many well meaning people ,sometimes you will not want anyone eventalking to you let alone advising or trying their best to comfort you . I would like to share advice with you on how we all coped and are still coping all these years later but of course it may not be your way . Just say if you want me to share our coping story . 

You have already made a good start by just sharing your feelings .

Carole.

Hello again ,i cannot even begin to think how shocking it was for you to have such a dramatic loss of communication with your father ,from being able to communicate to not ,in such a short space of time, For you it must have been like loosing your Dad but still having him there but not there . Towards the end of my husbands life i felt as if we had lost the essence of him ,his soul as you describe ,it was a gradual loss to a point where it is almost as if it is the bodily shell of them not the actual person. 

For us it was a slow gradual process of us letting go of him and he of us ,so what you experienced must have been very shocking and painful for you . Again all i can think of saying is the morphine used in the syringe driver is essentially for pain relief but with that cognitive ability is affected,eating,drinking and breathing difficulties are eased . All the things your Dad needed to help him ,that is what you muct hold onto . I know if he believed in Euthenasia it was very definatley the right choice for him ,that has to be your comfort despite your heart break .

Now and of course it is such early days for you ,you will go over and over in your mind all your feelings,loss,regret,anger,disbelief a confusing  mis -.mash of exhausting almost constant draining grief .You will get lots of advice on how to cope from many well meaning people ,sometimes you will not want anyone eventalking to you let alone advising or trying their best to comfort you . I would like to share advice with you on how we all coped and are still coping all these years later but of course it may not be your way . Just say if you want me to share our coping story . 

You have already made a good start by just sharing your feelings .

Carole.