Hello my lovely

My eyes are welling up just reading your post as feel totally the same. My dad died just over 3 weeks ago and I'm struggling so much to think I won't see or hear him again. He was truly my hero and such a brave man. His journey was long but he didnt refuse any treatment offered, he justed wanted as long as he could with his family.  I don't understand God's logic as he was such a kind man. Everywhere I look, it's Christmas and I'm dreading it but the show must go on as they say because I have two excited 7 year olds and I've got to think of them too.  I cry several times a day and struggle to sleep, playing back his illness in my head wondering if anyone could have done more. Life seems very cruel at the moment and I'm so sad, I don't know if I'll ever laugh again. Very cliche...but I really do think as we were so close, a part of me has died with him. I feel sorry for my children as their happy mummy has no enthusiasm for anything. I hope it's true and I wish that we all feel better with time. Sending hugs x

Hi,

thank you so much for your response, I too play back in my head, my mum dying and the sound of her breathing. I can’t seem to get it out of my head. I can’t wait for the day when all I think about is the happy times we shared and not the cancer life. I loved my mum so much. It’s so comforting to know your not on your own with the feelings you have. I’m so sorry for the loss of your lovely dad. My mum fought till the very end to stay with her children, even when she passed a tear rolled down her cheek. Those moments will stay with me forever. I truly hope we will all somehow learn to cope with our heartbreak. I hope your taking enough time to grieve and taking care of yourself. I’m not sure if you feel the same but I’m constantly looking for signs from my mum, believing she would never just leaves us. Sending you big hugs xxx

Hi,

thank you so much for your response, I too play back in my head, my mum dying and the sound of her breathing. I can’t seem to get it out of my head. I can’t wait for the day when all I think about is the happy times we shared and not the cancer life. I loved my mum so much. It’s so comforting to know your not on your own with the feelings you have. I’m so sorry for the loss of your lovely dad. My mum fought till the very end to stay with her children, even when she passed a tear rolled down her cheek. Those moments will stay with me forever. I truly hope we will all somehow learn to cope with our heartbreak. I hope your taking enough time to grieve and taking care of yourself. I’m not sure if you feel the same but I’m constantly looking for signs from my mum, believing she would never just leaves us. Sending you big hugs xxx

Hi Millymoo22

I read your post and I wanted to say I know what you mean about watching your mum dying and the breathing. My mum passed away 26 September and I felt like I was going mad going over the day. Even though the district nurses said she wasn't in any pain, I keep thinking of how she seemed to be gasping for breath but she had slipped into unconsciousness so I think she wasn't in distress. I want to talk about mum but I feel people around who are not family, probably makes them uncomfortable and of course, they can't appreciate how I am feeling. I look for signs as well, my brother had a butterfly in their home, very strange, some people say they can feel their loved one's spirit around them but I haven't felt that, I wish I could, I miss mum so much, haven't yet reached the stage where I can talk about her without the tears. 

So sorry for your loss, I know how you feel, its just horrible, sorry, the days are up and down and today hasn't been good.

Take care... 

Hi Linda, first of all I’d like to say so sorry your going through the same, we shouldn’t be going through this. 

I feel the same, I’m starting to feel like everyone is thinking why don’t she just get over it now. I keep reliving the days leading up to my mums passing, especially when I tried to make mum comfy and she ended up breathing worse. The district nurse said she wasn’t in pain or struggling but it certainly looked like she was. It just breaks my heart to think about those days. I often hope my mum is with me, when we left the chapel of rest after seeing my mum a white butterfly flew between us and for days after we saw them everywhere we went. Butterflies are spiritual so believe mum is with me whenever I see one. I hope one day our feelings will ease and we can talk about our loved ones with laughter instead of tears. Take care Linda. Always here if you ever need a chat xx

Hi Millymoo,

Thank you for your reply, I think everything we're feeling is normal, its testament to the love we had for our mum's that makes the grief so overwhelming. Strange that the only person that could really make me feel any better isn't here. I'm older at 55 but I feel like a little girl again who wants her mum.My husband tries to comfort me and it upsets him to see me so sad so I try not to talk too much about mum in front of him.

We had a family party yesterday for my great-nephew who was 8, probably a bit noisy for dad!....but good for him to get out of the house and hard as it is, our family are trying to deal with our loss and continue with 'normal' life. Had tears when my neice cooked some cakes that my mum used to make, you can't control it, tears just fall but that's ok. Keep thinking how my mum would be heartbroken to see us all so sad, she would understand but want us to not carry the grief forever. 

I'm the last person to give advice at the moment but please try not to dwell on the days leadng up to your mum's passing, we have to trust that the medical staff knew the best for our mum's but I know it's so difficult.  You are right, we will get to a stage....and there's no timeframe, no right or wrong way, that we will think of our mums with laughter and warm memories....there will probably be occasions of tears still but it will get easier, our mum's spirit will get us there.

Christmas will be a hurdle, we have a lot of 'firsts' to get through, a day at a time.

I hope today is a better day for me and you and your family....take care x

Hi Millymoo,

Just wondered how you were doing? Life seems to pass so quickly and takes our mum's further away yet missing mum never goes away. 

Hope your journey became easier with time.

Linda

x