I pop back occasionally to find out how youa re doing and am sorry that you are still struggling in this way.  Stay with the counselling - have you told the counsellor that the benefits are at the moment only helping during the time you are with her/him. It is never easy and you should anything that helps you at all.  I still "talk" occasionally to my mum and my dad  even thoughit is a long time since they died and bizarre as it  might sound it is a nice thing to do.  Everyone has their own method and timescale for grieving and as long as you are doing no harm to yourelf or anyone else (which I am pretty sure your mum would hate you to do) do whatever feels right for you. Can I ask: are there any particular things that you feel you would like to have done before your mum's death or is it just general grieving pain that is dragging you down?  Annie

Hi Annie,

Thanks for checking on me. Yes I wish I hadn’t been in such denial, I thought she would get better and so even though I came home a lot I also carried on going back to LA and Ny for work and didn’t spend as much time as I should have with her and also didn’t talk to her about her diagnosis really as I think we both wanted to remain positive. I keep searching for messages from her and torture myself that I didn’t comfort her enough. I also torture myself thinking I should have saved her. She was my world and my only reason for being. I don’t care about anything anymore. I’m just going through the motions. My Uncle passed this week too. It’s all unbearably sad. I haven’t told my counselor that it’s only for a short time I feel better but he is great, better than anyone else I’ve seen. Hope you’re doing ok. 

Hi again.  I did read read your post shortly after you made it but have been struggling with computer problems - I am not very good at long technical words and sentences but think I have finally got my new router installed and it seems to be okay!    My poor love, you could not have saved your mum much as you feel that the sheer power of love should have conquered her illness.    It also appears that you were trying to fall in with what you felt your mum would have wished by remaining positive - I know it is so easy to beat yourself up with hindsight but - being a mum myself - I am pretty sure your mum would not have felt anything other than love and care from you.  Threre appears to have been other family members also and I  cannot imagine - from the posts from you that I have read - that your mum would have ever felt any lack of love and attention.  When you are a mum you don't think of making demands on the love of your children but instead are so pleased that they are well and happy - that is what parents really want from them.  We don't think they owe us anything but when as in your case you were giving regular love and care (I bet she didn't think you were falling short) she will have been proud and happy with the daughter she has raised.    Try and just think of the time you did have together - it is all too easy to imagine that you were not doing enough.  I am sorry that your uncle has also died - were you close to him?  You are finding - as we all do as we grow older - that the people who we thought were a permanent part of our lives are in fact will not always be there.  Life has his its great happinesses and its unbearable griefs.  Your mum would hate to feel that you were beating yourself up over her last weeks and months.  Talk to your counsellor and don't be hard on yourself.  Annie

Hi,

Thinking of you today and all on the forum who are facing our first mothers day without our beautiful mums. My husband is cooking in the kitchen and I have tears quietly falling. My mum was such a strong woman, trying not to let her down.

x

Hi, I lost my mum on the 3rd of March just gone. I’m only 19 and my mum was only 39. Life is so cruel sometimes and I’ve been finding it hard to carry on as I also feel guilty whenever I feel a smile coming on etc. your mum isn’t gone she is always with you, look for signs and she will send them to you. I was so close to my mum aswell and after her funeral I found it harder than it was before it. Do you have any aunties, uncles, friends etc you can sit with and talk about the good times I find that helps. Like you said your mum is in a happy place none of us know the only thing that would get her down is looking down on you and you being upset. Read the poem “the story of the dragonfly-a child of mine” it’s so comforting and makes a lot of sense as to what goes on when people pass away. Hope your feeling better soon, Ashleigh x

So I don’t even know if my mum has cancer yet 

but doctors are “suspicious of a biopsy” despite us being told a month ago no cancer was present. Your post is exactly how I feel,  I’m not an only child but might as well be have a huge family & some friends that I have sat with for hours, days, weeks, when their children have been ill and yet her I am alone with no one giving a toss because it’s not convenient this week. All I want to know is How the hell do I live without her?

I’m so sorry and I hope your Mum doesn’t have cancer. It’s been nearly 9 months for me now and it seems like yesterday. I cry every day and some people are fed up with me. I just keep hoping I’ll die in my sleep so I can be with her. I hope you have some support if the worst comes to the worst. Wishing you good luck.

Hi M, 

It's been a while since my first post. Thank you listening/ reading my thoughts and replying. I done as you suggested and kept busy over the past few months. Throwing myself into a new job role has really helped. I think about mum a lot each day but it's not the first thought on my mind each morning anymore, some days this makes me feel guilty as though I have forgotten about her but others it makes me realise I'm growing stronger. It's strange because people always say it will get easier and although it does in a way, I really believe it also doesnt and we simply learn to cope and shape our lives around the missing void they leave behind. How are you doing M? Is the councilling on going?  Em 

Thanks Em’s glad you’re feeling a bit better. I have some moments where I think I’ll be ok but then bam it hits me like a juggernaut again and I break down. I try and keep busy too. The counseling helps a little but not enough. I’m going to a grief support group next week to see if that helps more. Let me know how you’re getting on.